Historical Newspapers of South Carolina

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Citizen sanit Bri n BY STAN SEARS Note: Citizen-Student Sanity is a fictional character in a fictional state in a fictional world that bears many uncanny similarities to the fictional pseudo-comic book state in which we exist. Any similarities to so-called "real-live" characters in our world are usually intentional. That is, if such things can be considered intentional; because, both being fictional, each is a creation of the mind to be perceived by the ob server. Since the author of one masterpiece, (a value Judgment), could be sued under copyright laws for copying another's effort (even If both ideas were manifested independently), we must conclude that such similarities are therefore "coincidental." The drawbridge opened, allowing Sanity and his captor to enter. Citizen-Student Sanity was approached by representatives of this university, as he paused to read the graffitti on one of the new construction sites that cratered his campus. "Student Sanity," the crew-cut, heavily tanned man with the polka dot shirt and lavender and orange bow tie snapped, "You are requested to perform a service for your government and your university." "Hey, hold on," Sanity pleaded, "I'm a senior, go play Governor with some freshman. I know about you guys by now." "Student Sanity, here's my badge and my card," sternly Swarned the crew-cut, heavily tanned man with the polka-dot shirt and lavender and orange bow tie. "Is this your ID card?" The man flashed Sanity's student ID card at Sanity. "How'd you get ahold of that?" Sanity questioned. "We have our ways. Remember where you're at. We don't tolerate lawlessness and anarchy here, it SPECIA] CHOICI ING I JEFFERSON FOX-'"Made PLAZA III * CAROLINA mC ig all yc leads to dictatorship." "Leads to..." Sanity muttered. The man quickly handcuffed Sanity, then drove him to a palace like structure. Bright, neon strobes flashed out, trying to out-shine the sun. There stood a moat between the highway and the palace. Pushing a button in the car, a voice crackled over the radio. "Who enters?" "It's me: your favorite agent." "Which one?" "You know doggoned well who it is." "Then tell me the secret password." "Okay. Buy your season tickets now for this year's exciting edition of the flighting gamecocks." "Why?" "Because football coaches that go to Denver get raises, even if they pay their own way." "That's the spirit!" The crackling voice enthusiastically crackled in dollar-sign, cash registering delight. The draw-bridge opened, allowing Sanity and his captor to enter. Once inside, Sanity realized where he was: the athletic department. Sanity was led down a carpeted passageway to the ad ministrative annex. Once inside the annex, Sanity was led to an office, inconspicuous except for the painting on the door, "PRESIDENT OF THE UNIVERSITY." Several crew cut agents, dressed similarly to their compatriot who had escorted Sanity in, began to inspect Sanity's clothes and body. We'd like you to do a bit of work for us, revealing badges and identifying credentials. "Looks like a yankee-type radical," snickered one red haired, red-necked agent. "Betcha he uses heathen weed, don'cha?" questioned a veteran, greying-remaining haired agent wearing hypno-disc eyeballed sunglasses. "What is this: a klan meeting or 9. Nigi L COLLEGE li E OF ANY OIN PINE FEATUI SQ.-'"The Gradua for Each Other" 'Toys are not for ( -"Get to Know Yoi wr frie Sears We think you are one of the last vestiges of hope in our growing bastion of liberalism and permissiveness. a cop station," questioned Sanity with all due respect. "What'choo say? Boy, you barkin' up the wrong tree when yot talk like that," a furious agent of obvious description shouted al Sanity. "You mean I make you feel like a tree?" "Huh, uh, uh, yeah, you mighl could make me feel like a tree,' tie agent stuttered. "Well, in that case," Sanity reasoned, "I might could feel like i dog." "Quit that wise talk, you, you uh, why you student!" Thai remark could only be attributed t< a clown dressed in an Eastei Bunny suit, alleged to be the for mer governor of the province Rabbit McHair. McHair studied Sanity. Being ar expert on the handling of sucl students and their behavior pat terns, McHair was alleged to be after the job of President. But, likc most acts of crime and, or, elec tions in the province, the aspiratior must be considered to be "alleged." Sanity was soon ushered in to set a group of prominent members o the administration. Of course, the3 were all "good old boys" who hat 1O VIE NIGI E OFTHE I tES for only n Ti, be hildren" U bi ir Rabbit" nds to i played football at Carolina, or had sons with good potential. Never theless, they were all on the payroll. In the clandestine setting, Sanity was instructed as to why he had been brought in. "We think that you are one of the last vestiges of hope in our growing bastion of liberalism and per missiveness," spoke a middle-aged man in overalls, with a dictionary in front of him. "Thank you," replied Sanity. "We'd like you to do a bit of work for us," chorused the crowd, as they unfolded wallets, revealing badges and identifying credentials. "Me?" questioned Sanity. "Now, Sanity, you're a fine boy. We've been observing you and think that you've got great potential. As a matter of fact, I might be able to get you some financial aid. Having any trouble rounding up tuition? You can even play football if you'd like. Sanity, you could be a shining example for us all. I've got a grant-in-aid right here," replied an alleged football coach and fulltime fund raiser. "I'm sorry, sir, I'm on an academic scholarship." "They give scholarships for that?" Check on that, will you, Jonesy. We could probably give a few more scholarships," questioned the alleged coach. "Now look here, Mr. Sanity. We've got some job openings on work-study. Being an election year, as a matter of fact, take a look here at my platform. Like an atuographed pen? Take one anyway. Well, like I was saying, we've got some jobs for work-study You get to find all your friends that use the heathen weed and bring their names to us. students. You could use the cash, couldn't you?" a colorfully dressed in clashing colors man said to Sanity. "I guess I could use a little extra cash. What would I do: work the desk in the Russell House?" "Well, not exactly," the color 15 mP.M. [T YOUR OLLOW 75c kets on sale tween 6:30-9 n. at avisonl ' y your tickets in advance fully dressed man murmured, "But you might work some there. You can work in the dorms and classrooms too. Really, it'll be diversified. Maybe a little off campus, too." "What the hell, sounds in teresting. Tell me more about the job." "Okay," connivingly cackled another gentleman with sheriff badge cuff links and a matching clip on his tie. "You get to find all your friends that use heathen weed and bring their names to us. After that, we have our turn to have the I still recall the paranoia that swept this campus in '69 and '70. fun. We'll give you percentages from their barber bills and court costs. Sound Good?" "Pardon me," Sanity rose. "May I be excused to go get rid of my lunch. I'm about to O. D." "Sanity, this is a man's job for someone with lots of integrity and responsibility. We want only the best. That's why we've come to you," proudly orated the man with the sheriff star outfit. "Well, sir," Sanity replied, "I believe that I have too much in tegrity to take your job. As a responsible student, I do not feel that it is in the best interest of the state or the university to take the job. "Pitiful," mourned the man in the overalls, thumbing through the dictionary. "Shocking," cried a little old lady, "The youth have gone to pot," she added in stereotyped vengeance. "I've still got a- place open for you on my offensive line," added the alleged coach, catching evil looks from other members of the gathering. "I'm sorry that you're all taking it this way," spoke Sanity. "I still recall the paranoia that swept this campus back in '69 and '70. If you are interested in causing your little riots again and playing your childish games, go get others who will play your game." "Don't worry, Sanity," cried the crowd of local politicians. "We are only doing our duty to God and province, raising funds. Look at all the unemployed lawyers we'll have in a few years when your generation legalizes all these horrible drugs and things, pity the heathen thought." "Good," replied Sanity. "Maybe the President's job-re-training programs will have some use down here. That's what you get for your one-party rule. Oh, by the way, gentlemen, I'm considering trans ferring." Leaving the crowd dazed, Sanity walked out the door, hoping to face tomorrow without retaliation by the forces of the coalition that ruled the province-state. Inquiry Send your questions about anything to Inqniry, Drawer A.