Historical Newspapers of South Carolina

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niver to helj Recently a committee met to possibility of the University. becoming the ruling body of next fall. The committee, cor men as Dr. Glenn Abernathy, Faculty Senate; Eston Marcha the Board of Trustees; and R Johnson, vice-president o Association; could make one structural changes this camp several years. The University Senate would one third students, one third third administrative and al Under this system students wot voice in the final decision of ne problems. Presently the Stud only the power to recommend frequently brings little resul The (This account of the history of USC will be presented in serial form. Any relation to the facts and this history is purely coincidental.) Once upon a time, as things go, a group of eager men with burning eyes and spotless character gathered together and decided that they would build a college. "This shall be a good college," one of them said. "It shall be a college where the fine young men of our state will come and they will learn Latin, Greek and Algebra." "Yes," said another. "We will take the roughneck and make a gentleman out of him-- 'Emollit Mores nec Sinit Esse Feros.' We will put the Latin on our seal and set out to educate the world." So they wandered the coun tryside -and discovered a hilltop which afforded a most luxurious view of the river. There they erected buildings and planted trees found a beat-up gold ball which they eventually put on top of a monument. "Yea, verily. We have a good campus." The cream of the young men of South Carolina came unto this place and did worthy things-like writing on bathroom walls and founding debating societies for the purpose of airing their gripes. And the men who built the college said unto themselves "Boys will be boys--hah, hah." They studied formulae, declined nouns, read Virgil and Cicero, Horace and Pliny, and played sweetly upon their violins. And when the pressures of the day let up, they played chess and debated questions of tariffs and monetary standards. They were all fine, clashing young men whose servatnts cared for their every need: They went to church and did not cause trouble an we .te graduated,,-'they sity Se, stude investigate the power of th Senate concept formed facu this campus by power, stude nposed of such Issues sucl :hairman of the infirmary to nt, Chairman of be handled t ep. I. S. Leevy would be subi the Alumni the Board of of the largest F. Jones tol, us has seen in rarely veto a Many schi government 4 be composed of been very ! faculty and one' schools, such Lomni personel. These schook ild be allowed a effective mel arly all campus well as, the ent Senate has alumni. We s changes, which step forward Is. Though the initiation. makin on to do worthy things--like support slavery, lead troops into battle and they did strive to do that which their fathers before them strove to do: keep 'the Old South old. Years went by, and with them went the students. New ones came to replace them, and they, too, studied Latin and Greek and declined nouns and learned for mulae and did not make trouble. Soon, the college began to grow, and sometimes modern con veniences came to the campus indoor plumbing, for instance. And the students studied and did not make trouble. CHAPTER II It wasn't long before the big war came, and all the students at the college marched off to fight the war for Southern Independence. Ah, it was truly a thrilling sight to see these gentlemen in gray marching off, their servants in chains behind them-all marching off to fight the Demons in blue. And while the war wore on the building stood silent sentinel and women kept the hearth fires glowing while the gallant Fighting Men fought and bled and died, all for the glory of the Stars and Bars. But one day did the Hellions in Blue come unto the city, which had come to be called Columbia, and with fearful horror and deprecation they did burn the city, and verily wrought terror in and about the city. And theh did they come unto the college, wherein they saw the dead and wounded. And the hearts of even the most bedamned men of blue did quake and tremble in the sight of the angel of the Lord, who had come to protect the university. And they did nought unto the campus, and went elsewhere to complete their urban renewal. And the leader of the Huns in blue did quoth--"War is Hell." -And when the -gallant men in nate nts D student senate and- the newly Ity senate would suffer a loss o1 nts would gain by the change. as parking or the refusal of the despense birth control pills would y this joint body. Their decision ect to the veto of the president and Trustees. But President Thomas I the committee that he would bill passed by such a body. )ols have tried this form of ind according to one study it has ;uccessful, especially In larger as the University of Michigan. saw the University Senate -as an hod of representing students, as faculty, the administration and ?e the University Senate as a big for USC and urge its speedy wHope's history g of a gray returned, they were minus their servants, who had made off like thieves in the night. It is told unto this day that a giant railsplitter did come in the night and sever their chains. And they did put on sackcloth, pour ashes over their heads, and wail and bemoan that which had fallen unto them. "Where is John C. Calhoun now." they did cry on the banks of the rapids, into the waters of the Congree. Our man Hot Hefner's' Ry ARTiUR HOPPE Columnist When it comes to the grave problems America faces, the gravest is neither pollution, urban sprawl nor excess stomach acidity. It is Playboy magazine. Never since the Marquis de Sade has any literary figure spread more pain and misery than Playboy's publisher, Hugh Hefner. Statistics show that 68.3 per cent of young American males study one or more centerfold "Playmates of the Month" during their formative years. For hours on end. "Aha," cried the young man, "so this is what young ladles look like without their clothes on! I'll find one for me." And he starts hunting. 'The problem, of course, is that this isn't what young ladies look like without their clothes on at all. Not even young Playmate ladles. An article in the new magazine, Audience, points out that after the painstakingly selected Playmate is paid $5000 to take off her clothes, she is carefully posed so she doesn't wrinkle, sag or droop. Thousands of studio shots are taken under ideal lighting con ditions. One single print is chosen. Then even this best of all possible . u1n1VerE And then did the thieves creep into the land--the carpetbaggers and scalawags. And they charged taxes and told the people "We will make this land anew, in the image of the North." Verily did the old men in gray and the young in their white sheets rise up against the foes of the Lord of the South, who is even the Lord of Salvation and Slavery. And these were dark days upon the land, with much weeping and wailing, while the young went awhoring and old went aklanning. pe playboy'ac photographs --. heaven help us -- doctored! i"or at this point, the article says, Hefner steps in with his retouchers: "Take off the hair on her upper lip!" he orders. "Clean up the shadows around her un derarms!" It is this blatant dishonesty that causes such untold suffering. Thuere is our young man. He has found the girl of his dreams. She looks, with her clothes on, like a Playmate with her clothes on. Eagerly he marries her. Ex pectantly he swoops her off on a honeymoon -- only to discover that she, like all human beings, oc casionally wrinkles, sags, droops and or exhibits downy lips or uin derarm shadow. Moreover she doesn't even have a staple in her navel. Is It any wonder that 68.3 per cent of American males go through lire feeling cheated and frustrated? Is It any wonder that 17 out or 18 marriages today end in ui .xoricide, divorce or shouting matches. ("Why can't you take the hair off your upper lip? Clean up your underarm shadow!" To save America from slowly drowning in this sea of domestic acrimony, a group of us . utnitarians hap brought'-put 4. 14 ity And these were likewise dark days for the college, for it had fallen the way of Rome, Athens, and Constantinople. Rats did scramble in the cellars and Yankees did live in the houses. A which were once splendid.' (This carefully inept study of the Grandiose and Garish University of South Carolina will continue Friday, if the United Daughters of the Confederacy do not attack.) Ids misery new magazine called Realboy. The centerfold "Realmate of the Month" in our first issue is Miss Elvira McGorkle, a 47-year-old uhemployed fry cook from Bixby ralls, Mont. Miss McGorkle, who is 5-foot-2, weighs 175 pounds and has led a hard life, is depicted standing against a brightly-lit wall in the Bixby Falls Medical Clinic, all prepared for a free chest x-ray. As we say in the caption, "It is a Rtealmate like Miss McGorkle who makes American men appreciate their wives." We are convinced that once Rtealboy replaces Playboy as the leader in its field, American males will grow up rational and sane. No longer will they be obsessed by unattainable visions of per ,fection. No longer will they~ be pandered to by books, movies and advertising that prey upon theh~ frustrations. At last they will' accept marital sex for the good thing it is -- an act of love between two imperfect humans. At last they will accept reality. We, the publishers of Realmate, ask no high rewards from a grateful nation for restox'ing' its sanity. We just wish we could find some guy who'd buy a copy. 'CopVgight Chronicle Publishing