Historical Newspapers of South Carolina

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~ A C Our man HoJ Nixoi By ARTHUR HOPPE My friend, Sidney Sisifuss, The Typical American, was somewhat surprised the other morning to answer a knock and find Mr. Nixon standing on the doorstep, sample case in hand and a winning smile on his face. "Hi !Hi, there!" said Mr. Nixon, grabbing Sydney's hand. "Golly, doesn't everything look just ab solutely rosy?" "Well..." said Sydney doubt fully. "Think positively!" cried Mr. Nixon. "It's going to be a great year and next year's going to be even greater, a truly vintage year." "I don't know..." said Sydney, Irowning. "Don't frown," said Mr. Nixon quickly . "For the first two years in this job I went around frowning. You- know what happened? Unemployment soared. Profits collapsed. The stock market dropped 360 points. But I''ve ilearned my lesson. "What's that, sir? "Smile!" said Mr. Nixon, smiling. "Since I stopped frowning and started smiling, the market's gone back up 240 points. The * JAMES BOND --in-U 2 HITS WO'TLET1 T160! 2 ADU "Ina"and pe GNP's going way over a trillion, maybe a zillion. Jobs for all. Two chickens in every pot. Don't worry about a thing. Hooray for prosperity!t Sydney Just coul'dn't help smiling. "Gosh, it all sounds great, sir." "That's the ticket, "o said Mr. Nixon, opening his sample case. "And now -that you're in the proper mood, allow me to show you my wares. As you know, I've embarked on an intensive cam paign to sell my revolutionary new program to the American public." "Revolutionary? "Look at this. Revenue sharing. Designed to return control of government to the local com munity.". Mr. Nixon gave Sydney a friendly, clenched-fist salute. Power to the people!" ':bRight on, man," replied Syd ney, hoping it was the right response. "Good. Write a letter to Wilbur Mils"And nwth.A yo'ei helfr propramod, aoethyoun emare soun expnensive am paiNo selltry revafodtior ne "Lhu ne n ook at this. evnesArig Powr t th pepl! progamn toeni pvetyan 40 creates pr4 deficit spending program based on the full employment we haven't got that will create the full em ployment we haven't got. Now there's positive thinking at its finest. It's absolutely Democratic." "But how can I afford all this?" "Spend and the world spends with you!" Mr. Nixon flashed Sydney his broadest, most con fident smile. "Don't forget, you're going to be so ric- and prosperous you can afford anything you want." Well, Sydrey said he just couldn't help buying the whole Letters to the Securit D)ear' Mr. Beche:. I would like to commend the student campus security patrol for being where they were needed .when they were needed. At 12 last night I was walking alone across Main Street ; half-way across I wasn't alone and also realized that I had no desire to encounter my "shadow". After half-running to Columbia Hall. a police officer put a tail on my follower and two on-the-spot campus security guards. Jack Burgess and Wayne Bell walked ~me back to the campus. These guys are students with studies like the rest of us, and yet they walk their beat from 8 p.m. until 2 a.m. every night regardless of. bad weather or circumstances and have been doing so for the past four or five months. Both Mr. 'Burgess and Mr. Bell were perfect gentlemen, even when we were confronted by a fifty year-old drunkard who was stopping people to beg for money. It could have been a hairy experience had I been alone.- . I.lust wanlt to say thank you to my two escorts, as well as, to all the other anonymnous protectors on thi&e'aiNnus. Yous niai not alwiais' Technica hides m ly IIAItRY lOPE Pentagonese has flowed ever so brilliantly from that Hallowed Hall of War during the past two weeks. But better than that is the Ad ministrationese which heaped upon the student every day of his existence at this university. *We will refer it to a com mittee" -means that they won't think about it until students begin to raise hell about it. Tiis Is a ploy often used to bury an Issue until it is hopefully forgotten. "We'll look into it"--means that they won't. "Gee. we didn't mean to make a profit"--means that they didn't mean to make such small profit. It also means that they didn't want sperity package. The last he saw of Mr. Nixon, he was heading for the house next door, whistling, "Happy Days Are Here Again." Ever since. Sydney's felt much more hopeful. In fact, he says if he could just find a job, breathe the air. drink the water, walk the streets safely and afford to pay his taxes, he'd feel absolutely great. But, as he put it to Irene. his Typical American Wife: "It's sure a heck of lot better being miserable under a cheerful, smiling President than a gloomy. frowning one." ,Copyright Chroncicle Publishing Co. 19711 editor y patrol e see them. but they are always close-by. It's nice to know. D)onna llovd Congraulations leasr .lr. Beche: Congratulations for having the courage to defy the fashionable position of denying Communist aggression in Laos. Your front page cartoon in the February 15 edition will help shatter the self-imposed ignorance of the radical chic. Finally students can speak out for South Vietnamese. Cambodian and laotian Independence without being branded as war-mongers. Joe Wilson Manners Dear Mr. Beebe: Have you been to the 'Golden Spur lately? I was there Tuesday night. Uike most people there. I had taken the opportunity to go and lis'en to the talent of many dif ferent groups and singers. I ended uip leaving early because small groups of people destroyed the atmosphere by loud talking and laughing. One inconsiderate group had theaudacity to turn on a radio durina one of the performanes! I Jargon afings anybody to know about it. Illigalke's corollary. i 'We're studying it".-means that they've turned a page in the report, but it needs a massive re-write job. "Athletic department "-means a public relations firm employed by the University at heavy expense. 'We're working a shift in ad ministrative personnel",-means that they are kicking somebody upstairs (in the building) and creating several new jobs for relatives of the Board of Trustees, and-or giving new names to old jobs for even older personnel. "He's not in right now. Do you wish to see his assistant?"--means "Heat it. Just who the hell do you think you are coming in here?" A corollary to this is, "If you see his assistant, you'll only get the grand run-around." The grand run around is known in ad ministrationese as "going through channels." There is a special term in the office of admissions and registrations. It is "come back in two weeks~" If you do wait two weeks to return. your thirty day time limit (there's always a thirty day time limit) is up. which means its your fault. and that the com pyter is infallible. (Patterson corollary.) Finally. there is that beautifully smug clause which is to be found everywhere: "It's not in the best interests of the University." This means that they can do anything to you that they want. It is the catch all. It is USC's Catch-22. Beware, all you Yossarians out there. ffective Ly moving to the fronto the stage I thought I would be able to hear, without distraction, the different performers. I was wrong. The noise made by these groups could be heard in the front, also. I know one musician who left before he had the chance to perform because he could not present his best with such people in the audience. I am writing this letter to remind everyone who goes Into the Golden Spur. or for that matter any place, to do their talking outside and come in to listen and enjoy: if they cannot, then they should not come at all. Mary P'awley Applause Dear Mr. Beebe: I send you well-deserved ap plause for your editorial in the Febrauary 8 Gamecock. I must say it was a refreshing change from the usual articles I've read, full- of pseudo-revolutionary phrases *four letter words not withstanding'. I hope that the few, who, me thinks, protest too much, took notice. F"rank W' Puampqrey J:-.