Historical Newspapers of South Carolina

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..U Industrious staff member Bill Native. I Have Known. When a this way." (Photo by Jack Frene Collegiate Little Edna seemed to be enjoy ing herself thoroughly at the zoo with her father. As they were looking at the lions, however, Edna suddenly got a very troubled look on her face, and her father asked her what the trouble was. " was just wondering, Daddy. In case a lion breaks loose and eats you, what number bus do I take home?" * * . "Darling, your stockings are a bit wrinkled." "It just so happens that I'm not wearing any stockings." e os e Sunday School Teacher: Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, and she was turned to a pillar of salt. Little Boy: Please, teacher, what happened to the flea? I~ ~ tkho e 0 _* 0 "What a splendid fit," said the tailor as he carried another epilep tic out of his shop. * S * Humpety Dumpty sat on a wall Humpety Dumpty had a great fall All the king's horses and all the king's men Had egg nog. * * * "May I have another cigarette?" "Another cigarette, what?" "Another cigarette, please." "Please, who?" 'Please, mother." "Please, mother, what?" "Please, mother, dear!" "Hell no, you've had seven al ready!" * * * "Little boy, you shouldn't kick your sister down the street." "It's all right, she's dead." * S S Phi Delt: Tell me, love, did any of the girls admire your engage mont ring? Phi Phi: They did more than that; two of them recognized it. * * * Willie In a fit insane Thrust his head beneath a train All were quite surprised to find How it broadened Willie's mind. * S * Anatomy: Something everyone has--but looks better on girls. * * * Chivalry: Man'a inclination to defend a woman's honor against every man but himself. * * S Man in barber chair: "Your dog likes to watch you cut hair doesn't he?" .Barber: "It ain't that; some times I snip off a bit of ear." * e * "This is the third operating tal yo'v ruined this month, Dr. Zindley. You must learn not to cut so deeply." A Sigma Phi Naught was part N_.1 . Mumpkin rests at his desk while m iked why his shoes were off Mump Il) Humor Ri of a crowd watching a human fly about to ascend the Empire State Building. The Human Fly bows to the crowd and is about to turn to begin his climb when the S.P.N. staggers drunkenly through the crowd, crying, "anything you can do I can do better." The Human Fly tosses him a disdainful look and begins his as cent. Half way up the Empire State, the Human Fly turns to wave at the crowd and is dismayed to see S.P.N. clambering up just below him. Finally the two of them gain the summit. The Human Fly challenges, "You, man, have climbed the Empire State, but you won't do what I do now!" With out further ado the H.F. leaps from the summit of the Empire State Bldg. Halfway down he pulls the cord on a hidden parachute. As he floats leisurely down he hears a voice hurtle by him, "C-h-i-c-ken." * * * They excavated the thumb of a million-year-old woman. If they look further they'll find a million year-old man under it. * * * A gravedigger, absorbed in his thoughts, dug a grave so deep he could not get out. Came nightfall and his predicament became more and more uncomfortable. He shouted for help and finally at tracted the attention of a drunk. The drunk looked in the grave and finally distinguished the form of the uncomfortable gravedigger. "No wonder you're cold," he said. "You haven't any dirt on you."~ * * * A drunk boarded a bus and sat down next to an elderly grayhaired lady. "You may not know It," said the old lady, "but you're going straight to hell, young man." The drunk jumped to his feet and hollered to the driver, "My gawd, let me off; I'm on the wrong bus!" * * S "How did you puncture that tire?" SIMUL DIAMON ONLY Guara Why pay up to 49e and can get this gorgeous sim ment ring for such a 1o0 as an eternal symbol of y X Y ZGLAS . . .. ... ... editating over a stbry on Ubangi kin replied, "i can think bette'r ound-Up "Ran over a milk bottle." "Didn't you see it?" "Naw, the kid had it under his coat." * . * We would like to point out that while every man can have a wife, only the iceman can have his pick. * * * Adam: "Dammit, Eve, you went and put my dress suit in the salad again." * * . Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled. 0 * * "Porter, get me another glass of water." "Sorry, suh, but if I take any more ice that corpse in the bag gage car ain't gonna keep." * * * A pinch of salt can be greatly improved by dropping it into a can of beer. Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the earth. * * * A patient of an asylum who had been certified cured was saying good-bye to the director of the in stitution. "And what are you going to do when you get out Into the world?" asked the director. "Well," said the ex-patient, "I have passed my bar exams, so I may 'try to work up a law prac tice. Again, I had quite a bit of experience with dramatics in col lege, so I might try my hand at acting." He paused and thought for a moment. "Then on the other hand," he continued, "I may be a tea kettle." * * * He who laughs last has found a meaning the censors missed. * * * The father of a pretty co-ed asked her boy friend to see the A TE D 0 RING 35c niteed maybe even more? You ulated diamond engage # cost, yet, It will serve our love.. 5 COMPANY hrough fi eane, and storm I've kept mybooka in perfect foru Unpenciled eage, unsevered seamr And nothIng mars thp surface gleam. Byt I'm despondent, torn asunder, Want to rage and rant and thunder At the curse that's snowed' me under, Filling me with doubt. They talk of sin and crime and vice And all the,'st4ff that Isn't nice, But nothing comes, no great crusade To see that Just returns are paid. So I must writhe in my demise, And weep because I realize The book store sells, but never buys, With new editions out. Reprinted fro'm MSU's Spartan I basketball game over the family television set. When the boy friend arrived, he brought a jug that ob viously contained a mixture in volving alcohol, and during the game he took a nip now and then. At last the father could stand it no longer. "Young man," he said, "I'm 47 years old, and never in my life have I touched liquor." ' "Well, don't get no ideas, pop," the student snarled. "You ain't gettin' any of this." The night -porter of the house where artist Pablo Picasso, the extreme modernist, was staying in Paris and helped catch a burglar by remembering the man's appear ance and then sketching it. Picasso was impressed, so when his place was robbed soon after, he observed the bandit who bound him, and later did a painting of the man which he gave the police. Guided by the sketch, they promptly rounded up 200 people, a house, a heatse, a pair of old shoes, and a can opener. The latest in wash 'n fat legiately wrong clip-jolr IVY) lined fatigues, unk4 Nauseatingly correct shai of course, our famou tailoring. Priced From Whateve Cic soot mivisr Peytoo Year's L Looking back: in1956, a all sort* of events occurred, but the on* event which made this year out standing was. the publication of the great literary classic Peyton Placed by the curvaceous beauty Grace Medallion (winner 9f the 1957 bar bell twirling contest). It warms my cold heart deeply to know that American morals are being lifted to greater heights by such a master work. Last year, the Pewtizer Prize (whose commit tee was composed of the Nation I Association of Sewer Pumpers' Union and Their Apprentices iii the United States and Texas) was aawrded to Mrs. Medallion for the best topic and utilization thereof since The Raps of Luorece. It seems that Grace Medallion had two other titles in -mind for her masterpiece: Forever Ellison and By Sex Po8sessed. Peyton Placed is the very,. very HORSESHOE (Continued from page 1) at a financial loss to the Univer sity for one semester only, then it will come under the auspices of Housing Department. Freshmen and Sophomores, only, may use the facilities but must pay a de posit of $26 at the beginning of the semester, which will be re funded if they do not park over night during the semester. Violation of this rule will result in forfeiture of the deposit and suspension of the pafking privil eges for the remainder of the sem ester. In conclusion to the interview, Dean Prattersen said that the University is constantly seeking means by which it can be of greater assistance to the students, and at the same time raise the standards of the institution to a level comparable to those of the Ivy League schools. le fashions from our col t. Ivy (REAL, GREEN malls, and B.V.D. Sklvys. lea, patterns, fabric, and, a boggle britches style r The Trade Will Boar. JOE LI thiers to men, wimmen, I SH AND CARRY. YOUR CR1 laced Ha terary C simple story of a girl who wanted to write for Confldteia and gath ered up her friends' life savings as a loan to put on a horse naped Peyton,-owned by a Jocal factory oresident with a handsome son, so she could afford to go to the Big City. It was announced that Pey ton placed rather than won. Elli. son was run out oftown, never to be seen until seven and one half years later, when it was found that the winning horse was illegally en tered - so even though Peyton placed, it won, but it still placed even though it won, because the horse that showed placed even though it showed, and, since it was a three-horse race, no horse showed. Understand? Meanwhile, Ellison's mother, since she only had a second grade education, wanted to go back to school and graduate so she could read the labels on the dresses in WAKE U LIVER B Your liver should be times. If not, your liver Get your own handy " Clock today. It attaches, tions included. ONLY Write Today For L VER BILE, Genuine third grade, sece made cordovan clodhopperi linings, complete with w, uppers. Guaranteed to oui pair of socks or a new set FREE. Reasonably PricE 1,001,357,920,039. 'IVE' barats and Carolina Stud4 EDIT AIN'T WORTH A DAA iled As 8assic her clothing shop. She married the principal instead and received her lessons at home. Later the natural, eternal uadrangle developed: The prin cipal fell in love with Ellison; Ellison's mother became infatu ated with the factory president's son; Ellison was in love with the factory presidint who .loved him. self. The book ended at last, and they all lived miserably ever after. 1Tea's -came into Grace Medal 114a's yellow, blood-shot eyes time she uses -her solid gold to the New York Library's. rb&m of government periodicals on the research and development of duig bettle killer. This noble gift was presented'to her by the Nobull Prize committee. A noble gift to a noble woman whose memory Will linger on in the hearts of all true, corrupt Americans.. Hail Gracel M.E.B. IP YOUR ILE . . . lively and active at all is asleep. Jim Dandy"' Liver Alarm on to your liver. Instrue $3.98 More Information INC. S. C. >nd quality home m, aligater and silk ooden soles and last any, yes any, of toes absolutely 4 From 00 Marks. mins - AN.