Historical Newspapers of South Carolina

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McAllistei Persuaded To Full Con1 Pauley And McCallister Prove Indespensable Athletic Advisers Assume Admin. istrative Affairs With Amazing Activity It was no surprise to the majority of the University student-body when the catalogue issued tother day li;ted Doti McCallister and Frank Paulcy as en president, Co-Register, Co-Athletic Di rector, Co-Director of Physical Ed, Co Manager of the mess hall, Co-Professor of Economics, Music, and Bible. The only persons kicking a kick, and that because of pride only, were their published assistants : Lenny Baker, John A. Chase, Jr., (don't forget the "Jr.") Bill Hardly, Hawkeye Hughes, Jack Evans (that's Tack, Jr.'s father, Jack, Sr.), Second Story Derrick, and a few others. Commenting on the drastic changes since tother day, co-Big Shot MacAllister and Pauley very lucidly explained that All-Forehead Bell, widely known for his tinkling, had been retained as dispenser of peanut and magazine selling positions because the Graham plan wouldn't allow football players to work even if they didn't get paid for playing football. "Things will be run just about as they have been ever since we were im plored to take charge of the State of South Carolina," the dual governors as sured ye reader. "And if you will par.. don our inferiority complex. we think we have done a pretty good job." The two gentlemen in question (or should we say the two questionable gen tlemen?) asserted that since the Town send plan wouldn't work, they weren't in the game for the fun of keeping score. "As soon as we start the dollars to strutting our way in right true fashion, verily we say that we will hasten our selves away to more fertile soil." Maybe it isn't appropriate or sompin, but about that time John Milton rode y whistling "there'll be no mourning t the bar when they put out to sea." -U. S. . About Advice Doctor Babcock, head of the League for better speech for truck drivers re cently appeared before the union and gave the following advice: "Never hurt one's feelings by telling him he is an un mitigatedl prevaricator, or that he has fal len into term-inological inexactitude; such words are harsh and lack the subtle finesse of cultured speech. Tell the man he is a dammed liar, you will find that your scrupulotus choice and tact ful ex pression wvill work wvonders. "If you choose your words carefully you can soften the shock of any blow. Do not, tell your child bluntly that there is no Santa Glaus ; say to him that there ain't never been nary such a thi~ng of any kind. This skill ful use of the mut tiple negative will enable you to put many different shades of mean'nig into your speechi, and enable you to say any number of things without letting any one be able to fathom what you do mean:. This is the rule I have followed in my rise fronm a mere college professor to' head of the truck-drivers." We Sell The Best Bull-Boloney Hot Air Dingles Clark Reed, Samn Litman, and Mac McCutcheon, incorcerated. A free sample of dingle given for every five doughnut holes (Signed) 3. Bender Coalmnan Dr. of Hooey. C OLUMRTA OMMERCIAL OLLEGE OITERS COURSES IN Shorthand, Bookkeeping, Typing, Comptometer, Burrough 's Calculator, Filing, Etc. -0.3. SUIT ON, Fres. th, S.881556 Main ' Overcon Take Over rol Of School YMCA Installs Brand New Bar Crap Tables Added Bell Made Bartender; Ellis States "The Sky's The Limit" Four new crap tables, a bar, and other inplements of pleasure will be installed in the recreation room of the YMCA, ac cdrding to information received from of ficials of that organization, yesterday. "It is utterly disgraceful that students of the University do not have a place of their own where they may go and drink and gamble," declared Fred Ellis, presi dent of the organization. "The matter of installing these means of recreation have been discussed at many meetings, and I am now pleased to say that they will be erected at an early date. "It is probable that Nute Harmon, Wil liam Carragan, Ray Riddle, and Mary a Culbertson will have charge of the crap thE tables, while [lot Man Bell will take the in bar under control. Of course, definite - plans have not been made." Ellis seemed to think that the ping pong tables would be removed in order that the other tables could be installed. Asked as to the limit the crap tables could carry, he replied, "The sky will be the limit." Class Constructs City In Suburbs Mrs. Wimberley Directs Sociology Teacher Tries Out Plan For Making World Better Place To Live Under the supervision of Mrs. Rosey World Wimberly and her sociology students, an experimental city has been 1 co-instructed on the outskirts of Co lumbia. So far the inhabitants have seemed well pleased with their new Ihr town, for which the government gen- mo erously furnished the necessary funds. anj Life in the new suburb is a little - different from most places. Utopia, as it is called, allows no man to work IJ in a factory for more than twenty minutes a day, and permits no work at all on Sundays, rainy days, or hot days. Every home has a radio, an electric To stove and ice box, with irons, coffee lpots, toasters, et cetra, et cetra; every Sha parlor is equipped with a private room for girls to entertain their friends, a kind of sanctum sanctorium that no one else is allowed to enter. Children S are furnished with nurses and bicy- wa3 cles, kiddie cars and lollipops, model elec airplanes and steamboats, choo choo prir trains and skooters- tior "Of course this is just a modest be- of I ginning," she explained apologetically, int indlicating the Susquehannah rivern (new name for Congaree), on the Col banks of which stood the delayed Pan- con tisocracy. o "After we get things to running smoothly, sociologically speaking, we rou will have it fixed so that when one of g our brothers reaches the age limit re- sch <;uired by our child-labor-act-to-be, heac will be ready for the old age pension dlay with a salary of $200 monthly from the Towvnsend fund." Here she hesi tated for a moment, no doubt antici- a' pating some codger's dough, and con- a tinued dreamily:wh "Now, won't that he nice? Nothing to do but sleep, and eat, and lay in the shade, and grow social minded, and make reasonable love in the the spring, and seasonable love in the sum- phi mer, and reach up and shake the hea More-ways-than-one tree once a Ric month, and then pick $200, twice $100, stei one-fifth of a grand, two-fifths of two- the grand,-oh, my-oh, me-oh, you.... " the: She plucked a fuzzy little worm OII from behind her ear, setting it affec- Eir tionately on the ground. of "Why that's the reason everybody thinks Sociology is a crisp course. Yotu eve see, it's going to make everything so hie easy for you-all," she animated, as she one reached and out placed he hand b)ra on the shoulder of her most ardent whi student, Ray Stokes. the P. S-The Empty Bottle reporter wa: proudly relates that Rosey World con-" gratulates him of his sympathetic pre- mo1 sentation of social principles, sho zesh Cong 1 1 Lbove is the architect's itary house which will v within the next ten basement. Architect ( oharge of the construct To his wu uck and its galh ubs and plants of the K aey to buy it, and Chase I catalogued. rath Wizar hoose Col Explain Relat rks From AlU Over C Will Hear President E On Einstein's Theora hlowing that he is gifted 's than one, Carolina's p1 t Colonel McKissick wvil cipal speaker at the next of the Mathematics As: Lmerica, which will meet h< he next few months. Even when he was a small onel was a wizard with imented Dr. Coleman, wvi he selection. remember' a story that v nds about forty years ago; I was at that time taki ool algebra. Hie umet the ouple of weeks, and apper with a book under his arn Look p)rof,' lhe toldl his written this thing over, at ew suggestions of my 01 it you think of it." hat boo0k is still heing used lie high schools in this coi The math sharks are hop Colonel will get a chance y the relatively theory th, rd so much about. I kn n was one of the four u n selected to help him f' equations in it, and that si y' have collaborated on m< hypothesis. Franikly r steini has taken the credit work done by others. As far as I know, the Color n bought a math book, finished everything taught year, then went into th niches at Harvard and W ~re he is generally recog, discoverer of the only to calculate the speed [t is a shame," the good irned, "that such a genius uld wate his tIme andetae iherent n rah4lations :c:.ip;::. drawing of the new Sigma Alpha Epsilor be constructed on the corner of Bull and lays. Numerous drop-ins will be held ix Billy) McNulty, well-known artist, will b< ion of the basement and foundation. The Rescue mt crew will be used to guard the rare ith property until the University gets th< has every blade of grass safely numbered ds "G" Men Trail n Tricky Trio "oetJohni swingo a" Mozingc . . "\Vallie \Vallie" Martin and "Bett VyI l Boop" WVrenshall, the three members o the social cabinet, havc retired to thei oetr country estates, it wvas annlouncedl yes let terday. Federal income tax reporters were ii n more town all day tomorrow checking up 01 -dn-the trio's assets. One member of th bete federal group was heard to remark tha covn-le didn't see how the cabinet could re ciatio: tire since they had only given four dance ocith-ol this year, but indicated that the receipt rewt-gained at the gate must have exceede the figures turned in to the Universit boy, the officials. Figures,". . en told The trio will not be seen in town to morrow smnce they left yesterday ii Spot's new hack, when knowledge of th 'hen the federal men's arrival reached them. ] the Col- will also be noted that the new hack wa ig high purchased after only two brawls. :lass for -.~ . red one SUNDAY SHRIEKERS teacher, SLAIN IN STAND! d added _______ vn.' See The north stands on Melton Field fe last Sunday afternoon during the city in most wide vesper sing. A choir of one thot intry. sand voices were silenced owing to th ing that fdtt that the one thousand bodies to who: to sim- the voices belonged were killed. H-oweve, it we've there was one remaining voice, that o aw thuat D)irectur Matterson, andl his remaine enI Ein- only because lhe had exhausted it so hardi >rmulate ly while singing that it was like a snake' rice then tale-it didnl't (lie until dark. re than The collapse of the north stand wa peaking, caused by the failure of the engineers o for a lot the Punibursity to find out the corre< strength of the material used in the.con tel never struct ion of the stand. Funeral service anld yet of the victims will not be held. here in Flash: It was discovered at press tim e upper that the falling of the stand was cause isconsin, by the weight of the thrilling larnyx o iized as Madame Face Cansherun Squenkie an accurate her last name is D'horvath. f light. --u. U. 0. doctor a paper." in math The Colonel, however, thinks lents on isn't. feriority Pauley An I Stage Futuris Skeptic Student Scents Spring TelIa Season By Nose Weasel Shuns City Theory On Ai-rival Of Spring; Says He's Authority He ambled out of his room, dressed in satorial splendor-white britches (to him), dingy blue coat, black shirt and a yellow tie that would make the sun hide it's face in shame. It was the Weasel in all of his glory. Spring was in the air, so he was told. He didn't believe it. Back home, hidden in the deepest recesses of red hills, fa miliar odors heralded the arrival of spring, the aromatic perfume of white lightning mash emanating from honey suckles near the creek. The mere thought of it made his mouth water. He sighed and wished for home. Down here among these city folks, it I was spring when some silly little shrimp l got stuck on some goofy gal. Gals, gals, thats all they thought about. Awcha, no I body but sissies fell in love. What was that? He reared his head like a wild stallion scenting danger, and sniffed. Could it be possible ! A fer tilizer truck turned the corner. Maybe it was spring, afterall. --U. U. v. Lover Loses Left Limb The few friends of Shyster Duck B. Causey will be interested to learn that the famous ambulance chaser lost his left arm last night in a strange accident. He was visiting a client, the Widow Grass, who has a wooden leg; he got splinters in his hand and his arm had to be am putated to check the violent fever that starcd therein. Only last year the famous second rate lawyer lost his right hand when he scratched his head and got so many splinters in his hand that it caught afire when he attempted to light a cigarette. Causey will be remembered as the young attorney that was dismissed from the bar because his legs were so short that he scraped up all the floor in the courtroom with his hip pocket. He was charged with destruction of public prop erty. It is rumored that he wore his legs to their present length chasing ambulances. People in this community are cautioned against leaving lighted cigarettes in Silvers 5 & 10c Store SOUTH CAROLINA'S LARGEST VARITYT STORE For more than 90 years we have Comnaanity with their B "Any thing Needed THE R. L. 1440 Main Street COLUMBIA Special Rate IF THEY LEAVE THEIR Li EY 12 O'CLO( 1323 Taylor Street f ---WHEN Y4 STIN-KING E You Are Assured Of The HIj Possible to M STE IN-KING IE OLDEST BREW! -,DEAND THE BEST Complex Veiderman 1i Fan Dance At Football Pienic More And Better Hooah Pre scribed For Olemson Antidote Seeing that the football team was facing starvation ince the Installation bf the Grim Plan, the Bootleggers' Club, civic club of Columbia, threw a big chicken feed for them at Lake Murray Sunday. While Dean Olson's izzlers ren dered "We'll Kill The Old Red Rooster When She Comes," the Game cocks easily overcame the chickens. "Football players should drink more and better booze," declared Mayor L. B. Owens, president ex-officio of the organization. "This is the only way that we will ever overcome the Clem son polecats." Sally Weideman, fortifying herself with three fingers of three feathers, collaborated with Slim Pauley in a futuristic fan dance. The assembly was considerably dis turbed when Don Juan McAllister burst into tears. "I busted my last balloon," wailed Donnie. Frankie's fighters entertained the crowd in an exhibition bout with the girls' hockey team. Rhea Haskell won his first bout of the year when he was fouled by Sarah Rector. It was a fowl affair; it smelled bed. GOOD BY KITTY This is the cat that Louis Bryan let out of the bag the other day, when he told Caroline Monteith of John Wig gin's date with another femme. chairs where he m.ight sit because it is feared if he were to ignite he would fire all the grass in the town, including the grass-widows. COLUMBIA OFFICE SUPPLY CO. "f ViEY OFFICE NEED" Offloe Furniture, Filing Cabinets, Safe. Printing and Rubber Stans 111! Lady street 'Phone BID YELLOW CAB TAXI DIL 80 DIAL 1 to 5 Passengers-25c been supplying the Students of this oks and School Supplies. in the Class Room" BRYAN C0. Columbia, 5. 0. LAUNDRY i To Students LUNDRY AT THE CANTEEN K EACH DAY Telephone 495 I )U DRINK lEER~AND ALE rhest Quality Drink That It Is ike-Because IXMADE BY THE RY IN AMERICA PROM YOUR nEALE.- .