Historical Newspapers of South Carolina

Below is the OCR text representation for this newspapers page. It is also available as plain text as well as XML.

-_ NOTHING TO CROW OVER ___ the EMPTY BOTTLE Bln8Ol IS STARING US IN THE FACE Volume 1 poARLFOSSEFTE Aded By Hezekiah Wilkins Phoney Trite-Tripe By TRIBBLE Foiled Again!' A poet Don't know it But this lousy sheet Is gooey With screwy Guys editing eet. They gripe So I type A respectable tale; They scan it, Then pan it, "Too frigid," they wail. I leave em And weave em A lyric that's hot; They label The fable "Too torrid", so what? So I'm gonna Write on a Lamb Mary had, (For Mary Contrary To'fiction, was bad!) I'll sing Of the spring And I might take a whack At two kids on a hill And a Jack that made Jill And a Jill that made Jack. Epilogue In the bud Was this dud Nipped. So tonite il be tite Lipped. Retraction Don Causey, diminutive dude of den ement 19, wailed loudly and lustily be cause of an item in last week's column to the effect that he was caught reviewing the advance showing of spring under wear in Mangel's window. In all fairness to the little shrimp, we must admit guilt to an illusion. Causey was not inspecting those new-fangled, ladies' unmentionables. He was window shopping for a safety-pin and a square piece of white cloth ! I. B. Drizzlepuss, sorryspondent No. .13, submits a premature brain child cap tioned: FIVE SHEETS IN THE WIND or He Done Her Wrong in Three Acts Act First Scene: The Dionne's cottage on the " eve of the quins' birth. Mamma Dionne sits on the porch, smiling smugly, filled with her own importance. Enter Papa Dionne, singing "Too Late." Pappa Dionne: Whatcha doing tonite, toots? Mama Dionne: Oh, Papa l * Papa Dionne: Come, come.. don't evade the issue! -Curtain Act Later Scene: The same cottage. Dr. Dafoe Iwalks wearily up to the front door. He knocks gently. Voice from within: Who's there ? Doc Dafoe: Special delivery. (He is admitted) Mama Dionne: Oh, Doctor. I think something's wrong. Is my heart beating? Doc Dafoe: (listens to heart). Beat ting? Hell, woman, it's playing hop scotch! Papa Dionne: Must have been those oysters.... Doc Dafoe: Quiet, man. We'll get v money for that endorsement later. Mama Dionne: How long now, Doc? Doc Dafoe: About 15 minutes. Mama Dionne: A quarter till five, elh? Papa Dionne: I feel terrible. I'd like to Dionne the spot. -Draw curtain quickly, before audience can lay an egg. Don. Acted Scene: The bedroom. Papa Dionne: Whatcha got there, mama? A Mama Dlonne: Dafoe-dils, papa!l Papa Dionne: Oh, mama! Mama DlQnne: Oh, papa! Quins; Oh, hell! Findings Charming Girls Flustered By Enraged Dea During Strip Danc Dazzling Dancers Undaunted B Bradley's Breezy Brazenness Inmates of the Woman's Buildir halted their pirouetting in the climi phase of a strip dance before a sek group of male friends one night not long ago when Dean "Close Crop" Bra ley entered the lobby by means of I well worn pass key. Since five of the former hen house vi gins are taking graduate work at C Island, only about 35 were twisting ther selves into the spirit of the affair. Th didn't phase Bradley none though, he g just as mad as he could. "What do you think I went throul college by degrees for? What do y< think I won the World War for? Wi do ydu think I bought my dean job for He took time out here for a few fre zied tears, and explained: "So's I could have me a harem li this some day, and then just soon's turn my back to kick my opposition o of school, you concubines turn traitc Have you no sense of honor? Your i sincerity suffocates me. Woe is me." I surveyed the motley crew, looked behi him to see that Bill Crisp didn't f him to a frazzle, and expostulated, "A Nertz." Extracting the salt from t remaining tear on his cheek, he dropp it down Bowers Parker's coat collar, a sashayed out the door, pocketing his pa key with a futuristic smirk. A barren silence.draped itself over t crowd, also barren, or had you guesse Paul Robelot looked at Bud Alexand and that must have started somepin. Ar way all occupants of Wardlaw squirm around and looked at each other. A then the Bell boys, from right near t War Memorial, came out of a clinch wi Grim Graham and looked around the It was still as quiet as a hen house afi the dean has found all the feath< plucked. "On with the dance. Let joy be u confined," Missed Graham thundered. B the girls heeded not. Quietly, sorrowful they extracted their customary garb o of a match box, and slithered upstairs. The boys all went home and pull down their shades (shades of night) lea ing their late companions with the matron to sleep sweet dreams. Photo of Dr. Baker, Diving in the new swimming pool, just b fore he croaked. Forged Rejection Slip Detected By Babcoc: All except one student flunked Giv Name Babcock's short story writii course this semester according to grad entered in his red book at registratic The reason is simply that the studer were required to show a certain numb of rejection slips each before they cou pass, but all magazines receiving conti butions forwarded checks instead. T student who didn't flunk was kicked a of the class for making a rejection sI of his own. "As long as I have been sending 11 pseudonym to the trashiest of America trashy, a student should know better the give me a bogus rejection slip. Why, y< would think that I am not one of tl literati." lie paused and reflected. "Sure I am. My ancestors way bac well not too far bacle, parked the Ma flower on Virginia's breast, and fro thence to hence I have buffeted the storr of life hither and yon one wgy or anoth now and then. The bell rang. -The students arous themselve. vwned. and Aled out. Fuddle F Report That Nudists' Visit 1 Begins Drive e Professor Is Perturbed] y Fair Femmes Find French Friend a Feeling Far From Friendly kg The quiet decorum of Pretty Boy ix Stephan's French class was suddenly o ct shattered yesterday when three visitors so from a nearby nudist colony lost their C I- bearings and strayed into the room. One e is of the students was heard.to remark later n that Eve's fig leaf would have looked like 1, r- a wardrobe compared to the way the girls t at were clad., n- For a moment after their entrance the p is room was quiet, as every body looked ot them over. Pretty Boy removed his a monocle and polished it hastily, adjusted I hh it again, then tossed it out of the nearest p >u window, evidently preferring to obscure at the awful sight. Most of the boys gazed ?" shamelessly at the fair figures; only Bob c n- Johnson and Paul Gaffney seemed em- f barrassed, and they were gentlemen t ke enough to slip quietly out of the back I door, refusing ever since to make any ut observations in the incident. On be Pr. ing approached for an interview Johnson v n- stated that he would "rather not say any- s le thing about it," and Gaffney said that f id "it is no subject for a gentleman to dis ry cuss." w However, other members of the class he were not so reluctant to talk about it, and t ed our reporter gathered'a complete story of i ad what happened. ss It seems that some time last week i Pretty Boy was giving French lessons to he the members of the colony, and after i? classes lingered for a while to meet his i er, pupils. In his characteristic joking i y- fashion he invited the girls to come to r ed see him sometime, and they decided to - ad take him up. he "What's the matter, Lovey-Dovey?", th one of them pouted after the first few ,n' minutes. "Aren't you glad to see us?" er Evidently the poor man was not, be rs cause he started motioning to the door and talking in a mixture of languages n- that no one could fathom. Meanwhile the ut other two were receiving quite a dif Y- ferent reception in the back of the room ut where Charlie Aiken and William Carri gan were talking in languages anyone ed could understand, and talking fast. Be v- fore Stephan could muster his forces and ir get the girls out, those two Valentino's t had dated the whole works up for weeks - to come. Dean Bradley has announced that he will start a drive to remove this evil in fluence from the vicinity of the Univer sity. G "We cannot have nude women running a around in our classes," he declared, "be cause, like Mary's little lamb, they make the children laugh and play." C - .(Oonltinued on Pag. Ig Colum. I) I - SECRETAR Y , SEL ECTS SQ L Selection of the yearly all-Carolina all- a ntime pass-out team was completed in n ig Flinn Hall last night, according to a ti es statement by R. G. "Ding-dong" Belle, t< n. executive secretary of I Tappa Keg, a ts national sots fraternity. A big pass-out tm rgame was scheduled for the 149th anni- a rversary of the foundering of the organi- tI Id zation but since all members of the teams i- were under the showers, the game was a ie post-poned until this year. s atThe most spectacular play of the game, g Hot Man Bell announced, will probably f, be a heave, McDaniels to Carpenter, both p of these players being well experienced my in the art of heaving and receiving.e 's To become a member of I Tappa Keg, kc n First team mu Dicky Palmer....................................k e William McDaniels............................ ri Billie Goldberg.................................. Mack Watts ....................................i k, John Nicholson ...............................r I'- B. L. Anderson (c)..........................h m Gedney Horne................................. as Nute Harmon..................................d er Speedy Spears................................. Red Sullivan ................................... o Tony Fanning ............................... BdR. G,Bel......,..........-............. Spot Madnan .....~..--. Iw or ty-Foui Prof Blushes During Lecture On Immorality 3ecause Of Question Rary Whitaker Innocently In quires Into secrets Of Facts Of Life Blushing prettily like a sixteen year Id maiden at a truck driver's picnic, Dr. roft (Teahound) Williams, social hound xtraordinary, laid his charges on the tat the other A. M. with an illustrated cture condemning immoral practices on he part of students while classes are in rogress. The outburst, begun when Mary Whit ker innocently inquired the origin of ttle puppies, came as a complete sur rise to the assembled students. "This classroom is in a hell of a ondition," declared the irate prof. "I ear that it will soon become necessary o install a red traffic light in order o curb possible accidents." The lecture was halted temporarily rhen J. P. Sullivan and Mary Culbertson tarted trucking up a storm directly in ront of the lecturers nose. Continuing his tirade, Williams chal -nged T. W. Evans and Harriet Lever a show cause why their promiscuous ecking should be longer permitted. Using post cards he had gathered while a Paree, he showed the class just what ie had seen while studying the sexual roblem in Europe. Jack Crawford broke p the lecture when he bolted from the oom and headed west. FOUND! The picture of the above was ken in order to locate the looser -the pair was found in front of he Woman's Dorm. If the per on who lost them will call by the 'ostoffice, Mrs. Moon will be glad i return them to the rightful wner. The Empty Bottle takes h: opportunity of censuring any ne who will go around leaving mpty pants. O2F SOCIETY AD OF SOTS person must be able to drink a quart of tean corn within one hour's time, and ien walk up the steps to the State Capi 1. If the walk is not successful, the pplicant must wait one year before at ~mpting to enter the fraternity again, ad in the meantime must be practicing ec art of holding his liquor. Both judges of the campus, B3lankhead ad Smitty, were well pleased with the ~lection of two teams. Several sug estions for honorable mention were of ~red by them, but space makes it im >ssible to include their names. The two teams, as selected by a special >mmittee of I Tappa Keg, are as fol ws: Position Second team ft in ......................Sam McFadden ght in --........................Pete Parker ft behind ...................Henry Roberts esh out ......................John Audrey ght out........................Judge Culler eaver ..........................Buster Watts aflf out ...................Jack Quiattlebaum raw back.......... (c) W. W. Carpenter orst half ...................Burney Dunlap a his back.....................Jnnie Clark ( out ......................Bruce Littlejohn ach.....,..........................Jim Dixon ianager ...........-.tadg. Blankhead r Faculty Recent Repor Racket R Harth Accused Of Violating Promise Big Hamdur Sets Forth Player Holds Director Is Work ing With Graham Reaper Rain appeared likely today as an ominous cloud of scandal hovered low over the University campus. A storm of comment was expected to follow the filing of a complaint by Big Hamdur, alleged football player, charging Bill (Color-scheme) Harth with breach of contract, and seeking payment of back salary in the amount of $7,000. In a statement to the press this morning, Hamdur intimated that athletic-director Harth was working hand-in-glove with the Graham-reaper. "It's like dis," expostulated the foot baller, "I'm doing okay as de strong man fo Bahnum and Bully, see? So what hap pens? So I'm waved under de nose wit a piece o paper by dis guy larth. 'Big', sez he, 'sign dis an you troubles is over. A t'ousand bucks by de month', sei lie, an a bomus if you touch em down!' "So I puts me X on de scroll an I'm railroaded to dis burg. I'm gave a pair of shoes, an a Bible, an a music-appreciater, an a public speaker. So what happens? ....Nuttin! "After thutty days, I goes over to de office to git de dough I've beca prom ised. Dis guy Harth jest sets dere wit his secumterry on his lap an spouts words bout de Graham plan done nulled de con tract. So I waits. Six, seven months I waits, and de secumterry don't move and de dough don't be handed over. So I gits me a mouthpiece, and bygad I moves de secumterry." Branding Hamdur's statement a "ma licious and unmitigated distiguration of fact," Harth prepared a counter-attack today in answer to the pigskinner's charges. "The allegation stinks of the ridicu lous," said he, brushing a brunetti,h hair from his lapel. "In seven immilb, my knees would have become cramped. "Besides", he declared, "I cannot tell a lie at this late date. We don't pay for athletic services at Carolina. It all my statements to the papers I h tre been (Continued on Page $; Column 1) --U. M. 0. Eskimos Sing "Lights Out" After New Invention Quattlebaum's Lightless Bulb And Cookiess Stove Boon To North Great was the celebrating and hallelulia shoulting down in the Chemistry dlepart ment last Thursday when Jack Quattle baum demon dehydrator of the stink pot, announced the discovery of two articles which would, in all probability, revo lutionize life in the arctic regions. The most important of the Boston-ac cented Winnsboro youth's inventions was a compound of alpha-hydroxy-metachloro diazobenzidines, which when injected into the rear end( of a light bulb would make it stop burning. The benefit of this to the eskimos is evident. They can treat their light bulbs at the beginning of the six-months day and then will not be bothered with lights burning when the sun is shining. Homes for the blind will also find this compound useful in the reading rooms and dormitories. The in ventor announced that the "Light Bulb Putter Outer" will sell for Fifty Blub bers a bottle delivered at your igloo, and an ingenious contraption for unscrewing bulbs will be sent free with each purchase. The second contribution to civilization by Mr. Quattlebaum is a gas, the con tents of which he refuses to reveal, which when put into an electric refrigerator will turn it into a cookstove that won't burn. This is a great boon to eskimos who eat their food raw. The inventor contem plates swapping this gas to the eskimos for the holes that they cut in the ice through which to fish; these holes will be used as manhole covers in Ethiopia where they don't have manholes. Fakers is Reveal ing's_Running Council Cashiers Chase If You Don't Think That Head Was Hell To Write, Try Writing One Like It Forty-four faculty members were yes terday turned over to local police officers after an investigation by the Student council revealed that these professors and deans were running one of the largest racket rings in the history of the country. "Honest John" Chase, "Square Deal" Bradley, "Nasty Nellie" Frierson, "Moon Face" Murchison, "Sitting Bull" Cantey, "Sawbones" Heyward, and Leonard the "Lug" Baker were identified as being among the ring leaders and incarcerated in the municipal bastile awaiting a writ of habeas corpus which was filed by "Whisperin' Al" Merritt, mouth-piece for the gang. "Mouth-piece" Merritt said he expected Judges Blankhead, Smith and Culler to hand down their decisions within the next ten hours. "Gum Beater" Davis, chief investigator for the Mauldiri committee, released the following information: "Tom Mauldin let the cat out of the bag when he recognized a five dollar bill in the registrar's office two weeks ago that he had lost in the number's racket. Mauldin at once called a student council meeting and called in "Wheel Horse" Welborne. Welborne was put under the third degree and released information which led to the seizure of sixteen rou lette wheels, twenty crap tables, 1,700 lottery tickets and other lottery equip ment, 5,000 gallons of corn liquor, 27 barrels of brew, 572 pounds of opium, an arsenal of machine guns, rifles, "pine apples," tommy-guns, 167 bullet-proof vests, 12 armored cars, and other equip ment. "It is alleged that this huge gang of dangerous desperadoes was controlled by 'Honest John' Chase, who with his huge office force, and Mrs. Rosamonde W\'im berley, controlled the every movement of the gang. A direct understudy of the big shot is U. S. Marshall Cantey, better known as "that over-worked public ser vant,' who controls the room-protection racket. "'lappy Bob' Wienefeld was disclosed as the political boss, while 'Hawk-eye' Hughes was taken for serving mule meat instead of horse meat. 'Muffin Mouth' Mercer was arrested for counterlitting, and 'Sparks' Bass was taken for radioing all orders to the gang. "Lesser charges were brought against Dr. Derrick for acting as auditor and business manager, George Wauchoupe for selling fake Shakespearian volumnes, and Rene Stephan far carrying concealed weapons in his walking cani." Tuspectator Davis o'utlined the various duties of the organization as follows: "Chase dominated the whole ring, Flinn Gilland had charge of the number racket, 'Nasty Nellie' Frierson operated a fake divorce ring between Columbia and At lanta, 'Sawbones' I leyward had charge of the (lope business, 'Square Deal' Bradley (Continued on Page 0: Column I) Theatre Program CAROLINA THEATRE Till'RSDAY-FRIDAY-SATUJRDAY-BI ng Cros by-Ethel Merman-Charlie Ruggies in ANYTHIINOG OES. STARTING MONDlAY-Clark Gable-Jean Har. iow-Myrlna lI>y in WVIFE VERSUS SEC RETARY. IMPERIAL THEATRE TODAY and THU RSD)AY-SNOWED) UNDER with George Itrent, Genevieve Tobin, Pas. tricia Ellis, Glenda Farrell, Frank Mc Hugh. FRIDAY -SATUJRDAY-Boris Karloff and Bela "D)racula" L.ugoal In THE INVISIBLE RAY, with France. IDrake and Frank Law ton. MONDAY-TITERDAY, next week-George Raft and Joan Bennett in SHE OtLDN'T TAKE IT. RITZ THU RSDAY-FRIDAY--Oladys Swarthiout in C,IVE US THIS 34GHOT. SATURDAY-Dick Foran in SONG OF THEl SA DDLE. MtOND)AY-TUESDAY-Clhaudette Oolbert, Fred MacMurray and Robert Young in THE BRIDE COMES HOMR. WEDNESDAY-Joan Blondell and Glenda Farrell in 1118S PACIFIC FIEET. STRAND, WEDNESDAY-AFFAIR OF SUSANNE, with Zaau PItt. and Hug O'Oonneg. THURSDAY--DIAMOND JIM, with Edward Arnold and Jean Arthur. FRIDAY-SATURDAY-RU 0)0 R ID I N 0 RANGERS, with em Lees and 3obb Nelson. MONDAYTUSDAY-O Rt US8A DS,with: nn. Wn.....o ..d Im-- -