The gamecock. (Columbia, S.C.) 1908-2006, April 01, 1935, Page Page Seven, Image 7
?I..I. II" ' - 1
Dr. Bann Paii
Pauley
Coach Covers Doorway
Overcome By Relief, Entire
Faculty Witnesses
Proceedings
Coming as a surprise to all their enemies
was the martial wedding last week
in which the extinguished Dr. Bond, wolf
within the faculty, shook the hand of little
Betsy Wotasnozzle, innocent freshwoman
in the division of Domestic Scrubbing
at our distinguished kindergarten.
The accident occurred at high moon
about 12 o'clock midnight in Mean Bradley's
and Smutty Moochison and DingDong's
little prayer room around the
corner (tenement 8). Coach Pauly was
the only man who had guts enough to
stand at the dangerous end of shoot-pistol
and pronounce the sentence.
Our too well-known Wild Brown (distinct
relative of John Brown) representatcd
the faculty disgrace in a kind of
defensive way. He tliot that he had his
case on ice when he told the cringing
maiden that she must "love, honor, and
obey." She tuk one glance at the horse
doctor, started to say something, received,
the shut-up from her -f^oud father, and
flopped in a dead (almost) faint. Lion
Man Pauly concluded that her silence
meant consent and pronounced Bond and
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BELK'S DE
led By
In Ceremony
Champ Falls
Into Trap
McCrady Loses Balance
Challenger Prom Ninety-Six Leads
Prey Into Well-Arranged
Pit-Fall
The lights were low, the music mournful,
the atmosphere was tense, the spectators
stared. At that meticulous moment,
Percey Mybackitches McCrady lost
the checker chatnpeeuship of 1 looeyville
by falling into his oponent's well laid
egg?or trap. The move cost him six ~
checkers, three kings, and a peanut bar.
His conqueror was none other than the
great left-footed, wooden-legged checker
player, Tommy Crag, from the Ninety
Ninth Part of Ninety-Six. i
The contestants threatened to come to
blows during the steam-heated encounter p
which became so hot that they had to retire
for showers at fifteen minute intervals.
The contest required the use of
fifteen different checker boards as the
contestants, who were rather weak-mind- s
ed, wore out the checker boards during c
their moments of indecision. The winner
was presented with steel-lined chicken
coop and a certificate of perfect health.
The contenstant has also offered to combat
Rosebud Alec Zander, Baby face Mills.
Stann Lee Rriaunt, and any others who
arc said to believe themselves champions
in this profession. You may get in touch
with him by phoning number 000-0000.
U. fl. o.
Wotasnozzle "idjit and golddigger for
life."
Now you know Bond; well if you don't,
forget him. lie was very sweetly decked
out in brand-spank-new streeked britches,
red-white-blue foot printers, one green
tie, yellow shirt, and his father-in-law's
hunting coat. Enhancing the whole effect
was Steppin Fetchit's wide chechered
galluses. His brilliant mop was effectively
curled for the circus, and of all tilings
lie was expertly twirling a couple whiskers
stuck onto his upper lip.
The one-horse holy place, where numerous
Carolinians are constantly bored
to death (almost), was all spread over
with bunches of waz flowers tied with
black crepe. When the doors were pried
open the whole faculty rushed in masked
to the hilt, because what self-respecting
prof would come out in the open to witness
such a sad sight. After the audience
was quieted, the doors opened again. In
came Whining Walton, flourishing a
mean rod and followed by mister olson
and his gate crashers. Strains of "bury _
me 011 the lone prairie" chqsed each other J
over the rafters. And then Beer Mug
Mathcad in all his obnoxious struttudiousncss,
jumped head 011 at the pinano. <
The pinano mentioned breath before last
let out a yell of unholy terrification, hid
its face under its pettycoat, and emitted
notes suggestive of Ixnver and Grins'
"blest be the tie that breaks my pocketbook."
Next the groom and his mare craned
their necks around a flower pot and seeing
nothing (Bond had two of his eyes
blacked and his unwilling mate had hers
closed, crouched before the altar. The
depressing ring ceremony was employed.
Bond swiped the brass circle from a little
boy who had bought it in a poecc 01*
candy.
The only two flower iris who could
be fooled into the distre* ^ predicament
were Quite Contrary 1 rncr and Helen
Ding Dong. Of cour: icy enjoyed the
affair, observing their dandy young
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Bow-Wow Buster
IHnL
Matty Bursts
Dancer's Bubbles
Acquitted By Judg
Saloons Broken By Bombasti
Bunch Of Bored Bystanders
As the Grammar school glee club sar
acred dities to a bored audience in Ch
ago, the confederate war general, Mai
ice Mattison, was bursting bubbles i(
>ally Rand in the streets of Paris.
Before the last of the baloons had goi
ip into thin air, a shrilling shreak soar*
round a curve and in a flash the poli<
vere upon them. All on-lookcrs we
>laced over arrest, including the lead'
if the hog callers.
Upon questioning the singer at tl
jolice coat, Judge I Convictem concludi
hat Matteson was really an innocent b;
lander, but found it necessary to thro
lim behind the bars, which was done
apid order.
Thinking his troubles were over, Ma
eson became non-shellas and lit a pip
3ut woo, woho, and woooohooo, tl
lext day Sally hied suit against him fi
>reach of etiket.
As soon as the suit was filed, Mattis(
witched to Hooey Long's "Share-ou
vcalth" program. 11c tried to swit<
Sally too. Matteson has declared th
ic will conduct programs all under tl
:ountry in behalf of this cause.
The members of the club were at:
onverted, but after they had sung f<
lours and hours, passers-by noticed t
.ongstcrs were looking through the gi
ers in hopes of finding cigarette duel
(Wanta buy a duck?)
Sally won her case but she didn't g
i dime, because he only had nine cen
she didn't want him so the whole tliii
vas called over.
Do You Know That?
Dr. Baker has fifteen children.
Dr. Babcock never received a colle,
iducation.
Luke Williamson was caught la
vcek coming from Aiken with a lo;
)f very potent alcoholic bcverag<
vith his girl from Batcsburg on tl
eat by him; Buford Worthy and Ami
Iarrleson had Old Jim fix things
A'asliington so the matter was nev
nade public.
Dr. Derrick's last book on Transpc
ation sold over three million copit
Marshall Cantey, that over-work<
niblic servant, labored sixteen hou
i day before the N. R. A. came to li
escue.
R. G. (Hot Man) Bell is a gre
idmirer of Robert Ingersoll's teac
ngs.
Professor Jimmie Spruill has be<
narried secretly for over a yea
hings are liable to happen any tin
low.
Dr. Murchison reads the Kor;
very night before going to bed.
Dean Friarson contributes his go<
icalth and looks to the fact that 1
ikes a medium-sized drink before ea<
ncal he is making an address befo
he general assembly this week adv
ating a divorce law for South Car
ina.
G. Stanley Bryant, that collosi
rom Conway, is expecting a bless<
vent next month.
Red Sullivan was cold sober at tl
ast Pan-Hellenic.
Honest John (Swingo-a) Mozinf
s now known as Dishonest John, tl
eople's enemy.
Jacquelin Emerson has signed a co
ract for a series of fan dances und
lie management of P.d Sallenger.
eecher iu straits such as he had spol
o appetizingly of in the case of Napolci
nd Cleopatra and others such.
Honorary pall bearers were Bubb
luskcy and Tom Craig. Of course tlv
lad nothing to do since old man Boi
lept thru the mess pretty well.
The now reconciled couple are at t
iride's father's mortgaged house, whe
bey will spend the old man's rocks un
lis bonus runs out. The newly-hook
lave been promised a job selling peni
andy after that. They will work f
Icrman Inc.
jcivja^jiu
Students Face
Bug Barrage
Insects Take Tenement
Magistrate Brown Confers With
Big Chief Cantey On Means
Of Defense
Latest report from the front state that
last night the Red Army of bugs broke
through the enemy lines in tenement 17
thus adding another fort to their string
of victories. They now have strong
holds in tenements 5, 16, 17 and 19. It
is understood that every effort is being
made to regain 17. Magistrate J. Wyley
Brown, recently appointed commander in
chief conferred with Big Chief Cantey
as to further mover on their aart. Brown
made a statement today saying, that he
was willing to move his headquarters in
view of the fact that it would not be long
, until the mosquitor fleet would be back*
ing up the red army. lie related an account
about a battle which he lost last
6 year under these circumstances when they
had him covered on both sides.
Abundance Of Biscuit
Blamed For Malady
'8 There was weeping, wailing, and
gnashing of teeth in tenement 17 last
night when Freshmeat Williams was sud>r
denly attacked by biscuitotis, a malady
caused by eating too many biscuits.
He had just returned from Benedict
College where he won first honors in the
"e eating contest by consuming 89 biscuits.
rc Hundred, thousands, seven or eight stuer
dents stood on the side-lines cheering
him on and on and on.
lie
Horse-doctor Full man was called and
performed a complicated operation. Wil^
Hams' few friends will be interested to
know that he will soon be up and attem
again.
u. fl. o.
t- ;
(e Jennie Clarkson was recently made
|1C Huey Long's private secretary. Her
or only comment on being interviewed
was "He has the features of a Southjn
crn Gentleman. I think he's adorr_
able."
:h Gedney Howe and J. Wiley Brown
at are opening a show soon. Wiley will
ie sell tickets and Gedney will keep
Stanley Bryant in a cage.
so Basil Whitener, the Cotton Feild
3r Flash, has been signed up with Olson's
he Swedes for the next basket-ball season.
Marshall Williams and Vic Laurie
recently conferred with Dr. Baker for
terms of renting Bernie College, where
the two boys plan to open a gambling
' house. It is rumored that Baker's
le terms were forty dollars a week for
the rent, besides a five per cent cut on
the profits. Jack Edens is expected to
be Number One Mullet.
ge
Are You Sure You ~7
Wudnt Drunk Mister? v
Much mystified by the appearance
of what appeared to be an undiscovered
heavenly body in the lens of the University
telescope recently, Professor
Coker sent a telegram to the Mt. Wilson
Observatory for confirmation of
his discovery. While waiting for an
answer the professor still gazing cnrapturedly
thru the telescope, was
astounded to see the heavenly body
disappear; he rushed to the balcony
and searched the heavens, but no body
was to be seen!
Slowly the realization dawned upon
him that he had been looking thru
a window of the Woman's Building
and that the strange disappearance
was due to the shade having been
pulled down. In the future Mr. Coker
will watch the A. D. Pi house where
there is less chance of such an interruption.
IT. H. C.
Vivian Morse and Billie Goldberg
almost put Tom Craig and Paul GafTney
to flight the other day for hiding
their lollypops.
Hot Man Ham was found in the
book store the other day. He was
proving to Dr. Foster that it was still
there.
'1 he canteen is now showing a profit
of over seven hundred dollars every
week.
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