Historical Newspapers of South Carolina

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The Fowl Ferret Published once a year by the literary societies of the l_ University of South Carolina Entered as second class matter at the Post office at Columbia, November 20, 1908 John Dilunger ----- Editor-at-large 1 Kind Providence - Business mangier a Pillup Space - -- -- - - _ Tired Editor General Pickens - Manager in circulation * tl ASSOCIATE INNOCENTS n Dr. Pat Wardlaw, Dean Ory Crow, Gorilla Merrywether, _ And Dean Rowe (rimes with Crow) INCENSE BURNERS Judge and the Cat with the Journalsitic fever (hours seven till won) Tap Dancer (official), Dean Dourland; Godfather, Jake Miller CROWING FOR More Publicity for professorial specimens, Livelier spirits for the college clientele, The return of Prohibition, Reguliarly ? scheduled Bull Fights under the auspices of the Y. M. C. A. j CRUPE YEAR'S EVE, 1934 al ic 1 Pi ^3 o CO r\> sp > ! 03. in tii A tl: si In The Fell Clutch Of Politics d< In tho fair kingdom of Carolina a heavy pall hung over the land. Queen May, lovely ruler of * the Spring, was in the fell clutches of that horrible dragon, Politics. ^ Like a creature of the underworld Politics stood w in front of his dank cave. A sharp double cross was in his hand and overpowering flattery was contained in a small bottle hung around his neck. "By the white hairs of my head," Politics screamed, "I defy you !" And the youth of the land hung their heads in shame. But, lo! A resplendent knight rides upon the ? scene. He strides a milk white steed and embla- n] zoned on his manly chest are the mystic letters, "K. S. K." He comes closer and we arc able to recognize him. It is Edward Scavenger, Lord s> Fauntleroy. President Lord Fauntleroy is presi- ^ dent of the Alamagated Soap Sellers of America, ft president of the Girl Louts of America, president ni of Little Men, president of the Newberry Culture Sj Club, and president of the President's Club. w Armoured in illusions and wearing an extra pure expression (99.99%% pure) he sits his horse, our s leader (Lord Fauntleroy, of course). Maidens (1 swoon as the fairest flower of fair chivalry blooms ? over tho land. But they swoon to 110 avail. He t( has chosen his'n. The little flower girl from far ^ away Japan. But, back to our hero. With a manly sweep of his manly hand he speaks: "Comrades of 4-H. A. club, I will dare the de- " *mon dragon alone. Go back and treasure all the tc beets and turnips until I return. And return I 01 will for pure man-hood will triumph." ^ And into the dying rays of the setting sun he turns his way. Almost negligently he sets his horse against a windmill. Then, changing to high, he sweeps over the hill. (Ed. note: a blow by blow account of the fight ^ will be given next week). w >y , - 'J . .. f,'i . i- '' . ... ' '' The Spectacle -Dere Spectacle: I am so terribly het up because n account of tu very fainus cuples are very unappy, because on account of Jacquelin Emerson nd Ed Sallenger are said to be instructors in rchry at there rispictive camps, so it is assumed ley bote tuck lessins frum Cupid, and now i dunt o whut tu du on account of on the last practice lupid used barded arrows and now bote bows is usted. Yores Forever. Dere Forever: Did you mean bows or beaus? Your Spectacle. -My Dear Mr. Spectacle: Being a philosopher, thought that perhaps you of all people might be ble to pass a fitting comment on this most insid>us connivance of two great fields of human eneavor. There seems to be a medium which makes lese two endeavors poisonous, and I want you to ;11 me what you think it is so that I can tell if is the same as I thought it was. I recently heard 'atherine Bush tell "little Georgie" that he could't elect a May Queen (beauty) playing basketill the way he does (athletics). So now she will ive to reign alone?if she reigns. And incidental, eorge is nursing his Hart alone. One who hates to be Lonesome. Dear Lonesome: Just two questions and I'll be lrougli with you: Did you mean that I am a plii sopher, or you? Also, did you mean Heart or [art ? Your Spectacle. -Chere M. Specteecle: Et ees one question vairec replexioning et eet have areezeen by one vairee imeuz Pharmacognosist whoo eez named lieemIf Helmar Abrams have say een mooch greet goonient that the Northern Prickly Ash Bark is the same come Southern Prickly Ash Bark eethout the bark. Now 111011 ami litterateur, pleeze me to my aide-nie and say what is right or rong. Consider moy, 111011 amado, votre esctiteur re>ectif, Amoir de sciencia. Dear Amoir: Quit the flattery and come to the )int, my dear most respected friend. / Your Spectacle. -Most clairvoyant Spectacle: I am a young man, imarried, with 110 children; but my friend, I am love, and the flush 011 my cheek makes my boss link I have a fever and am not able to work, nd what's more, you once said in your column iat a young man in love should give up all his >are time to the source of all affection. Now link again my friend?although I am in love, [though this flush you see in my cheek is purely uised by love, and although 1 am burning with esire to be near her all the time, still, old glass Pe, a man must rest, especially since all his time spare time. Therefore, fellow, I demand that yu rescind your statement so that 1 can sleep and on't lose my job. 1 remain, Distracted. Dear Distracted: Why do you have 110 cliilren? I he Spectacles Own Contribution -Information (and other tilings) wanted. Ilellan Abrams wants to know how many three cent amps there are in a dozen. Copies of the anvers should be sent to the United States Post ffice Department.?Professor Strother wants to nd a chauffer with a blue uniform to match his ew V8.?Sam Green berg wants to know how to ^ell weaning.?Dr. Copenhaver wants to know liich side of a buckeye to eat ; in case his class lould present him some after the numerous uizes lie is giving for midterm. -Elizabeth Creighton, stamping in fury shouts ) the world "never, never again will I use his old." (The editer agrees that it's not so good nyhow).?Ruth declared that the Beaux Arts lub took all her time and Ben Woodruff didn't ke it; so now Ilutliie "Hunts" alone?Harriet >ld Howard Kelly that he could stop "walker" r else "lever". And believe it or not, he "lef-fer." [argaret Douglas, in a rage, threw her mirror nt of the window, and hit Bobbie 011 the head, lie "Wood" splintered.?Jane told Jack Fisliurne she bust will not have a bicycle in the famy, so poor Jack now pedals his sorrow out alone? hile she 110 longer even "registers." Bally Ballar< (CONTINUED FR( Then a happy thought came out of the night And quickly dispelled their gloom: "It happened this way?the others came first, And for us there just wasn't room." So they rushed to a phone and called a cab, And soon were on their way To the paradise in Shandon's hills Where men were wont to play. They arrived in time to see the last Of the bidden guests go in; Then the door was shut with a definite ; force Twixt them and the merry din. Undaunted still, they claimbed the path With a proud, unknowing air, Unmindful of th'unwritten law: "Thou Shalt Not Enter Here." They gently knocked upon the door; It slowly opened wide? They greeted then their hostess fair, And slowly stepped inside? And slowly stood, and slowly sat, And slowly moved around? And slowly came to realize They were on alien ground. No one asked them to have a seat. No hand stretched out a drink. No friendly car was turned to hear The thoughts they liked to think. And no one else did anything? A hush was in the air? < And the glorious gal with the goo-goo eyes < (Their hostess wondrous fair) Just wandered round and round and round, Like the dizzy dame she is (She must have been to've wed that bloke, That clown, that fake, that phizz). No games were played, 110 wisecraxks ] made, No food came out at all. The party just curled up and died. < Can you blame it? Not at all. Tli' Unholy Three were nearly licked? ' They couldn't keep it up. ^ Someone had to DO something, If ANY were to sup. ] Meanwhile Mine Host and his favorite , "ghost," In the kitchen that stunk of wine, Combined their minds to make a whole And conceived a plan divine?Malign. So out into the banquet (?) hall Stately strode the "ghost". With visage stern and voice that burned, . lie started in to roast: Gallant Ed (Don Quixote) Scavanger gettini WENCH-ELL BY THE WAY Mr. and Mrs. Ed Nevergold, off the old standard, Mr. and Mrs. L,uke Williamson, luke warm oration, Mr. and Mrs. Rill Ilalscy, still in the picture (best still in the month, accordng to arts and movie), Mr. and Mrs. J. Wooley Browne, still towering high, Mr. and Mrs. Red Sullivan, (here's hoping Mr. Smith does not buck at this), Mr. and Mrs. Frank Hubbard, (why Barbara about that), all were present at Dame Cupid's Reno dance, according to Walter Wench-ell, who saw all through a keyhole. He further added that these ellustrious men had taken Reno by storm. He says he took their better halt's by arms, yes, he then bid "farewell to arms" when the clock struck "one minute to one P. M. at the Reno court house, when he skipped town back to New York with the worst halves on board, and did lie get socked, a jolt, not by Jolsen, but by the worst halves who presented him with an orchid. i Of Bums )M PAGE ONE) "Will you, and you, and you come back In the kitchen please with me?"' And the cruel thorn of social scorn Singled out the Three. "At last," they thought, "there's something said, And SOMEthing will be done. We'll either cat or else we're beat. We've lost or else we've won." N They followed close behind the ghost That led the solemn way. And wondered how a man could walk So like a fairy fay. They stopped and stood against the wall And tried to seem at ease, When up and spoke the gentleman (?) From over the blooming seas: "Sye, wot's the matter with you blokes, D'ya wanna stay dry all night ? Bli'me, tyke these glawsses 'ere, And tyste me 'omemade light." I "Thank you, sir, we will," they said. And then when they were done, . Noble words again came forth From Merrie Englandfc son: "And now, my friends, we've asked but few To drink this wine with us, And you were not among them, so It's leave the house you must. 'We haven't food enough for all." (Nor hospitality) Author's Note 'But we shall part as friends, and so You'll leave without formality. 'We'd rawther not disturb the guests And so, if you don't mind, You'll please go out the back door way,? tt's a real nice way, you'll find." [t hit them right between the eyes, And stunned them for a while. They couldn't think just what to say, 3r if to frown or smile. I And then on top of all before, As if that weren't enough, These words came forth in fiery spirit Prom the pansy history prof: t 'Please snap it up and hurry out; We really must go back , And serve the rest their food."?so spoke The perverted professor of fact. And so they went, and called a cab, And rode their homeward way; And swore that they would ne'er forget That cacli dog has his day. Knight g ready to tilt at another windmill. NEWS Once while working on a paper The Editor got tight, All efforts of the Staff had failed lo put him half way right. When in there walked a little boy With big tears in his eyes I ve bit my dog," he said ashamed "Im afraid he's gong to die." 1 he Editor shook off his trance, And shouted, "No more booze I" "For once I'll tell the cockeyed world "I've got a piece of NEWS." v. a. o. SATIRE "To labor with one's hands is indeed paradise enow," said the arm/ess wonder, in a sad aside to his flea bitten dog ,1 see said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw.) "My pardner and me went to see Mr. Senate every day when he was at the Cowlina pitcher show, and learned a lot from him," Screvvloose stated in an innerview late to-morrow afternoon. ft tnm^mmYBBnnntWMwrnrnrrinrnTTr~mm^^m\9 *vv^ ^wsbbs Chicken-Chatter By "Hico" Brownos? ^ Bud "Flathead" Plexander "The Two Stooges" Did you know that? Buttin' Blarney Early was to fight Bearcat Jones from the Seaboard Cafe on the fifth of April. Ole' Blarney is getting in shape by eating banana splits thrice daily. He only puts on three pounds a day. Bearcat eats sea food at the Seaboard to get him tough. They are to grapple with each other in the rear of Dunbar's Funeral Home for the benefit of the wild and woolly children from the State Hospitable. Kceley College had a bloody affair in one of the closets over there last week. Happy Harry Hamilton of West Virginity ran into Mule Face McManus' left when he was trying to get out of the way of Hog-back Hambright's teeth. Hog-back came out of the fray with a kick in the face. Happy Harry had his fingor nearly chewed off; while Dutch Willard was knocked unconscious with a gallon keg which was thrown by Hal Mauney anc| meant for Bloody Buddy Morehead. Black McDougall of the Northwest Mounty came riding in just in time to spare Bottom-lip Bubber Huskey's life when the boys had decked to have a little rolicking fun and pitch the old boy out the third story window. "Mountainlassie" Craig was slapped in the face with a two-by-fore and was singing "Home Sweet Home" when some one threw a cigarette butt down the back of his shirt. Joe Shinn, the lad from out in the long horn country is stuck on "IT" who goes to Carolina. Horace (Cocky) Blair chews two plugs of tobacco during every baseball session. He is the champeen spitter in the Gamecock machine. i James P. Bozingo, the Campus Orator, is trying his same old tricks on the Marshal again this year, but Pantey, who lost a close decision to Mozingo last season, was a little to foxy for the speaker the other day. "Foxy" Pantey came around checking up on the room-rent chiselers, cot-sleepers, and floor-sleepers, and caught Mozingo red-handed. His side-kick, Hardrock Smith, tossed Mozingo's bed clothing out on the floor, and hustled the bed off to the ware-house. Mozingo is now hardening his body on planks of his platform. He has tried to bargain Duck-butt Bounce for his mattress, but Bounce was just "too ducky for words" and would not give in to Bozingo better known to the "Stooges" as the "Mississippi Gambler." Prof. P. P. Waterfall wrote the famous song hit, "By a Waterfall" recently. It is one of his greatest achievements. Station U. S. C. signing off?This is CAB BO CALLOWAY HICKO BROWNO" and Flat Head Plexander, bidding you all good evening; this progfra has come to y?? over a frequency of 48 motorcycles over a nation wide Hick-up?Good Evening. The S. A. E. frat house is slated to move up to Wardlaw College soon and join together with the boys from downun er, to assist each other in "funnelingit up. Wardlaw has a well-equipped bar on the top floor to serve all sorts of good drinks. Wines and liquors Served: Liquors: 1. Cocktails?marline, dry or sweet; gin; Manhattan; Bronx; Silver Dream; Green Devil; Orange Blossom; etc. 2. Sours?Whiskey and gin. 3. Rot-Gut?Scotch, Tom Collins, Silver Queen. 4. Fizzes?Gin, Golden Wedding, etc. Wines : 1. Cobblers?Sherry, port, claret, and Rhine. 2. Flips?Sherry and Port. 3. Vermouth?French or Italian. 4. Wines?Port, Muscatelle, Tokay, Rhine, Claret and Sauterne. Additional drinks will be added to this hst as soon as other imported wines and liquors are available. Bum up to see us sometime." The Ferret advocates for Dr. Wendley, custodian of the library, a sound-proof telephone booth, so that he may order from his bootlegger \yithout divulging the latter's telephone number to the students in the library, who are all ears. A silent typewriter might also be a good idea, but after all we can't expect too much. Anyw.iy, for the benefit of freshmen and law students we might explain that the quaint green and white legend reading Quiet Please" which is to be found in the lobby, is not for the benefit of the library attendants themselves. ( u. H. o. Davis-dodging" has won quite a large number of devotees. Second in popularity is ring-around-the-roses. Next comes .-.-'i drop the hankcrchicf and then ping-pong, i I he head of a boy, who had the temerity to suggest the playing of "post of- y fice, may be seem impaled on the front^M