Historical Newspapers of South Carolina

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PI GAMECOCK < 11 1 i = Published on April 1 every year through the combined efforts of the Grill Literary Society and the Chanticleer self-confessed intelligentsia. Supervised by the Board of Strangulation of the University of Soused Carolina. Entered as second class mail matter at the Columbia, South Carolina, - postoffice on November 20, 1908. Member of Phi Beta Kappa Member of Kappa Beta Phi (Two of a kind.) New3 articles may be contributed by any member of the student body, except Wee Willie Dean. Articles must be written while under the influence of liquor and must have been first rejected by either Whiz Bang or Police Gazette. SUBSCRIPTION RATE?ALL BRIBES GLADLY ACCEPTED CIRCULATION?THE STAFF ? " Advertising rates?Prohibitive Offices in the Industrial Home Gamecock office?phone 5115 POLE (STAFF) "Wowsie" Weldon - -- -- -- - Editor-in-Capicitated Jack Scholenberger Damaging Editor ASSOCIATED EDITORS Oscar L. Keith - -- - - -- - Kappa Beta Phi Editor Lawson Scott - French Publicist Riley Gettys Strangulation Editor Troy T. Stokes - -- -- -- -- Hell-of-an-Editor Madame Doormat - -- -- -- -- Lousy Editor Yates Snowden - -- -- -- -- Mathematics Editor DESTRUCTIVE EDITORS Miller Simpson Criminal News Editor Herman Dorn - -- -- -- -- - Sports Editor Bully Quattlebaum Vulgar Editor Teddy Duvall - -- -- -- -- High Society Editor Havilah Babcock - -- -- -- -- - Bull Editor John A. Chase Bossy Editor Ralph K. Faster Know-it-all-Editor BAD GIRL EDITORS Maude Brazierc - -- -- -- -- -- Editor Rucia Abercrombie - -- -- -- -- - Gossip Editor Mildred Steppe Necking Editor Margaret Mann - -- -- -- -- - Unjust Editor MONEY-MAKING EDITORS - Virginia Reynolds Big Mucky-de-muck ^|jj||k Ellie Thomas - -- -- -- - Little Ditto Harry Hamer ----------- - Worst - BAD CIRCULATION STAFF |^^Hj. Roy Prince - Circulation Manager ; Lester Hamilton Assistant Manager Hugh Hamilton Assistant Manager B Melton A. Goodstein Assistant Manager v BRAYING FOR: More Co-eds?They can't come any worse. , BNew Commerce instructors?The present ones are inadequate. More Football Material?Spend anything but beat Clemson. Dark Corners?How can the faculty expect students to get a liberal education without such. J Dirt Sidewalks?The pavement hurts the students' feet. .APRIL 1 (If this gets by the Censor) ^ ==ORIGIN OF "HORSE DOCTOR" The Gamecock wishes to congratulate the history department on I lunearthing old manuscripts and account books revealing the dim early history of South Carolina, which has resulted in the discovery of very valuable information concerning the origin of the vile and foul name ot "Horse Doctor" which is so often applied to the members of the student body. The discovery is in two parts. One was a very old and hoary manu script safely hidden away in one of the filing cases in the journalism de Apartment. Great difficulty was incountered in deciphering it as much of the print was hidden by dust. The other account was found in the pocket book of Dr. Foster, director of student misbehavior; it is said that this Hold purse has not been opened since 1900?back in the days when Coca Colas only cost a nickle. It all happened back in 1890 when Kenith Grimsley was president of " Hthe student body. It was the fall of the year?Bannie Stuart and Patsy Wardlaw had just entered together as freshmen. It seems that the school of veterinary surgery?commonly know as the K^Hschool of civil engineering?were working night and day to discover a ^KJpcure for a peculiar disease peculiar to horses. This strange disease, which affected the rear end of the horses spinal column, is said to have begun with Hairy Hingsen and spread to every other horses posterior in the country. The embryonic veterinarians were working into the late hours of the night in the large rooms of Sloan College. They were, in the name of service to mankind, disecting a young jackass?which is alleged to have been known as John Scott. After they had taken out all of the internal organs of the poor animal, and he was beginning to look like an empty suitcase, someone discovered that the experiment was useless anyway. All the horses in the country had died and Bland Hammond had invented the automobile to take their place. It was about decided to put the poor jackass out of his misery when a noble student interviened, "He shall not die?he reminds me too much of one of Dr. Waterfall's cast off shoes." And?the very same day Madame Grace Sweeney, who taught a course called " the care and feeding of horses," was caught by Judge Smith giving an illustrated lecture on Birth control. Judge immediately proposed elopment. To cap the whole disgraceful matter, Dean Rowe was heard to say "Damn" in front of a young boy who had not yet reached the age of 85. Is it any wonder, my clear children, that it has become an insult to be called a horse doctor? If the public sentiment does not subside in the next year, some fear that it will become as deadly an insult as being called a Palmetto Player. u. s. c.: SEVEN CAMPUS WONDERS Compiled by Robert Gressette (1) Dr. Achorns, Ph.D., from Haavalid, if you please, which must weigh at least fifty pounds, judging by the crook it gives his shoulders. You may have the makings of an oak-tree, big boy, but you're just a little scorn to me. (2) Punk Atkinson's basso prof undo, wherewith he aspires to drown his platitudes in volumes of cacophony. If an impressive voice denotes an impressive intellect, here's one portly mass of corpulent obesity who's headed for the presidency. But if mind partakes of the quality of the voice, why not equally of the nature of the body ? (3) Two nightwatchmen hold complete sway over the campus after four o'clock and have more to do with moulding the characters of the students than the entire faculty combined. They are marvels of geniuses, no doubt, but still some students think the faculty smarter. (4) Dr. Barney Heyward's two-a-minute physical exams. Some sinecure, eh doc ? Next thing you know he'll give us a pill to learn our math lesson. Now, doc, don't you go and take all the joy out of life. (5) Martha Vance Ellisaw's conceit extends in an aura about her to ' a distance of eleven feet. Sparrows that dip too near her in their flight, fall in death, mites of shattered feather and flesh. Is there a human heart under that supercilious exterior of yours, Martha? Give us a peek at it, and maybe well find it likable. However, when we see some of our other I" coeds, you aren't so bad after all. 6) William Broughton, king of Broughton ? We don't know, nor ha> We perceive only that William Btou will employ his friends in any way 1 charm that is William Broughton's. William ? (7) The Russian Adventures of delivered gratis on any occasion o gradually discern a growing fringe motif, and an intensification of the | those parts of the narrative concerr on, Pat. You'll be Lenin's advisor an The Junior League fashion show was splendid. The bodies (not by Fisher) are getting better every year. And here's our latest definition of a kibitzer: a co-ed whose mother told her to be a "nice girl" and who took the instructions seriously. Members of Zeta Tau Alpha have fewer dates than those of other sororities. This is probably due to the fact that several of them are medical students and the teachers tell them "everything." Rumor has it that a certain winner in the recent Gamecock statistical contest had to do a lot of "politicing" to win his honor. And have you noticed Mary Pinckney wearing all those new clothes? That I Wanta Pie's (or something like that) are certainly running hot this year. Now, girls, don't neglect your lessons, because certain professors have let it be known that they will accept no excuses and show no partiality?unless you make it worth their while. The local chapters of Phi Beta Kappa and Kappa Beta Phi arc alike in at least one respect?both of them contain extremes only. And what's more, several members of both. Maude Braziere has been nominated for the sweetheart of the latter and Jane Farris for that of the former. The main requirement for the editorship of The Gamecock is to be a first-class curser. The present editor received his training under the late-lamented Ashley Halsey, Jr., and so is quite proficient. However, Halsey's record of ten minutes and thirty-eight seconds without repetition still stands down in the office. Z > YOUF \ YOUF (01951, Lmoan tMrai Tobacco SBS#81SaSBH*8*0*)SSSBHHH5SjjjHH#P^B*#8fc poseurs. Who are you, Williatn re we ever found any one who does, ghton loves William Broughton and tie can to enhance the glory and the Are you capable of a true emotion, .: . r .v i ' . . Professor Kilpatrick. These will be r on no occasion at all. Intimates ; of embroidery, an elaboration of glamorous atmosphere, especially in ling a pretty red-cross nurse. Keep d 1 rotsky's aid yet. Shock-Tails^ Ossie" Keith was picked up in a raid on a skin game over in Andrews' Yard by officers the other night. All the colored brethren were lodged in the same cell. 'N\iff sedl Wilmot Jacobs carried out the part of Sir Andrew Agueclieek in "Twelfth Night" faihy well. But his ideal role would be the jackass in the "Passion Play 1" i Dean Irene Dillard would have had a puncture proof case against Kilpatrick if she could have seen how many children down on Taylor street call him "Daddy 1" Due to the unemployment situation in,Columbia, the number of co-eds up at Clemson has miraculously increased! Well, that's what Hoover's relief committee didl A still was discovered in the dusty halls of LeConte College last week. At the jail Dr. L,ipscomb stated that it was all for the advancement of science I Wonder why there is an orphan asylum so. near Columbia College? Modesty stops us at this point but draw your own conclusions! Hot news! Josie Stokes, prissing prof., was discovered by a detective when he went to New York last week and it has been disclosed that he poses as a model for ladies' lingerie at a Fifth Avenue modiste shop! Charlie Mercer pulled a raw joke in his class in physics the other day. Here 'tis: Charlie: Do you know why there are midgets at the fair? Class: Nix, learned bull-slinger, shoot! Charlie: 'Cause their daddies were Scotchmen 1 Class: Ha! Hal Ha! and so on, infinitum. t EYES M Bl I TASTE / MILDER...and J BETTER TASTE / Co. ' II I The Political Slop "Always Bubbling Over" - i The May Queen election, which comes off the latter part of next week, promises to be the most exciting and most flabbergasting this campus has ever seen. Six fair young (which is greatly doubted) damsels have announced they are going to be the next May Queen, even if they have to kidnap all the male voters and steal their votes or follow the old custom of stuffing the ballot boxes. Said dames are no other than Vera Jones, Fancy Flippers, Liza Helser, Maggie Dial, Rowena Jonas, and Willie B. Saylor. If these compose the pulchritude of the school, as they claim, we would hate to see the ugly ones (fortunately there are none).' Vera Jones, the dark horse of the Boineau's, is thought by many who have had dates with her to be in tip top shape for the gruelling ordeal of procuring votes. She has offered a buss to anyone who will vote for her, regardless of sex, color, or previous condition of servitude. Fancy Flippers, the hag of the A. T. O.'s, has sworn a mighty oath that she must have the honor of showing her supposed pulchritude to the wharf-rats who will come to see the queen crowned. It is even rumored that she is offering dates to all who ask her now. This offer will only last until the election, however. Liza Helser, Flippers' harem sister, is also determined at all costs to secure the honor. To further her cause, she has secured the celebrated grandpa Grimsley to be her manager. You all remember that lie is the lad who gets mates for all the women. It is said that if he has one date with a girl, she gets married within three months. We wonder if Liza is married. Maggie Dial, the blond wench of the Pi K. A.'s, in her efforts to win the race has secured the backing of Colt Bulberson. We wonder how she did this because we couldn't even though we swore to remunerate him. He wouldn't bite for us, so something is very suspicious. Well, she may be Bulberson's pick of the lot, but the Slop wouldn't bet on her. Ah, here is another high and mighty dame who is now consenting to speak to the campus illiterati, since she wants something. And she is none other than Miss Jonas, the high muckety-muck of the All Damm Pies sorority. She has already been chosen the most intellectual hussy in the Amalgamated Institutions of Lower Learning. The Slop prefers Rachel Mullfr. And now/ may we present the shrew, who is about to be tamed, if we can find Doug. She is Willie B. Saylor, better known as the wench of the mockingbird w 7 / Is one of these cigar longer than the other do your eyes deceive AY FOOL JT e//s the T/ OPEN FORUM I 1 Eddytior of tha Yellar Sheat? DeEr Madamn: The furst issure of the new Carelinyan, wit de propused chenges by tha damnp^ hool eddytor, Bull Laythum, come out tother day and was it hell? I'ss tella de worll Furst de had a pitchure of nude woman on de river, and she didnot hev no duds in her atall. I nearly hurted me gazers lookun' iat her Agger. Sumbuddy in this dam' school of art can shure draw 1 v The kuntents was rotten butt the pitchures as I have stated afore was hot. It had som fair jokes in ut (under wher they copccd em and the poettery was notso bad). The ads looked fiarely well as theyhad some culur on the bac and it was reel purty. It consisted of a dame on a beach in a swimmin clothes. She was supposing the back of her chest to ole Sol and ole Sol wus tekking it all in. The sun sees a lot it ain't spose to nohow. Well, in tha kuntents they hed sum stories that woulda made good fire starters. Ther wus on of thes esshays people is alius writtin. They ain't no good butt professirs in collitch is alius makin yu write em so they may be sum count. Tha stories was all rotten as hell. So ther you are. So please past a law to probolish the legislature and tha Carolinyan. Nithcr does a bit of good to anybody, so lo's cut them both outl Yours Truly, J. Woodrow Lewis. u. s. c. At last here is a "Yellow Sheet" without Doctor Douglas' picture In it. The editors are receiving congratulations. In looking over the files of The Gamecock we see that "Rock" Smith was almost arrested out at Camp Jackson one dark night. The house detective saw him going there again the other night. Hey, doc, how much a quart is it? legs. Her backers say she is going to win in a walk, but we would prefer her standing still. They also* say she is mighty popular at dances. But how did she get that way. Maybe, who knows ? You have seen the rest, and now we will show you the best, a true dark horse, Floride Goddard. She gets our vote and many others, even though we have to stuff the ballot boxes. For if she can't take you on, she will see that you have a companion, if she had to rob the A. D. Pi cradle to get one. ettes ? or you? YOU i A vth / % 4 r p <Y.,\ fat . Smt . ^