The gamecock. (Columbia, S.C.) 1908-2006, April 01, 1931, Page Page Two, Image 2
fFAGUL
NINE MEMBERS
WIN IN CONTEST
,'^1 '
Waterfall Swamps Opposition
to Win Title
as Dumbest Professor
U
, WILLIAMS IS SHAKIEST
Keith, Rowe, Dillard, Babcock,
Norwood, Stokes and Bell
Win Also
S\V?:
In the rccent campaign among the
faculty to determine the most outstanding
in their respective fields of endeavor,
the following highly illuminating results
were obtained:
Most hated: Professor Keith, 79
votes, Mr. Keith obtained his distinction
011 the grounds that the reaction evinced
toward him is so powerful that unfortunates
who have come in close contact
with him are frequently flung as far off
as Asia Minor. A block of this hated is
so impervious that it repulses even
highly penetrative X-rays, a considerable
handicap in case he fractures his skull.
Dumbest: Waterfall, 67 votes. Mr.
Waterfall's platform consisted of three
yyj^Bplanks (1) I don't know nothing; (2)
^ 1 aint never knew nothing; and (3) I
?don't; want to know nothing nohow.
Needless to say, this powerful appeal
r could not go unheeded, and Mr. Waterfall's
majority was impressive.
X' j Biggest horse-doctor: Dean Rowe, 62
I votes. Among his other accomplishments,
^iDeau Rowe possesses a true liorse-doc.
,1 tor's vocabulary, acquired "on the job,"
- which he employs frequently for the
I flB gratification of awed and wondering
freshmen, who stand amazed at the effulgent
grammatical outbursts.
Most Designing: Dean Dillard, 116
votes. With but four dissenting votes,
' I Irene swept straight to this most desiraI
ble honor. No one can aproach her rec'
I ord of seventeen blue-eyed freshmen,
B six Catholic priests, and a chauffeur, all
I in the course of a single week.
Biggest noise: Derrick, 77 votes. This
victory was assured. It is recalled that
I last year Prof. Derrick won the talker's
i marathon by going nine weeks without
a pause. To this estimable record must
go his rare ability for saying absolutely
nothing in more words than any man at
the University.
Sissiest: Joe Norwood and Joe Stokes,
tied at sixty votes each. Norwood based
his claim on his effeminate manner and
womanly intuition but Stokes counteracted
by demonstrating his ability as a
female irnpresonator, and honors were
equally divided to 110 decision.
Bigges hypocrite: R. G. Bell, 64
votes. With characteristic art, Mr. Bell
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Literary Hot Shots
Want More Necking
DEMONSTRATIONS GIVEN
Lustful Lassies Fight Over Cavemen
Amid Orgy of Passion- '
ate Abandon
Steaming and burning discussion
agitated the meeting of the Hipassion
literary society Wednesday.
Maudic Brazelle, chief hot shot, warmly
advocated doing away with the name
"literary society." "It is a burning shame
that we keep such an out of date name
to give people the wrong impression.
Of course everybody but the new students
knows that we are really the high
priestesses in the art of loving."
Hisses, catcalls and horse laughs from
the members present sounded through
the hall as Miss Iirazil sat down.
That the Clariosophics and the Highpassions
amalgamate so that the bashful
new members woul have material to
practice upon was the motion put by the
Chi Omega machine, led by Saluda "No
Date" Reese and little sister Mary.
They were immediately opposed by the
dormitory gang, headed by Rub Aiyat
and Ruth Richie, who were in favor of
uniting with the Euphradians because
there were more boys in it.
The battle was called a draw bjy Bonnie
Annie Laurie, the president, because
the floor was getting heaped with stray
teeth and hair.
First on the amatory program, "How
to Love," was a speech by Hattie Mac
Still on "How to Get Your Man," who
demonstrated her lecture with illustrations
from the life through the co-operation
of Bill Jeffords, honorary member.
Ruth Ellsworth delivered an interesting
an instructive talk on "How to
Keep the Victim After You Get Him."
Ruth would probably be talking yet if
she hadn't started working on Orthello
McCutcheons, who was experimenting
further with Hattie Mae. Miss Ellsworth
is resting easily at the latest report "from
the Bull Street Morgue. Miss Still suffered
only a broken hand from her last
.swing at Ruth's head.
u. S. c.
If Red McCall was only an absentminded
professor, we could make up a
good joke about how he put on his
Austin and rode to school in his hat.
presented this irresistable appeal:
"Friends, I love the University, do twice
as much work as I'm paid for, do everything
I can to help the sudents find work,
and love and fear the Lord." He won
heads up.
Shakiest: Shaky Williams, 61 votes.
A most interesting race developed here.
Dr. Currel made a strong bid by demonstrating
the illegibility of his handwriting
oil a blackboard; Dr. Wauchope
caused a sheet of paper to vibrate like a
rattler's tail; but when Shaky Williams
converted one pound of cream into two
pounds of butter simply by holding the 1
container in his hands, he eked out the
victory.
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The late Mr. William Dean, directt
Tomatto Players until he was murdere
Dean was wanted in seven states for th
an accessory before the fact to the cri:
reputation with intent to kill.
Phi Beta Kc
Scornfi
Members of the local chapter of
a few notches when three of the
campus flipped bids to that mate
to boost the frat by their accepta
Revelise, and Bill Cantey.
This is the first jolt that Phi Beta
Kappa has received. It has been rocking
along rather haphazardly for several
years?making only a few mistakes
now and then. The outstanding
of these are the election of Oxcar
Keith as secretary and the selection of
little Bobby Wauchope to membership.
Melton Goodstein, in his statement to
the press (he talked about two hours')
said, among other things, that he considered
it far below his intellectual
standard to associate himself with such
a low rabble as this. In a ringing voice
lie declared, "I think that it is my duty
. . ." but due to Mr. Goodstein's officious
pipe, the Gamecock reporter retired
at this point.
It was thought up until the last that
Mr. Revelise was going to accept his invitation
from the mystic order. But the
sinister Max was saving his decision for
i melodramatic revelation.
At the initiation ceremonies Doctor
Currell, august president of the goodfellows
union, presented Maxie with the
key. No sooner had he gotten his hands
on the little object than he drew back
with a vicious, "Ah-h-h-hh I" And with
a mighty heave he flung it into the face
of Doctor Currell. And after it he
pitched the scorching words, "Take that,
you old mean thing I"
Doctor Currell, in his astonishment, allowed
his mouth to drop open, and he
swallowed the ill-begotten little key. No
operation will be necessary; X-rays
show that the key has hung itself nicely
on the doctor's appendix and that the
appendix is already beginning to get
snooty toward the rest of the organs.
The Cantey person, when approached
by the press for an explanation stated,
'I joined Sigma Alpha Epsilon when I
was a freshman and didn't know any
better?y' won't catch me being sucked
in again, I'm too smart. Besides I don't
see a bit of use in my spending any
money joining another second-rate fra:ernity."
u. ?. c.
Five Candidates
In Student Race
(Continued from page one)
figuring strongly on the colored vote.
Mr. A. I. A. U. W. C. S. Dupre is
strongly in favor of mint flavored
Fleets for the infirmary. He informs
us that he is a constant user of this
boon to mankind. He says that it gives
him more timt to think.
Of course there isn't much to pick
from but remember, as the boy said
when he embarked on his first date
with a Carolina co-ed, "Well, some do
ind some don't."
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ir of the University of Soused Carolina
d by the Clemson cadets recently. Mr.
e murder of dramatic art and for being
me of attacking the University's social
ippa Bids
illy Rejected
Phi Beta Kappa were pulled down
outstanding men of the Carolina
rnal organization. Those refusing
nee were Melton Goodstein, Max
CLUB DEDICATES
PERPETUATION TO
GENERALSHERMAN
Monument Unvieled in Front of
LeConte?Tucker Gives
Address
Amid pomp and splendor, illuminating
the campus with a brilliant glow,
the Yankee club last night dedicated
a monument to General Sherman in
front of LeConte College. The monument
was built by money stolen from
Southerners when Sherman burned
Columbia.
Many famous men were present at
the unveiling, the address being given
by Gordon H. Tucker, great-grandson
of General Sherman's aide-de-camp
and reputed Spanish spy in the RussoJapanese
war. Also in the front ranks
of the band, as they paraded three
times around the campus, were Kal
Berkowitz, erstwhile Governor of
South Carolina during the Carpet Bagger
period, Frank Giannangelo, known
better as "The Pope" and famous as
the leader of the negro slave rebellion
in Colleton County, Mike Windus,
two hundred pound senator from the
north, appointed by the bootleggers,
carpet baggers and Oscar DePriest.
The Yankee club is composed of all
Yankees on the campus. It is noted
for its persecution of the "old Southern
Gentlemen" and other customs
peculiar to the South, such as the
manufacture of Bottled in Bond and
the precedence of Late Dates in the
Woman's dorm.
The motto of the club is, "Down
With the Rebels."
Officers are: Chief Yankee, Oscar
DePriest; Yankee Doodle, Yates
Snowdcn, Yankee III, Bill Herbert;
Little Yank, Punk Atkinson.
The custom of burning Columbia
once a year will be kept up as usual.
The tentative dale set is April 21.
v. ?. c.
Cop (to Prof. Norwood, lying in the
gutter): Drunk?
Dapper Joe: Course not! I'm shavin'
thish parking shpacc for a fricn'.
Sober: What time is it, old man?
Tight: Ish 'bout a quarter of?aw, a
quart of milk.
( Heard at Bowery Ball:
He: This costume makes me look like
a fool.
She: Well??
V
)ETERI
Goof Bell Dies Alone;
Makes World Cleaner
LEAVES NOUGHT TO POOR
Famous Miser Rests Tight 'Till
the Last and Warmer Future
Predicted by Preacher
"Hail, Hail, the King is dead; long
live all hypocrites."
Hilarious rejoicing to all Carolina
students and to the loyal order of the
Young Morons' Heathen Association
I was occasioned Monday when it became
known that R. Goof Bell, ignoble
I mid-wife of the latter group, suffered
a fatal attack of heart trouble.
His physicians called it heart trouble,
I but he attended a church picnic the
I day before, and it is probable that the
opportunity to get so much free food
I after having starved himself for years
I caused him to founder.
The deceased and Httle lamented
Goof is known as the stingiest hypoI
crite in Columbia. The campus deserves
congratulations as it is rid of
a greedy, selfish, penny-pinching old
hog who never in his life did anything
I to benefit his community.
He held on to his vermin-infested
property while the town grew up
around him and made him rich. He
I never contributed a nickel to charity
I or community enterprise, and he paid
I his bills so tardily and resentfully that
the money was scarce worth the effort
I to collect.
His wealth made him powerful
I enough to dominate the Young Morons'
Heathen Association, but he felt he
had done his duty when he led in
prayer each Sunday night and then I
I sat where everyone could look at him.
The less important matter of paying
I expenses he left to the poorer members
J of the group.
I The funeral service was very impressive,
A. choir composed of African
I savages sang "Jesus, I gave my all
I for Thee," and the preacher spoke
I eloquently of the eternal joy that is
I the reward of those who 'put their
trust in the Devil.
The coffin was too small for a man
so large, byt 'dcy.btless he will rest
easier in bei/ig^tyht to the last. His
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No. 22893, New York State
Penitentiary
No, this is not a real prisoner, but
only a snapshot of Joan Crawford as
she was preparing for jail scenes in
her recent picture, "Paid."
BUSHAW CHARGED ^
WITH EMBEZZLING
Waldic
Bushaw, of Greenville, photographic
# manager of the 1931 annual,
was called before the Garnet and Black
investigation committee late yesterday
afternoon to answer charges of graft.
The defendant is charged with receiving
money from White's Studio6
in excess of the amount specified in the
annual constitution. In return he to get
free many group pictures of University
affairs and to award this company the
contract for supplying all group pictures
to students for this year. This was
to be handled through the well known
member of the photographic staff and
he is to get a 200 per cent, discount for
handling the enormous business.
death benefits mankind. It puts his
money in circulation.
The tight old hog is survived by
three children, his wife having preceded
him to the grave four years ago
and thus escaped four years of thankless
drudgery. After her death he lived
alone in the unpainted, tumble-down
shack that had been his home for 45
years. He planned to live with his
children but each was afraid that the
.one that fed him would work some
trick to get his property and at length
all agreed to let him drift for himself.
"May he rest in misery."
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