Historical Newspapers of South Carolina

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| iuiuv. o. v^. Library T u p JmMnrjp pR I "ALL THE BUNK A UNREADABLE FOR | UNFIT TO PRINT" KIDS UNDER 16 ' "SHE ROARS FOR SOOTHING SYRUP." yQTi, YYTTT" PUBLISHED ON PERFORATED PAPER AT PINOPOLIS, B. C., APRIL 1, 1492 No. 0 ! FREAS DR. BUNGLAS IS DEPUTED SENATOR TAKES PLACE OF FREASE New President Is Against French Literature But Will Allow Drinking Pursuing the policy of dictatorship begun by Mussolini in 1919, and practiced previously by Simon LeGree, Cold L. Frease, senator ? from Soused Carolina, has de- ] clared himself president of the . University of Soused Carolina. He has appointed Dr. D. M. Douglas, decomposed president, to take J his place in the national senate. "We are a political trinity, Dr. Bunglas, Gov. John G. Scratchards and myself," Senator Frease told a reporter of the Amalgamated Tiger / while mixing himself a "Cotton Cock- j tail," his personal concoction. "The three of us think, look, eat, : act and drink alike. I'm just swapping places with Dr. Bunglas. I think he , will enchant and hypnotize the Dam- J yankee senators with his slow, quaint t speech." I When interviewed, the governor of Norse Carolina said to the governor of ] Soused Carolina, "From long experi- , ence with Dr. Bunglas, I feel that he ] will succeed in congress. Senator ] Frease does not think before speaking, ] nor does Dr. Bunglas, but Dr. Bunglas a speaks so much more slowly." t Senator Frease, known as the "Sen- i atorial Sponge" because he soaks up j liquids outside the senate chamber and wrings himself bone-dry before , entering, plans to do away with honor ] points and substitute in their stead i "crooked lines." "I cannot forget that I was once ] fired from the University for quoting ^ John C. Calhoun's speeches as my . very own. My record since then reeks ' for itself. You see why I oppose ^ honor," the raven-locked ranter of the i Tugaloo orated. "But the secret of my presence here , is my secret and uncontrollable pas- J sion to retaliate by firing professors (Continued on Page 5) TEACHERS HUNG UP ON WINDOW AT DORMITORY Performing a miracle by making one of the screens in the woman's dormi- 1 tory rise (where many football ath- ' letes had failed) and establishing a Precedent for younger faculty mem- i bers, Profs. Merriwether and Callcott called at the co-eds boarding house 1 via Mrs. Graham's window at 12:30 1 this a. m. 1 Merriwidow stated that he was very sorry circumstances prevented their arrival at midnight, but that he met with far more success than the recent effort at auto seduction. The matron was not in her boudoir when their arrived, but hastened to greet them when steps and deep breaths echoed through the hall. When hailed before the Stewednut honor committee, both men claimed Jhey had entered the damnitory for 'baggage." "aggage is a very loose term when used by history professors," declared Ur. Yates Snowea-under, largest head ?? the history department. "Back when Charlestown was a village, Charts II. had eleven mistresses and addressed all of them 'Thou fair baggage.' " .Both history professors were conv>cted of the Rape of the Sabines. IE IS f *< i Cold L. Frease, Semi-cract, dressed ' is little Lord Fauntleroy to attend the >irthday party of Representative Oscar DePriest, negro, Republican, Chicago. Baker Fires \ Entire Staff Almost the entire editorial staff of I The Gamecock was declared expelled >y Dean L. T. Baker, chairman of the ( liscipline committee, in a statement ssued from his office early Monday norning. The action came as a resuit of one of the campus policemen inding the convicted students in the lewspaper office Sunday night under he influence of liquor. Those students concerned are the ' Reverend .John Madison Younginer ind Robert H. Atkinson, ex-editors; \shley Halsey, editor-in-chief; W. Frank Taylor, Wilson O. Weldon, J. Mitchell Morse, and W. I. Latham, tssociates; LeRoy M. Want, managing iditor; and Melvin Karesh, John White, Lewis Wallace, and J. Roy Prince from the editorial staff. The jnly members of the co-ed staff con:erned are Darice Jackson, Francis Black, Vera Jones, and Sarah Agnes fackson. In his statement yesterday, Dean Baker declared that he was aware ttiat those expelled were among the most prominent men and women in school. He added, however, that the example to future drinkers and "sots" would be all the more impressive. Editor Halsey led the defense of his staff. He stated that the drinking was (Continued on Page 3) NO PROFIT FROM BUGGY BUSINESS According to information from the superintendent of the State Hospital, Elizabeth Wingfield of Columbia, junior at the University, has been committed to the ward for the treatment of the harmless insane. The authorities of the asylum, when interviewed by a reporter of The Gamecock, refused to divulge the reason for Miss Wingfield's confinement. Upon investigation, it was found that she had been taken into custody in the Diana, where she Wao annoying the customers with her attempts to catch dies and lightning bugs. POISON PE] BY RABELAIS Our bloody bookstore firebrand tells us that a few years ago, (1907 to be exact) he attained the height of his ambition . . . six feet five inches. He is to be awarded the Squirt-Flitman medal for purity of character and length of service on the campus. Miss Pukefoy Heaveson appeared on the campus, her legs clad in other than the customary white stockings. We understand they were donated by the "Best Book a Month Club" as a gesture of acclaim to her magnetic personality. 'REZZ1 DOUGLAS DOES I FOR EXTRA ?_ 3aved When Co-Eds See Loose Clothes Senator Rogers And Shealy Yank Douglas From Legislature's Glass Tank Splashing around unclad in the glass tank recently installed in the hall of the State capitol, Dr. D. M. Douglas, president of the University of South Carolina, was barely rescued from drowning by Senator R. M. Rogers and Cyrus Lily-white Shealy, legislative lifesavers. "I peeled off iny clothes and dove ( in when little Georgie Buchanan whis- f pered in my ear that the extra $1,000 c of my salary which the legislature re- f fused me was at the bottom of the tank," Davie Bunglas gulped hoarsely as the lifesavers rolled him over a barrel. "And I got it, I got it." j Attention to the University president's dangerous plight was called by Roberta Lovelace and Roberta Plowden, zoology students who had wandered into the capitol in search of specimens. They told how they spied his hat floating on the surface, i and finally saw the nude president j swimming about the bottom of the ( tank. "The way those lifesavers jumped ; in was heroic," both girls aver. Miss 's Ruth English, very personal secretary j to Dr. Douglas, has rewarded each of ( them with a sticky kiss. I Theories as to the president's dive point to one conclusion, that he wanted ] (Continued on Page 10) JOURNALISTIC FROTH Light wines and beer may be served in The Gamecock office at any time, amendments to The Gamecock constitution provide. The amendments were passed by the Clariosloppy and Ufradijan Listlessrery sassieties Tuesday on < motion of "Honest Jawn" Dunbar, \ noted anti-prohibitionist and personal enemy of "Pussyfoot" Johnson. I "Honest Jawn" was inveigled in- 1 to making the motion by Ashley j Halsey, editor, who drunked him on , soda water. Vera Jones and Low- , est Fischer will be bar maids in 1 The Beercock saloon. i M REVEALS A certain Bill with a proclivity for . young married women and tales ad i nauseam of personal conquest, spoke 1 once well but not too wisely. This i brought-on a perfect exhibition. (Page he who gets slapped). It is understood that Prof. Kerchoo , Bawlsh has finally emerged from his psychological shell. Five co-eds made A's" on sickology without an exam. Two sassiety bums reclined in pulchritudinous grace on the brick wall. Spake the weightier: "Primrose, dear sister, arencha gittin' sorta lean?" r DEN T HIGH DIVE $1000 SALARY ' jPj Dr. D. M. Douglas, snapped by Bill Srown, staff photographer, just after le was hauled from the water. Purse :ontaining the extra $1,000 salary is (rasped in left hand. Cupid Kicks, Stirs Hopes To facilitate increases in the popuation of the State, make womankind lappy, and save the day for many coids whose efforts to get married have lot yet met with success, matrons (?) it the co-ed dormitories have arranged i matrimonial bureau to bring together joys and girls. It is expected that the bureau will be greatly appreciated ay the indiscriminately lovelorn. Sponsors of the bureau are Miss Lois Hentz, Z. T. A. nurse girl; Mrs. Floride Goddard, protecting goddess 5f the Bohemian House; Miss Miriam Holland, who chaperons Jack Chase; (Continued on Page 7) TIGER PELT NOW ADORNS OFFICE Shot with an air rifle in the swamps :>f Pesthole county, the pelt of a fullgrown tiger was recently presented rhe Gamecock office for use as a doormat. J. G. Adams, local freshman who put salt on the tiger's tail before peppering it with the air rifle, offered the Fur rug to The Gamecock's janitor for use at the front door. It was later moved around to the back door to :over a muddy spot, that door being more appropriate for it. The beast appears to have been old, toothless, and mangy, lacking one leg and a yard of tail. SCANDAL And the retort, after a cool survey of the other from tip to toe: "It looks like something," (shaking head) "But it's all bull?all bully." Cottontail Culvertson and Antivice League have entered upon an intrigue to curtail the establishment of more rubber plantations. "By Goddard, lets be Bohemian," shouted Cottontail, whereupon freshman Smart Alex Squirkhartz (with a few "q's" and "u's" mixed in) came home and dutifully disclosed a tete-a-tete panyama (Continued on Page 6) ACTION EXPECTED WITH BIG MERGER CLE MS ON WANTS COEDS Carolina, Clemson, Presbyterian, And Walhalla Woman's College Are Amalgamated Merged through the unkind offices of Mutt Gee, Bosh Jody, Dr. R. K. (Wreck Ker) Faster, and ' Dr. D. M. Dogulas, Clemson, Carolina, Presbyterian College and Walhalla Woman's College will from April 1 go through life as one huge, seething institution of brotherly, sisterly, and all other kinds of love. The new university will be known as Amalgamated Clemson, and will be united by spinning, knitting and butter-making methods in vogue at old, old Clemson. With this issue, that puny poultry pamphlet, formerly The Gamecock, becomes the Amalgamated Tiger, and all other departments and organs of the four colleges unify. Senator Cold L. Frease will be the new president, as Dr. Dounglas has not yet learned the scope of his authority under the new system. "Amalgamation is the only way to keep Clemson and Carolina from fighting," stated Premier Ramsey MacDonald at the last London peace conference. Such pacifists as Ruben Seigel, Red Watts, E. K. Pritchard, Johnny Justus and Bru Boineau hastened to murmur agreement, and negotiations were begun which ended yesterday in success. "Presbyterian College has the best faculty in the State, individually and collectively, and I am bringing them over here as fast as 1 can," Dr. D. M. Douglass drawled. "The simplest way to do that was to join colleges. They'll all be over from Clinton soon." Walhalla Woman's College will be a special training school for Coe-d, Columbia, and Chorine Follies, under direction of Dr. Hoo Murchison. "I can make the girlies dance on desks or classroom floors. In fact, I've worked under such handicaps before," Hughie remarked, lighting his trusty Murad with one swipe of a horny hand. More popularity is assured the coeds and Walhalla wenches by authorities at Clemson. "Us Clemson boys is just dying to (Continued on Page 10) WILLY DEAN TO PRESENT "BLUE BEARD" HAREM Wee Willy Dean, gifted and mustachioed stage director of the Tomato Players, is announcing at the top of his voice that he is gathering a cast for his next production, "Bluebeard's Seven Wives." Mr. Sheehan is noted over the State for the persistency with which he pushes himself into the limelight, and his diligence as a personal press agent. His picture has wrecked several issues of local papers, and similar typographical filth has spotted the pages of The Shamecock often. "Billy Brooker, the bally ass, is the secret of my success," Mr. Sheedean gurgled like a Cockney gargling beansoup in a fog. "He is a suparb press agent, and combines all the talents of a cub reporter, lap-poodle, and Mexican jackass, or burro. "As regards 'Bluebeard's Seven Wives,' H'l h'am most optimistic." His voice a gentle splutter of consonants, animal snorts, and strands of i mustache, the famous director exi plained that he, he himself, would act t in the newest production. He showed , in detail how his face had allowed him : to play the comedian in many shows. 1 4 H'I'm bally well equipped when it comes to looking funny," he remarked i with y, smirk which eclipsed three pim(Continued on Page 8) \ \ :