Historical Newspapers of South Carolina

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LE T LOVE' WAGES OF LrEI O0F UCI UNIVERBITY or ow SOUTH CAROLINA VOL. %XII. COLUMBIA, S. C., MONDAY, APRIL 1, 1929No2 Dou la KDKA ANNOUNCS IMPORTANT NEWS FOR UNIVERSITY Sir Reese of Swamps and Wilds Of Pee Dee Elected President POLICE GAZETTE PUBLICITY Will Make Bome Drastic Changes in the Adminiitration News that will shock the equanimity of the most sanguine persons of the intellectual world who are interested in the welfare of the human race, its demoralization, and the conversation: of the royal race of fleas and Scotch men is,the announcement from KDKA Pittsburg that Sir William Romulus Reese formerly of the swamps and wilds of Pee Dee has been elected president of the University of South Carolina. Recently when Mr. Reese was in Texas making a study of the agricultural situation among the wild horse thieves of that State he ran down and caught s specimen of a fencer which he declares worthy of the consideration of any college stu dent who believes in sleeping his life away. e , On hist return, 4r. Reese got to gether a few others of his nature and ousted the president of the University. He did this by abducting the former president and slipping in the office long enough to snitch some of the official stationery of the University, and writing a resignation in the name of the former president to the board of trustees. At the same time he de clared his intention to puncture each one who did not immediately declare that he would vote for him for the vacated office. Mr. Reese says he is going to make some drastic changes in the adminis tration of the University in an effort to get his name in the Police Gazette. His first plans are to get rid of the co-eds so that he- can Use the dormi tory as a hospital for the injured dogs he is going to use in training the faculty to play hide and seek. LEAGUE RUNS FOR GOVERNOR BLOODY RACE EXPECTED Tear Bombs and Deadly Rays To Supplement Machine Guns The year is nbw 1948. The race for Governor of South Carolina has en tered it's final stages. The candidates have made their last speeches. All is in readiness for the election day battle. The hopes of the upstate rest upon the slender shoulders of Congressman League. The large cities with their huge cotton mills of that section ex pect to hurl forth a majority that will sweep away forever the power of the lower state. Congressman League states to the press thet this Is the climax for all that he has worked for since he gradu ated from high school. At Carolina, he learned what politics were like. He learned that strad4ling .the fence was not a krood policy There,' he learned that sticking to a friend was a pplitical axiom. That Mal:hIeve1li wa* a pQtiti4 cal genius. That Bill Thomnpson was a great ideal to follow.. It is the . .Cont. Page 7 Col. 1 sAnnc DRIVER WILL BOSS WILLIAM AND MAR1 CAROLINA SUFFERS LOBS No Hope For Health Or Finance At Virginia College The Student Body and Alumni of William and Mary have petitioned out dearly beloved Athletic Director, J. G Quick, return to that institution as it's President. It now realizes what a great loss he was when he left there years ago. The football team of the Universit3 of South Carolina, led by Julian Beall have set up a big howl and say that they refuse to let the most populat Athletic Director that has been at the University in the last five years (wher did he come here?) depart. They can not let the man who was so con siderate of their studies as not to lei them miss a single class unnecessarily Why, even before the Virginia game they were allowed to stay in Columbia until the very last minute. They re alize that it was confidence in theii ability to win, even in the face of at allnight ride, that led to his action. The alumni have also set up a big protest, - They cannot bear -to see a man who. is so nice to. the returning alumni, one who treats them with sc much consideration, one who always welcomes them back, speaks so affabl3 to the men when he meets them after graduation, and one who makes it possible for. them to chat with the players. Those who are interested in the rminor sports of boxing, fencing, wrest. ling and tennis appreciate the hard Cont. Page 5 Col. 2 GREGORY WEEPS LOTS OF TEARS BLUSHES 250 CENTIGRADES Refuses Spiked Cow Juice and Goes on Temperance Crusade Carey Q. Gregory, the Angel of the Campus, has just joined the Woman's Christian Temperance Union, Mist Gregory arose from the table of the Milhouse family, with whom she boards, and refused her dessert be. cause she was informed that the basis Df the whipped cream was real, intox icating two per cent wine. "I abominate all beverages which tend to demoralize the youth of the :ountry. It is my intention to ally my. self with the Salvation Army, and ge ,ut on Saturday evenings to beat a drum to attract the sots from the sa Cont. Page 5 Col. 5 BEUXOUS CASE IS BEFORE FACULTY The gravest case brought before the faculty in recent years, was brought to tight a few days ago by Dr. Morse, hat eminent diciple of Watson dis :overed that during the last exams, several of his papers were loaded with cad. He discovered this merely by aeefdent while hurriedly weighing the ast batch of papers. 4$is discovsrv has.:caused great con :ern among' ?ht otfier members of the Faculty. The far reaching results of It inay be that a new system of grading willl be inaujnrated in the University. THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPEN Coach Laval made a long speech. Doctor Douglas learns the "scope of his authority." Eddie Pritchard went to a dance sober. Professor Babcock failed to "bum" a cigarette after class. R. G. Bell refused to make a speech. 'Lib Stackhouse spoke to someone. Nigel League didn't change sides. Jake Hydrick refused a drink. Sam Boudreaux had an idea and didn't mention it. Max Revelise failed to express an opinion Reed Smith came to a lecture with his hair parted and without traces of toothpaste on his moustache. Kenneth Grimsley presided over a meeting without a mistake. Red Jones and Francis Wood did not argue at a Literary Society meet ing. 'Lib Monteith is bashful. Jack Crawford laughed uproariously. Jack Chase forgot a name. Red Cobb let an election go by with out politicing. Ray Antley shaved before class. Drufe Griffin was on time once. BOYS TO BE . ALLOWED IN CO-ED DORM Authorities Well Pleased With New Idea. Sure Of Success SAY ACTION UNECOESSARY Spruill, Parrish and Grimsley Will Be Allowed First Privilege According to a recent announcement made by the authorities of the co-ed department, boys will be allowed in all the girls dormitories until mid night of every night except Sunday. Sunday is excepted because on that night, all the girls are expected to at tend strip-poker parties, at which the latest styles of drinking, necking, and gambling are taught. Several of the more famous of the petters among the men students will be freely dis cussed. James Spruill, Bill Parrish, and Kenneth Grimsley, will be brought up at the first meeting, to be held this Sunday. Dean Irene Dillard, when inter viewed by a reporter of the Yellow Sheet, expressed herself as being heartily in favor of the new privileges. Miss Dillard is a graduate of Randolph Macon, and seems to think that such practices will tend to improve the morality and necking standards of the University. She stated that when the same practices were instituted at her Alma Mater that she took full ad vantage of them. She also related many amusing anecdotes of some of her dates, most of which will be given at the weekly parties in the form of lectures. Mrs. Graham, matron of the woman's building, has also stated that men will be allowed In all the rooms within the hours stated above. How ever, it will be necessary that a senior co-ed' be along to act as chaperone. Mrs, Graham states that she has much Cont Page 5 Cclt 2 31. PRESIDENT FOR STUDENT BODY DOUGLAS LEAD RACE Old Yiddish Custom Installed At Carolina By Tammany and Blue Key The race for student body presi dency waxes hot. Many candidates are in the field. The writer will at tempt to give the platforms of several of the leading. Dr. Douglas seems to be leading the field at present. The Doctor believes that he will be better able to serve the University if he is president of the student body as well. This would gve all power to one man. Furthermore, the Doctor has all of the qualifica tions that seem to be foremost in this campaign. He comes here from an other college. He has been here .for a year and his time is not too much taken up for the duties of the presi dency of the student body. Next in running is Whitey Culbert son. He maintains that although a sophomore, he is eligible. He is handi capped, however, by the fact he began his career at Carolina. His platform of "Open Politics" should put him over. Jimmy Driver- is the possible "dark horse." He too comes from another college. He believes that the student body would be better off if run by an athletic hierarchy. He could more easily carry out his plans to make the University a huge stadium with a college in the background. Cont. Page 3 Col. 2 -U.s.c. SOCIETY HEARS THUNDERBUNK PLEADS FOR FREEDOM fugh and Weldon Defeat Reese and Heyman in Debate At the regular meeting of the Eu phradian Litgrary Society on March 26th, a program, featured by a talk on the relationship between the co-eds and men students of the University by Harold Funderburk, was much en joyed by those present. Mr. Funder burk, in his usual forceful manner, pleaded for freer relations (not neces sarily referring to marriage) among the men and women. "The co-eds should discard fur coats," he said, "In order to promote better feeling." The speaker also ,.expressed himself as being in favor of the society making an annual appropriation to take care Cont. Page 5 Col. 3 WASH BASIN AND FAUCET? GET CURE A room in Harper College badly needed repairs. The doors wouldn't shut, the wash basin was clogged up, the faucet needed a new washer, and two window panes were smashed. Two inmates of the roorfb went to see the University Official supposed to look after these little things. They were politely received, asked to have a chair and their complaints attentively listened to. The very same day, a handy man was sent over to aid room and he Conts Page.6 Gel. 2 rriage Companionate Marriage To Be Inaugurated At The State University Ballot Box Stuffed by Less Numerous Feminine Body Several Boys Leave Sohool BE RUN ON PIGGLY-WIGGLY CASH AND CARRY STYLE President Douglas has just an nounced in his timorous way that com panionate marriage is to be inaugu rated at this institution. This stupe fying decision has come as a result of a student referendum, in which the eds heartily denounced the plan, while the less numerous feminine body stuffed the ballot box to float the bond issue. It is rumored that several boys have already left school for fear of being summoned for experimental work. Before putting this connubial meas ure before the student body Dr. Doug las carefully worked out the plan by practical application. For this the well known J. V. Nielson and Virginia Doar sacrificed themselves for the sake of science. The trial has proved suc cessful, as has been evinced by the perfect contentment shown by the pair. Complete plans for the venture have not been divulged, but the following tentative plan has been worked out by the faculty committee on marriage, composed of Geology Smith, chair man; Emmett Kilpatrick; and Joey Morse. A training school is to be erected with Chas. (Tity) H. Water fall as chief instructor, assisted by Miss Helen S. Smith. The school is to run on the cash and carry style sort of Piggly-Wiggly or Giggly Swiggly. No student will be permitted to enter into more than seven alliances per semester without express permis sion from Jackie Chase, who will make scholastic standing the criterion. --.s.0. TEACHERS DEMAND REST ROOM KEY PROM DOCTOR BABCOCK Professor Tells Women That Professor Jackson Has Key "I represent fifty women teachers, Dr. Babcock, and we demand the key to the ladies' rest room." The angry and uncomfortable voice coming over the telephone was making a third and final attempt to link the illustrious name of Babcock with that of "Sam, Sam" in a popular, vulgar song of a few years past. "Dear lady, you have the wrong sow by the ear. (To be on the wrong scent. See 'According to Hoyle,' by Havllah Babcock.) You are barking up the wrong tree. Every dog has his day, and I seem to have put my foot in it. (All 'According to Hoyle.') However, I shall let the cat out of the bag. (Divulge-the secret, acording to Hoyle and Babcock.) So that you won''t get into hot water with the other teachers. There's a nigger in the woodpile, and Professor 'Jesse B. Jackson's it. He has cold feet, or he would take the key down to -the rest room. I Jike your nerve. You win the dog. (According to Hoyle.) The other forty--nine -womn may l t t Coni.la(c 2 Oni, 3