Historical Newspapers of South Carolina

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SOME IFS Just think what a typical April fool's day If the soberstaid faculty should get very gay, If the extension Director should loaf and not work, If Dr. Wardlaw should plain duty shirk, If the treasurer's office should ever go broke, If Mr. Crow could not get cigars to smoke, If Professor Derrick were not in a hur ry, If calm Dr. Douglas should get in a flurry, If Professor Keith should cease being polite, If the faculty Reverends should stage a prize fight, If the Canteen could ever get out of the hole, If the campus were free from the poli. tical role, If students delighted Dean Baker to face, If letters were welcome from Regi strar Chase, If Dr. Reed Smith should begin to use slang, If Dean Dillard said, "darn, I don't give a hang," If neighbors returned the things that they borrow, If students would never put off till to morrow, If libraries found all the books that they lose, If "Mother Mid" let the girls do as they choose, If the system of honor worked just as it should, If no one compiained of the beds or the food, If pluto and pills at the Infirmary gave out, If the fat should get thin and the thin should be stout, If chapel exercises would be irterest ing once, If tests and exams did not prove one a dunce, If someone Dr. Snowden's black cape would dare swipe, If Dean Ball should misplace his he loved pipe, If Dr. Currell in language quite simple should speak, If Dr. Dr. Wauchope's manners were not so meek, If classes were scheduled, but not to be met, If cars were not 1i'rked where stu dents might pet, If half of the jokes that we laughed at were funny, If the General Assembly would grant lots of money, If all of the campus could have its own way, Just think what a typical April Fool's Day. OBITUARIES Engaged-W. P. Baskin, Jr., Bishop ville, S. C., to Miss Gertrude Fanning. Columbia College, S. C. En.tgagedl-Mr. Dodie McDow, York, S. C., to Miss Helen Shandl, Columbia, S. C. Engaged-Mr. Billy Elliott, Beaufort, S. C., to Miss Dolly Moore, Columibia, S. C. Engaged-Mr. J. V. Nielsen, Char leston, S. C., to Miss Virginia Doar, Georgetown, S. C. Married-Mr. Cy Young, L.amar, S. C., to Miss Blanche Folsomi, Hartsville, S. C. Married-Mr. Silas Seideman, N. J., to Miss Ethel Anna Mcl4ure, Chester, S. C. Married-Mr. John Wells, Columbia, S. C., to Miss Mary McNulty, Colum bia, S. C. Married-Mr. Robert Dew, Latta, S. C., to Miss Amelia Bouknight, Colunm bia, S. C. Married-Mr. Emmett Gregg, Flor ence, S. C., to Miss Maudie Mill'gan, Columbia, S. C. (Ben Thornton was dropped by Miss Milligan.) Engagements Broken - Mr. Neal Carroll, York,S. C.. to Miss Ethlind Peterson, Spartanburg, S. C.,- but now of Columbia College, S. C. (Mr. Tomn Holliday cut Neal's water off.) Unafliliated-Miss Ethlind Pope, Co lumbia, S. C., the high hat queen of the campus. (It has been whispered that she is betrothed to Mr. Mike Windus.) Una. .liated-"Dizzy" Floye Vance, Columbia, S. C., the blind girl. (Bob by Shand leads her around by the hand.) WANT ADS LOST-My "Bull. Apply to Lei.t Robbins, Womans Building. WANTED-26c to pay my society dues. Apply to Lizzie Gary Craddock, Womani I,uilding. WANTED - -Some "news ' t, pue un der my column in the Coltpmbia R,ec ord. Apply to Marguer'te Johnon. FOR SALE-My Yellow hat aml my red coat with the white fur. Apply to Alice Hardin, Womans Building. WANTED-More flowers for co-eds to pick. Apply to Womans Build ing. WANTED-More students to run out of the Library. Apply to Miss Southerd. LOST-,Ten pounds. Finder please re turn to Gertrude Rigby. WANTED-More "slickers" to paint. Apply to Sura Wolff. LOST-One worn-out tooth brush. Finder please notify Floride Gantt. FOR SALE-Five inches of my height. Apply to Margaret All. WANTED-More boys to take te Bur nett's. Apply to Grace Saner. LOST-Strayed, or stolen; one red bicycle with yellow wheels. Finder please notify Prof. Meriwether and receive an A in History. WANTED-More "booze" to drink be fore lecturing to my classes. Apply to Geology Smith. WANTED-More girls to help out oi windows. Apply to Bannie Stewart. WANTED-One set of Economics lec ture cards. See Professor Water fall. WANTED-One marriage license. See "Shorty" Jones or Miss Ruth Brown. Brown. WANTED-One exceedingly fast pair of track shoes. Max O'Rubenstein. WANTED-Some more of the faculty to write about. "Egbert." WANTED-One bottle of Kink Proof hair tonic, scarlet shade preferred. "Blinks" Dupre. DESIRED-One more degree and ten years to get it. Marveen Mitc:hum. WANTED-Barks, roots, herbs and pills of all descriptions. Dangerous Dan Dantzler. I PROTECT any and all kinds. de grees, makes, antd types of "rats " f have experience. "Polly" PoliakoT. WANTED-More courses to drop. I A have bad eyes. Joseph Karesh. FOR SALE-Cheap, has never becn used'. one book on Etique te. Ben nie Kaplan. FOR SALE-One. slightly used piang by a musician with carved legs. LOST-One fountain pen by a co-ed half full of ink. WANTED-A girl to milk cow who speaks French. WANTED - One set of trouser buttons. See W. W. Bali. LOST-Two jobs. Please return to Ba ker and Morrison. Believed to have been lost in canteen. LOST-Pair o' dice. Return to Mil toni. FOUND--Pair o' (lice regained. Milton. LOST-One perfectly good dingle. Return to Miss Floride Gantt. OWEN & PAUL MERCHANT TAILORS Phone 6963 1117 Washington St. Columbia, S. C. Cleaning, Pressing Repairing, Altering Suits & Overcoats Made to Order SYLVAN BROS. JEWELF<RS AND DIAMOND MERCHANTS Most Complete Stock of Sterline Silver Prize Cups in. the Canolinas! Class Rings, and Pins, of the bet ter kind, made up to suit your own ideas. Come in and let's get ac quainted. 1500 Main St. Columbia. S. C. Funderburke to Get Position as Soloist Harold Funderburke is receiving the compliments of his friends this week. He has finally yielded to the pleadings of the students and has agreed to sign a contract with Sousa's band. Mr. Funderburke will be the feature of the concerts hereafter. He will be the cor diet soloist of the famous band. All friends of Fundeburke are in vited to be presenAt at a send-off party at twelve in the morning on Saturday uight, April 2nd. The boys of Burney are planning an elaborate affair. The room will be 6rofusely decorated with wild onion blossoms. The floor will be covered with h'ay. Garlic will be ser ved as refreshment and persimmon beer will be given any one for the asking. NOTICE Will the freshman who received the $5.00 ( ? ? ? ?) from Miss Kitty Minus please deliver the same to Gene Stone Immediately. This, money was bor rowed by Miss Minus to go to the Citadel dance. Stone owes Dodie Mc Dow $?.50. and can't pay him until Miss Minus pays this money back. Mc Dow is considering attaching Stonte's clothes. Hurry freshmani LOST-Several hours of sleep. If found please return to 1'. P. Bussey. WANTED--Men to take "crip" course es. All courses offered by me in Physics are guaranteed to be "crips." C. F. Mercer. WANTED-An assistant to help me read postcards. Mrs. Moon. WANTED-Mcnitors for all of my Economics courses. I need help in keeping students awake. n Two million elephants couldF not do the work now being done by General Electric a motors. Whatever the work to be done, whether it needs e& the power of an elephant or the force of a man's arm, C. I there Is a General Electric motor that will do It faith. h fully for a lifetime at a cost. of a few cents an hour. 11 GENE]F Good enough for Dad good enough foi you Edgeworth . A Barber Shop One Block from University For Men and Women STATE BARBER SHOP Ground Floor State Office Building COLUMBIA, S. C. Under Management of the Palmetto Barber Shop "Elephints a-pi'in' teak, In the sludgy, squdgy creek. Where the silence 'ung that 'eavy You was 'arf afraid to speak!" -Kipfing's "Mandalay" ELEPHANTS 'he elephant is man's most intelligent helper. aut-consider this interesting comparison: Ln elephant is much larger than the electric iotor of a "yarder" or logging machine. The yarder" has the power of twenty elephants; it andles clusters of logs; it works dependably, venty-four hours at a stretch, if necessary.e wenty elephants would eat daily 10,000 pounds r green food, which a corps of attendants must ather. A motor "eats" nothing but electricity, Lipplied at the throw of a switch. 'ower used in the modern industrial world is pplied through electric motors-tireless "iron lephants" that are relegating antiquated ma bines to museums, along with such oldtime ousehold articles as wash-tubs and ordinary ons-and stuffed elephants. 201-65DH1 LAL ELECTRIC C OM PA NY. C HBE RC TADn. NB YOstvRK n