Historical Newspapers of South Carolina

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SMILES. "Do you exercise before or after your bath in the morning?" "After. I usually step on the soap when I get out of the bath tub." You remember how folks used to wine and dine before prohi bition came in. Now they sim ply dine and whine. When Mark Twain was trav eling in the West he stopped at a creamery to obtain a glass of buttermilk. "What you do with all your buttermilk?" Mark asked. "Sell most of it." "Down where I came from we feed it to the hogs',' said Mark. 5 "Well, we do, too, sometimes," replied the farmer. "Won't you have some more ?" C.i c5 '07-You are always behind in i your studies. n~ '23-Well, you see, sir, it gives me a chance to pursue them. 64 Dr. Snowden: "Yip-hip, gen tlemen ; I'm dismissing you ten minutes early today. Pass out quietly and don't wake the other classes." "Do you guarantee results in your nerve treatment?" asked the caller. "You bet I do," replied the spe cialist. "Why, last week a man came to me for nerve-treatment, and when I finished with him he tried to borrow $100 from me. "Pat," says Mike, "You're wanted at home. Yer wife's jist presented yer with a couple re bates on your income tax." "Puppy love is the beginning of a dog's life." Prof. Carson (in Physics) "What is a vacuum?" Freshman-"Ah- er-er- I have it in my head, but can't ex press it." "I got a compliment at the party last night." "What was it?" "Josephine said I was among the best looking boys there'.' "Yes, I saw you among them." -Ex. "It's nothing but a big bluff," remarked Nero as he gazed up the palisades. The Dryest Story. in the World. An Irishman and a Scotchman were standing at a bar and the Irishman had no money. eOn the phone: "Hello ! Is this the woman the lady wanted to wash tomorrow ?"-Ex. The Prof. had written on the back of a theme: "Please write more legibly." Next day-"Professor, what is that you put on my theme" Baby-I want my bottle. Mother-Keep quiet. You're just like your father.-Tar Baby. "So live, that your friends can conscientiously defend you-but never have to." LOVELY SCENE. We stood at the bars as the sun went down, Beneath the hills on a summer day. Her eyes were big, and tender, and brown, Her breath as sweet as the new mown hay. Far from the west the faint sun shine Glanced sparkling off her golden hair, Those calm deep eyes were turn ed on mine, And a look of contentment rested there. I see her bathed in the sunlight flood, I see her standing peacefully now. Peacefully standing and chewing her cud, As I rubbed her ears-that Jer sey Cow. -Ex. A COMPOSITE CAMPAIGN SPEECH. In this campain there is but one great issue, the League of Nations. With respect to this all-important subject I wish to say that my opponent is a crook, liar, thief, villain, coward, mur derer, gambler, grafter, black sheep, porch climber, cut-throat, safe cracker, bigamist, highway man, pickpocket, desperado, can nibal, second-story worker, gun man, drunkard, bandit, forger, rounder, dope fiend,, skunk, cheat, roughneck, fraud, boot legger and game fixer. Gentlemen, I think I have proved my point on the League of Notions to the satisfaction of all present. I thank you.-Yale Record. CAN YOU ANSWER? Where can a man find a cap for his knee? Or a key to the lock of his hair? Can his eyes be called an acad emy, Because there are pupils there ? What gems are found in the crown of his head ? Who travels the bridge of his nose? Can he use, when shingling the roof of his house, The nail on the end of his toes? Can the crook of his elbow be sent to jail? If so, what did it do? How d o e s he sharpen his shoulder blades? I'll be hanged if I know, do you? Can he sit in the shade of the palm of his hand ? Or beat the drum of his ear? Do the calves of his legs eat the corns on his toes? If so, why not grow corn on the ears? .-Ex. THE WHAT'S AND THE WHERE'S. Monday Nite - 7:28 - The Hod Carriers union will holds its regular rag-chewing; discussing the all-important question: Does the cement hold the bricks, or the bricks the cement? Tuesday Evening-at Dusk Somewhere between the Library and supper. The Book-Binders' Press will assemble to delve in the argument of, Can a book be judged by its cover? Wednesday - at Twilight - The Macamac Unit, commonly known as the Ponzi Trust, will discuss the new Remedy recent ly put on the market for the Itch ing Palm. Thursday-after Dusk-The French Lab will hold its semi annual conjugation, concerning the elasticity of the Paris garter. (Note-books are required.) Friday - Midnight - There will be a short, snappy pep meet ing of the African Golf members in 92 Chambers, in preparation for their Fall campaign. Saturday-Noon-A rally of the Co-Eds will be held in the book room; both members are urged to be there ; seats will be provided for all. Saturday-Nite - The Palm olive and Octagon enthusiasts will congregate in the shower room of the gym. Each is asked to bring his own utensils as a thorough cleaning up is desired. Sunday-The Bureau has re ceived no definite information as to which order has the right of way, the Out of Order or the Next in Order.-Davidson Col lege Magazine. Wingfi LOAF AT GITTMANS BOOK SH OP Harvard University DENTAL SCHOOL There is unlimited demand for s.killed deontists andi specialists in dlentistry. This school offers a most thorough and efficient training In this interesting profession. For those who wish to specialize there are courses in Oral Surgery, Ortho dontia (straightening the teeth) and other branches. Instruction by lending dlentists of Boston and vi cinity. Up-to-date equipment with unusual opportunities for practical work. A college certificate indicat lng one year's work in college Eng lish, Biology, Chemistry, as well as high school or college Physics, re qluired for admission. Write for particulars. EUGENE H. SMITH, D. M. D., Dean Bnston, Mss. "An X in Time-" We sat intertwined in a big porch-chair Like the vines which surrounded us there And her cheek flushed red As I softly said, "How old are you, Maiden Fair?" She laid her little hand in mine And over her face came a smile divine. "My father," she said With a toss of her head "Has a custom which I think fine." "When each passing year of my life has flown He gives me a dollar bill all my own. I have just sixteen And if you're very keen You'll find out how old I have grown." But her father, bursting upon the scene, Blasted my love for the dear lit tle queen For her reached in his coat And brought out a crisp note "Here's the ten-spot I owe you, Francine !" -Exchange. Paper-Back Novelties. The fair Ophelia lay sobbing on the davenport, her hair in dis array, her supple young body quivering with emotion. "Why, oh why should such a thing happen to me?" she cried. "I love him as no one else ever has-and I shall die if I cannot be with him tonight !" 1d's Dri 143 Main Stre, THE ARADE ROOM.3. ARC WANTED-our friends ar sity to know that v shp and have purchf we are prepared to Give u: LEO and ALB[ ,PROPR Have this car witht onstrated to you. You res land 4. Overland Colui R. D. LAMRF The girl's mother and father sat with bended heads and knit ted brows, steeped in misery. Suddenly the mother leapt to her feet and swallowed her chewing gum. Her triumphant cry rent the cool stillness of the evening air. "Give me your new silk hand kerchief, Sam !" she cried. "We shall make make a new dress-. My daughter shall not miss that dance tonight." Paradise. Georges gazed up at the stars and was happy. The little twink ling, glittering, revolving points of light seemed truly to "sing sweetly in their orbits" and the music, mingled with the silvery flashing of a far-auay stream filled his ears and thrilled his soul. The air was heavy with some strange sweet incense. It seemed to Georges that he was in heaven. Never before had he felt such emotion as had been aroused in him that night by the one at his side. He felt a beau tiful serene joy and smiled hap pily as he listened to the celes tial music. The little stars them selves seemed to laugh and wink at Georges and the one by his side as if they were saying: "What more do you want?" A hundred feet away a dili gent telegraph operator was clicking off the news: "Demp seys wins by a knockout."-Jack o' Lantern. Guess what Charlie did the other night up at the Baltimore Lunch. He ate off the arm of a chair: -Mugwump. ig Store BARBER HO P ApE BUILDING d the boys at the Univer ve have left the Palmetto Lsed the Arcade shop, where give the very best service. s a trial .RT MAYFIELD IETORS he wonderful records dem It as you ride in an Over-. mnbia Company