Historical Newspapers of South Carolina

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WINNSBORO, S. C., WEDNESDAY, MAY 7, 1884. Gilbert's Latest. [In Gilbert and Sullivan's new comic ope- ] ra, "The Princess Ida," the following sonj? is I sung by "Gama,"the Philanthropist King-, < who has a crooked 'eg, a club foot and a hunchback.] If you will Rive me your attention, I wili tell j t?aii m*Kof T om? Tm ajyenuine philanthropist?all other kinds , are sham. Each little fault of temper and each social defect In my erring: fellow creatures I endeavor to } correct. i To all 1 heir little weaknesses-I open people's eyes. And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise; I love my fellow creatures, I do all the good I ; can. Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable J man! And I can't think why! To compliments inflated I've a withering ! reply. And vanity I always do my best to mortify? : A charitable action I can skillfully dissect. And interested motives I'm delighted to do- { tect? I know everybody's income and what every- j body earns. And I carefully compare it with the income ; tax returns; But to benefit humanity however much I plan. | Tct everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man! And I can't think why! Tm sure I'm no ascetic, I'm as pleasant as can be; ' ** You'll always find me ready with a crushing j repartee; I've an iTitatdnfr chuckle, I've a celebrated | ?n-jer; JL VU ttix CUWiUULU.U& x yw i* ing leer; To everybody's prejudice I know a thing- or two; I can tell a "woman's age in half a minute? and I do. But, although I try to make myself as pleasant as I can. Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man! And I can't tell why! THE OLD CHART. "With all vour fine courage you i wouldn't dare to spend an hour in the ; old Grange after dark." "I would!" cried Rilla, with a flashing glance at her fair, pale cousin. "Oh, Rilla, but they say it is haunted!" faltered Bessie Sage, with a little shudder. "By rats and owls," said Rilla laughing. Miss Justine Penrvnn, the heiress and beauty and also the cousin of fearless, daring Rilla Brooks, rapidly concocted a little plot, -which should test the girl's courage, and also appease the spirit of malice and spite harbored in her own heart She had no cause to hate Rilla, but fcate ner sne aia, ana vwin venom. She had all heart could desire?or at least it seemed so?youth, beautv, fortune, and friends by the score,' while her young cousin lived in penniless obscurity. It came about in this way. Old"Captain Penryna had a son and daughter. The son married to please his father, but the daughter married to please herself, and suffered disinheritance in conscquence. She died in a few years, leaving a baoy daughter, and a pleading pitiful letter to her father, who read it with tears in his eves, and who forthwith took charge of the little girl?a browneyed, dainty sprite, who made the old Grange merry with her childish laugh * ter and pattering childish feet. _ ffrr^,a^T'Tnn was . .dcKJineiTfooutliveall his family,for his n ~son also died, leaving one daughter, so he had only two grandchildren to inherit his wealth, and he made a new will, dividing ibe- ~p?opcrtj-cquaHy"pe-_ ~ tween them. Two years before our story opens, he died very suddenly; bat when Lawyer . Sage searched for the latter will, lo! it I had vanished. He was astounded; he went through his old friend's private papers again and again, but no will appeared, ex cept the one leaving an to nis son aau his heirs, for ever. "Perhaps he hid it," mused the puzzled lawyer- "I remember, just before he died, he pointed towards that chart and tried to speak. I will examine it" And he took down the heavy chart, and shook it, and looked behind it, but only the blank wall met his view. I So he read the old will, after an elaborate explanation to the assembled friends and relatives, and Justine listened with secret exultation, ana Killa with some pain and bewilderment. Miss Penrynn returned tc town without offering even a small portion of the r estate to her cousin. "A mean, heartless, stingy thing!" cried Bessie indignantly. And her father secretly agreed with her. He could not see pretty impulsive Rilla turned adrift on the "world, and took her home with him, to finish her education with Bessie and to help teach 1 \ the younger children. She had lived a quiet, busy, happy life there until Paul Daverant?hand ? - "Ortt-i"! rtnTnn nr?f fA j 1 SOIilU, UVllVLiai.*iJ.b x aui muv v~./ -tho village to spend the summer bunting and fishing" It was by the doctor's orders be sought tbe healthy qaiet of country life, and after making acquaintance I with Lawyer Sage's family, be ceased i to groan over tbe dullness of his existence. He had not been in Hartwell more than a month, when Miss Penrvnn came down for a few days. She wished to consult dear Mr. Sage ^ about some investments, and she coolly annonnced that she would stop with them, and her Paris finery and finished worldly graces quite overshadowed Bessie and Rilla. The few days had lengthened into three weeks, and they had been weeks of torture to poor Rilla, for she had k* +/-k orirtriro linlf-troiloil ta.lHltS. and catting -malicious stabs, from the velvet-tongued heiress, but her jsoor passionate heart suffered aSTSgonj oT jealousy Just'ne s/spped in between her and Paol I aversnt r Sho 3lairo 3d his attention almost as a rights anr., with a fine assumption of Ik careless Indifference, he allowed her to Perhaps it amused him, perhaps it pleased him; Billa thought the latter, & and blushed scarlet with shame and indignation to think that she had given her heart to a man who cared nothing j y for it L She grew cold in her manner towards ! V him, and avoided his society so per- j A sistently he must have noticed it, j A Rnf crio w<ic I UlOUgTl uu rnauu uu aigii. .., miserable and half-reckless, and rather | fancied the idea of spending a night at I k the lonely old Grange, which had not ! been inhabited since the captain's j i| death. Perhaps it was haunted, as some of , B the .ignorant country people said, and ; 9 perhaps something would happen to ; K nor, and then she would never have the SS.IH Justine, after a fewj mmuter thought. ! We can leavo-yon as-we go on to the I || partyv 'snd* writ as we return.>v "ButMrs. W?&ams-saH she wanted : Billa to, be" sure and. come; and then, I 0 want tojer^<y tfe^paa^. ^ K "Nonseitsef: ft is saro to Ifc a dull W affair: and then, Mr. Da veran t Has gone to tie e&y 4fc-day. Oar 4ear RiHa 1 would not enjoy it unless " "I am sure you are altogether mistaken; but I care nothing for the party, and?yes, I will stay at the Grange tonight" T?;iu, r1/~vn't?momma will hft Cft angry," pleaded distressed Bessie. "She must not know it until afterwards, and then it will only be a joke,1' said Justine. "After all, Rilla's heart will fail her when the time comes." "Xot so; it is made of tougher material than that," said the girl coldly. "Is it? I thought it was rather soft -j " SUIU VV ^u,rv. "Did you? That proves that even you can make mistakes sometimes." And Rilla met her cousin's mocking eyes steadily. That evening, Miss Penrynn held quite a conversation with her maid?a conversation made up of terrified protests on one side, and threats on tho other. "Oh, I dare not!" sighed the'woman, clasping her hands. "Then consider vourself dismissed from my service," said the mistress coldly. And then, to save her situation, she submitted Rilla put on her white party dress, fastened some superb crimson roses on her breast and in her hair, and with her deep dark eyes, her fresh delicate color, and piquant face, I am not sure that she did not look lovelier than hep cousin with all her laces and glittering jewels. The Grange was a mile from Hartwell, and Bessie almost wept when Rilla sprang out of the carriage before the lonaly^gate; and Bertie'Wilford, TJacp'a'o 11 fill tuvii cowl o auu o iv ? 9 uovu ?**-?. his powers of persuasion to change her mind. But under the amused glitter of Justine's eyes, she remained firm, and waving the hall-door key at them in farewell, she flitted up the leaf-strewn walk to the dark, desolate old house. A slight shiver crept over her as the hall-door swung open with a noisy creak of its rusty hinges, and a gust of damp ill-smelling air rushed out; but lighting a bit of candle she had brought with her, she mounted the stairs to her grandfather's room. Most of the furniture had been re moved, but the old man s armchair still stood by the window, and the chart hung on the wall opposite. Rilla did not feel afraid, but rather sorrowful. "Poor grandpa! you intended to provide for me," she said, aiid patted the chair. Then she opened the window, and sat down by it to keep her long vigil. * The hours passed, and for all her heartache she grew drowsy, and sleep was stealing upon her, when a soft stealthv footfall echoed from the stairs. She was sitting erect and wide awako in an instant She listened breathlessly. Yes, the steps were coming upstairs, and along the hall. She could hear the rustle of drapery, and then the door swung open, and braeingjisr-self, she looked to see who ?rwSat it was. The sight was enough to try stouter nerves than a vounz srirl's. Rilla felt an ic}' thrill rush over her, j and she caught hold of the chair-back i for support, -when-saw roe iairj rocereoi5rm sCfruUng motionless in the doorway, but she was at bay, and after the first moment of terror, she found her voice. "Who arc you? and what do you want?" Miss Justine had not provided for that question, not crediting her cousin with courage enough to ask it, but an answer was not needed. A great owl had taken up his abode in the hall, and disturbed by the unusual sounds, and the flicker of candlelight, he gave one awful hoot, and flapping his wings, swooped down over the head of the ghost into the room. It was more than the waiting-maid could bear. "Oh, Lord, Miss Rilla, what is it?" she shrieked; and tearing her ghostly raiment off, fled to the girl for protection. It was a case of "run, black devil, 1- '' o offAT* vn WIUU2 UCVIJL ^Abv;u jVU, UUU rtitUi A.Wcovering from her astonishment, Rilla laughed aloud. "Sarah, what does this mean?" "Miss Justine made me do it Dcta't ?don't let the thing touch me? I didn't want to do it!" But after knocking down the chart, which fell with a crash, and upsetting the candle, the owl flew out at the window and vanished. Rilla soothed her terrified companion, relit the candle, and then essayed to pick up the broken chart But the frame fell to pieces, and out from the back ?f it rolled a bundle of papers. mm*** Meanwhile, all went merry as a marriage-bell at the party. Bessie loft it to Justine to make excuses for Rilla, and that young lady did so with the best grace in the world, and then she danced and flirted as though sue nau not a. uui? uu uci miuu. J3ut timid Bessie suffered a cruel anxiety, and she drew a breath of relief when, late in the evening, Paul Paver ant entered the room. He glanced slowly around, and a shade of disappointment crossed his handsome face. "Where is Rilla. Miss Sage?" he in quired as soon as tie readied isessze. That question loosened Bessie's ?ngue, and she poured out the whole .?ory to the gentleman, who listened with a quietness the gathering fire in his eyes belied. He glanced at his watch. "It is time the joke ended. If you are ready, we will go on together. If not " "Oh yes, I am glad to go. Call Bertie, and I will speak to Miss Penrynn." Justine smiled disagreeably, but thinking that it would not do to go too far, she made no objection to an early donortnro Ivnt rrn vf ho.r version of the uV|/?*wv.4v, ~ ?- ?5 ? - * little joke, and all called Rilla a silly child for taking any one- so literally. The others listened in silence, and Bessie clasped her hands and strained her eyes through the gloom to catch the first sight of the Grange, but thero was a keener pair of eyes watching, also, and the horses had hardly been ? vr-lin-l UaWr. I yuiivu. uy ant dashed open the carriage-door and sprang out All his careless indifference, his languid nonchalance, fell from him under * --- - * 9 ?j me pressure 01 iear anu aiiAiuiy. He entered the empty echoing house. He mounted the stairs two at a time, softly yet clearly calling: 4'Rilla, Rilla!" She met him at the doorway of her grandfather's bedroom, flushed but radiant, and safe and unharmed. "Rilla love!" he cried, and snatched her to his breast with hurried passionate words of love. "Is it true? Do you really care for me?" she said in a sort of glad wonder. "So well if you bad ooine to Harm this night my pcace and joy would have been for ever destroyed," he said, bending his lips to hez*s. In her happiness she could afford to be charitable, and she explained the presence of the waiting-maid with as little blame to her cousin as possible, and then came a brief account of the foil r>f tVir> and lriadin<r him near ' the candle, she held a folded paper out j to him to examine. "What is it?" he inquired, struck by j some subtle change in hor. "Grandpa's last will, hidden in the j back of that frame. Oh, Paul, you j loved me without the money, but I am j glad your wife will not come to you i penniless." "Let. her come as she may, she will j always be my best beloved, my dear- j Anf '1 coiH \xnf.V? n-rnncc UV Ab4A VVUVkV* uvuo* "After all, malice can overreach itI self," he continued, as they went down j stairs hand in hand, the frightened maid closely following. "If your cousin had left you in peace the will might never have been found." And so'she thought, railing bitterly against herself and all the world, when made to comprehend what had occurred. As for Lawyer Sage, ho rubbed his hands and said: "I knew he could not have destroyed the will, and I always felt that the old chart had something to do with it." The American Sight-Seer. "xes, sir, said tne American minionnaire, as he consulted the bill of fare in a Parisian cafe, "I delight in travel. ; When I was a boy working for $2 a . week, lused to think what a grand thing . it would be if I had money and could travel all over the world. I resolved 1 them tVmf: if oror T rioh T wnnlfi 1 see the noted places of the earth. Well, I mado money, and here I am at j Paree on my tour of observation. When an American citizen, 3ir, gets the travel fever on him his country, big as it is, is too small to hold him." 1 "Yees, your country ees a big coun- ! try," said his French acquaintance who 1 sat opposite to him. "Big country," exclaimed the Amer- ! ican, striking the table with his . hand. "It is the biggest country in the world." "I've been there," said the Frenchman; "it is full of wonderful sights, ' Niagara, for instance." "Sever saw it," said the American; * "never had time to visit it." "An ze Yosemito valley," continued the Frenchman. "Never had a chance to go there," said the American. "And ze Yellowstone Park.'1 , "Heard lots about it, but never . could find time to visit it" j "And ze Mammoth "Cave, of Ken- * tucky." "Blamed if I ever thought of visiting that1' I P?Keo^iOc nf TO TTn^eAn 51 A. UJ.UUUVO WX iJk UUOviX "Whew! did intend to see them, but always had so much to look after, you . know, and?" "And the scenery, magnifique at ze White Mountains?" , "Never could iind time to tako a trip up there, by gosh." "Of course you have seen ze Thousand Islands, and zc rapids of ze St n r . T n r r*n ? i^awrunce, juatze \sa&m- ?H -jSBteanlifnl ,r>la?*?>.&'-? -> -5 "Xcr^*. -2 ritur; to visit any of those J places. Always had too much busi- ' ness on hand." 'Why come to see ze tame scenery i of Europe when you haven't seen ze j. grand scenery and ze wonders of your own country?" ^ "Because Fm a dinged fool. "I'll ^ go right home on the next boat A ^oon'f on-rr ^firrhor AftCt. JLLlifcU. ? iJLV UAOU V UV/VU wuj AMAWMV* VMV. than Swampscott, nor anyfnrther west than North Adams, in his own country, ? has no business in Europe.?Somerville ^ Journal. _ % t The Negro as a Gossip. jj1 The principal reason why'papers v edited and conducted exclusively:by c colore'd men and exclusively for the socalled benefit of the colored race have generally met with bad luck, and been r so short lived, is that the negro has no need of a newspaper. 1 He is a born gossip, a natural newsgatherer, and whatever he may chance to see or hear is at once scattered to c the four winds of heaven, through the medium of such of his own race" as he c mav happen to meet ^ A hasty telling, a picturesque embellishment, and away go the self-ap- 1 pointed couriers, happy in the possession of a bit of news that insures them a hearty welcome everywhere, and invests them with a dignity they could j not otherwise hope to oDtam. Nothing pleases the negro better than ( a chance to talk, whether it be pulpit, cornfield, street corner, or any other place where two or three of his race 3 are gathered together. J Tell him something important, and 1 in less than twenty-four hours his J neighbors for forty miles around have ( heard all about it, decorated with weird brilliancy of meaning the various 1 passages it has traversed. No matter where the negro may be or in what occupation engaged, if he can have some 1 one to talk to he is perfectly happy, j and evolves a quantity of wisdom, ludi crous and otherwise, that would make ^ old Col. Piato, of the Athenian cavalry, ' turn pale with envy. 1 The negro is a gregarious animal also, and for him solitude has abso- 1 lutely not a single charm. He will at anv time walk, ten miles for company's "sake, and a chance to : air his social, political or religious opinions is considered by him a greater : favor than a glass of whisky with white sugar thrown in. 1 He don't like to be forced to com- : mune with himself, at least not till he gets to be a hundred years old; prefers '< stewed rabbit to a. reverie and religiously believes that in the multitude.of 1 counselors there is safety. Of the ten measures of talk that are supposed to have been thrown from heaven the negro got nine, and he makes constant use of them on each -SKU ?ocmr, ? TTnvnil. snu eveI^J, pvaoiwxu wuwiuu.?. ton Jay in Detroit Free Press. I heard a group of little folks chat?: '<H>"V nnt Innor turn anfl ?.v wv-H i.--v . boasting of tiio u.ii-:r.rit occupations of their respective paternal relations, t Said one small youth, "My papa is smarter'n yours, 'cause he's a lawyer.1' "No; my papa is the best, 'cause he's a senator and a lieutenant-colonel." "Not much he ain't; my papa is better'n all;?he's a pall bearer."?San Francisco Report. "One Good Turn, etc"?A.: "The tailor you recommended to me is a regular scamp. I gave the fellow my ulster to repair and he has gone and pawned it" B.: "Ah, well, but you see, my dear sir, he has redeemed my coat instead?that is just the reason why I rccommcnded that tailor. Now you had better go and recommend him to somebody else, and it won't be long before you get your ulster back again?Flicgende Blatter. m __ GEX. GORDON'S HABITS. Personal Appearance and Characteristics of the British Hero. Mr. William Carroll, who has been abroad since last May, returned to this citv vesterdav. At Brussels. Mr. Car roll met Gen. "Chinese" Gordon, now on his way to Khartoum, and had several long talks with him relative to the affairs of Ireland, Egypt and Turkey. Said Mr. Carroll: "lwas with General Gordon when he received the dispatch from the English government instruct- ! ing him to mako preparations for his de- I parture to Egypt. It was on the after- ! noon of Thursday, Jan. 17, while we 1 were dining together. The waiter \ handed him the dispatch, and thinking ! it contained important news, I watched the expression of his face but it did not change, and when he had finished reading it he looked calmly up and said: "I have instructions to leave at fnr TTorrmt " Dinrtor w<L? finicTiPf? in^B lence, but later in the evening we ta!$H ed for hours on the subject." 'w "What sort of looking man is Gen. ^ Gordon?" Risked the reporter. "He has a pair of bright, sparkling eyes, and in many things he reminds me of Gen. Agnus. He has a small black mustache, but he keeps the balance of his face scrupulously clean. By ^ AM /I his geuei'su appear jvu >yuiuu ta&g him to be a man in the ordinary walks of life, and not the great general that he is. A good joke he relishes very much although he never visits the theatre, and he is happiest when relieving from want some poor but deserving person. When in London he is constantly visiting the slums, spending his money and doing all in his power to alleviate the sufferings of the poor." ' "Was his visit to Belgium in connection with the proposed expedition to the Congo region?" "Yes, he had several interviews with the King, in which he accepted the mission to go to the Congo region to try j 1 -1 4. j ^ -4 4.1 4. &uu urea*, up tuo siurvu trout? ml mau place, as ho had an utter abhorrence of slavery, and has often spoken to me of Dur martyred President Lincoln, who tie said should have a monument in the hearts of all true men for having freed the colored race. He had tendered his resignation as an officer in the British irmy, in which he has served for thirty-two years, in order to go to the Con?0 region, but tho government would lot accept it. He received his orders .ike any true soldier, and left me the lAvt mornincr tn crrt to London, and ;hence to Egypt. He could not help regretting his inability to make the ixpedition to the Congo region at once, duJ; contented himself by saying that le would have an opportunity of doing >o upon his-'return from his present nission, if, as-he said, he did not leave lis bones to bleach upon the Egyptian )lains." "Did he fear the trip to Egypt?" "Not at all, but he said his death vas among the possibilities at any ime." "Will he ever visit this country?" "Jtiis greatest ambition is to come to America, which he purposes doing rithin the next two or three years. He erms this the country of enterprise, .nd he says our newspapers are the ;reatest in the world. Speaking to me S^why^on^t some of your rich men ike Vanderbilt or Astor appropriate ay $1,000,000 for the abolition of slavry in Congo? It could be done with his amount of money, and I would do t. The credit of the emancipation rould rest with the donor of the money i i n. _ * 4/% ,Eta W01HCL De iuruver U. uwuuuciib is memory." "Does the General go into societyF' "No, he does not care much for disilay and is very temperate. The Prince f Wales sent for him one day, asking im to breakfast with him. He replied hat if the prince wanted to talk bnsitess and smoke a cigarette with him or half an hour he would be glad to isit him, if not he would have to detline the pleasure." "Does he read yery much?" 4'He read3 nothing but the newspa>ers."?Baltimore American. Sans Yager's Opinion of Matrimony. "Well, Mr. Yager, what do you think >f matrimony, anyway?" "Vat i dink fon it 'ennyvay?' Ouf I Knlr fnn it. pnnwav T dink fon it pnny ray, hain't it?" "I mean what do you think of matrinony?" "Vat vas dose?" "The marriedlife, you know." "Ugh! You bet mein schweea me 1 mow. Dot peen a humbugger pisiness. Dot peen a scheat und a pird drap to ;atch fellers mit." "Then you didn't marry happily." "Oh, yes; to peen schure I married ne dot vay. Dot's vat der madder vas nit dot pisness. Dem honey-moon scheese weeks I vas more habby in as i hundert und feunfty year dereafder, 3uf I lif me dot long." "Yes, but I think the married life, take it all in all, is the happier life of ihe two." "No-sir-e, Bop. Ouf a mans him ion'd got married, him peen his own' boss; him don'd ho droubles got mit his frau unci dem senmern. una ubu took: Him bring dem schillern on dot rorld, vhat for? Fur to got droubles 3chust der same like him got" - * e?iiM "Ui course no one is peneuuy in this world, Mr. Yager; but I will venture to say that if your wife was to leave you, you would feel very lonely and unhappy." "I know me dot. Ouf I gone me home uud him peen der house oud dwo hour, I valk me und look me all dor dime 'roundt fur him und feels so by - ? - .. i n meinself X don'd gan'd noamgs eaa. "Sec! Sbyou woulden't like to be single again.'* 4'No. Bud how gomes dot? Oof I don'd got me married vhen I peen a young feller dot don'd beendere, hain't it? I dinks it vas patter ouf a mans him got him married.to fighd der ding drough; aber ouf him don'd got married it vas petter fur dot sehulern vat don'd vas got porned yit to schtop midoud marry. Dot safe droubles in dot vorld und all der older vorlds, und don'd it forgot you."?Kentucky State. Journal. The world is chock full of incongrui ties. There is, for instance, the big bearded man with a voice like the Bull of Bashan. He comes before the audience and sings "I Fear No Foe" in bravura style, and in a way that drops bits of plaster from the ceiling. And in j two hours thereafter that man will be foing up-stairs in Ms stocking feet lest e wake a 110-pound wife. And next morning he gets up meekly and kind les tiiree nres.?ruisoury ieiegrupn~ Chronicle. An etymological authority says that "zampilarotationist" is the proper namo* to apply to a roller skater. It certainly looks a good deal like that when you get a fellow started who ''nflOTi'f o-rnrrtlv rinderstan'd the busi UWDM i ?? ? ? naaa. .... - . > A Mouse in the Room. "My dear!" exclaimed Mrs. Spoopendyke, as she backed into the corner itnd stuck her head straight out in [front of her. "My dear," there's a ! mouse! what are we going to do?" "I should judge from the width of [your mouth that one of us was going: to ieat him!" replied Mr. Spoopendyke, j springing from his chair and grasping i Jus cane. "Where is he? Show him i to me!" and Mr. Spoopendyke rattled around under the bed with his stick and then charged on the table. "Haven't ye got any more arms you can suck out in ainercnt airecuons so as 10 give the approximate locality of that mouse?" ' -"There he is!" yelled Mrs. Spoopen- j fnmintr her fane to the corner and rafting a desperate effort to climb u|>*the wall. ' Don't you see himP Hocan^tell his sex from where P^h^Tgjpcst be^close by or dodfowled Mr. SpoopenK^^roe^oand -the^roonr and Bjg^B^eene on^higL "Coino fiff'the pfcrapef-of this castle and fuail meagamfct the enemy, will ye? of >ia?e J got-to go out and borrow a directory to find him? Where'd you see any mouse, anyhow?^." . . t Anyhow!" squealed ,Mrs. "Spoopendyke, looking- around cautiously and then springingintb. a chair. "Call a -policeman! Don't go near him! We'll all be murdered in our beds!" ; "Look -here!" roared Mr.. Spoopendvke, who had added a boot to his arijSKment "Letm<* Smelly our'breath. What hayA ^^^een-drinking lately? Going to giye-Tue sorno adequate idea ci-tne-. haunts 01 jnat mouse." wnere is heH,r: and: -Mr. Spoopendyke whirled around-arid smote right &nd left with W implements*. - V.'H&s he got a doorplate on hisT^aadeaic? toiud icatewhere |iB lives?-to sitrtipin that chair like alcog on a float until that mouse i^SMsards' .to show, wEerC he /transacts his business? If ye "can't talk out Jifi- 'Ti'mnf ^nnv ."mooclir fin ger atiim,' wilt ye?" :- -"Can't you- see lion?" .gargled Mrs. Spoopendy&e, "to wfcese^istorted ima gmataoii the m<>nse fafe^iheWhole room and lapped over. T^'erei heis!. OwW-w! Here-he comesJ There he goes! Whe-e-e*?^ . Mr. Spoopehdyke made a lunge in the direction- indicated by his wife's itonv srlare of horror, ?ot the cane be reenhis legs and rolled tumultuonsly the closet .. "Do I give the impression of having got him? he yelled, as he looked out and saw his wife sliding up the back of the chair, like a reversed avalanche. "Does the view from your mountain fastness appear to detect the crown of success on the head of this campaign asrainst that dod-gasted mouse? Bring me twelve baskets for the fragments!*"*" and Mr. Spoopendyke bounded out of the closet and fired his boot through the mirror. "Got any more mice anxious to undergo the brief excitement of annihilation! Where?" ' There he goes! Ho-o-o-e-e-e!" interrupted Mrs. Spoopendyke, with a prolonged shriek. i Mr. Spoopendyko looked around Tiim with dazed eyes and spied the mouse ' r the first time. . < for the corner. "WhaTIsTBis TsWtjh1- -1 fore me, with his tail toward me? Now ' watch the triumph of genius over the : activity of vermin!" and he banged his head against the wall as the mouse 1 darted between his feet 1 "He's climbing up the chair! Take 1 him out! Scald him! Burglars!" piped Mrs. Spoopendyke, with her knees in her neck and her hair on encL "What's the matter up there?" demanded Mr. Spoopendyke, wrenching himself into a sitting position and contemplating his wife with an expression scarcely indicative of admiration. "What re you doing up there a thousand feet above the level of the sea, anyway? Got some kind of a notion i that you're a fancy sunset, haven't youP Well, you don't? Hi, there! Got you now, have I?" and he made a dive under his wife's chair after the mouse. "Got some kind of a scientific impression that his combination of mercantile intelligence, known to the bank ? ? ? J??,* 4-rv ralia/1 nn &s opoupeiiuj is>i?l o w uv w~ as a phenomenon in the role of amateur rat trap, haven't you?" and Mr. Spoopendyke gave a vicious jab at the mouse with a stick and found him stuck under the chair. "I3 he dead?" asked Mrs. Spoopendyke, watching the gyration of her husband's limbs with pronounced solicitude. "Get up!" howled Mr. Spoopendyke, trying to extricate himseli "Pull off this measly chair before I convert it into tracts and begin to disseminate it among the clamoring heathen! Hear me! Get?!" and with a mighty effort, Mr. Spoopendyke upset the chair, * bringing his wife dowu un him like a bundle, while the mouse went up the chimney. "That what ye wanted?" he demanded as Mrs. Spoopendyke struggled to her feet and looked around for the foe. "Think you've accomplished your dod-gasted design on things? Got through with your <*:u\iiquake, or was this only a rehearsal?" "Did you hurt vourself. dear?" asked Mrs. Spoopendyke, still dreading the reappearance of the mouse. "You did splendidly. I really think you hav8 scared him away for good." "Do, do ye?" grinned Mr. Spoopendyke, with a horribly pleasant expression of visage. "Had time since it happened to think it all over, haven't ye? With your celerity of thought add ability to fmnart what vou know, vou only ?J r w _ want a tin stair-case inside of you and a fire-flv in your fist to be a dod-gasted Bartholdi Statue of measly Liberty enlightening the world! Tbe next time you see a mouse around these premises, you get up and sit on him until Iget ready to commence. You hoar?" And with this verbal letter of instruction, Mr. Spoopendyko projected himself inA ~ ?La ?1-*?*- ?-?.! +5 1 r\A O TTTQ T7 U) HIS HIglll blliri/ auu muu w?t wj between the sheets. "I don't care," murmured Mrs. Spoopendyke, scrutinizing herself in the glass and wondering if she was too old to wear her hair banged. "I don't care. I know they bite, becausc if they didn't, how could they scare folks so? and pondering on the impregnaI V.;ivHr rtf thio flrommftllt Mrs. SDOODen v- 0 , . dyke pushed a table against the chim- I ney, so the mouse couldn't get back into J the room, and sank luto a blissful | dresmofthe Utopian periods when the backs-of chairs would be mads broad enough for.women to walk on when threatened with invasion by the predatory .rodent?Stanley Hunttey in Drate^Trwetters1 Magazine. Wrs* -n*3-fcp?"Hato'tou anv court plaster^-Second:-party" (a druggist) ?"Noi bnt here's some sticking plaster. T Tousee, we have no royaffamily consequently' no ejsitic arti^e or go^ some^3^re- ?!?e.1' ?Oil City Blizzard. / t THE CHINESE ARMY. A Motley Aggregation of Thieves and Beggars.?Un-uniformed | and El-Armed. A correspondent of the Allgemeine Zeitung gives the following account of the Chinese army. The army is divided into four catagories?the landers or Putney, the infantry or Yang-tzianDoj, the cavalry or Mma-Doj, the artillery or San-Doi. The Tsien-sinsr is a battalion of a thousand men?infantry ?subdivided into twenty companies of fiftv men each. The smallest fraction is called schanquan, and consists of ten men, under the command of an inferior : officer -who receives as pay 6 shillings I and 3 pence amonth; the commander re| ceiving ?22 10s. A brigade consists of ' from five to ten of such battalions, and the commander is- paid ?31 7s 6d a month. In order to exist with such a nominal salary, both lower and higher aIooo AfflAOM oro svhli/vA/? VAtitOO VAMVV4IJ ML V VV MM I V *W~ course to exactions, and frequently to theft and violence. The Chinese solder is therefore ascourgeto h? country, andis generally avoided. When tie troops march or have to be quartered, the people look upon it as a calamity;-towns and fields are indiscriminately plundered, and'the approach of the army is sufficient to put the inhabitants of a town to flight, who carry with them all their portable property Men who belong to the caste of tne Mandshu are regarded as the soldiers. Their maintenance is provided -for by the emperor. Other castes can only enter the army through influential recommendation. The physical condition of the Mandshu soldiers is not much taken into account, so that there is an important average of the crippled and maimed in the army. Great numbers are absent on arbitrary leave, and thereby the effective strength is much reduced. Soldiers completely unfit for service often-receive an imperial permit to beg.' The Chinese soldier is not bound to his flag, nor by any oath of fidelity: in time of peace he is at libertv to return home. A regulation-uniform scarcely exists. The military outfit principally consists of a sky-blue woolen blouse trimmed with fur; on the chest and back of this garment are sewed two white disks on which are written the words "soldief" or "artillery." The rest of the costume consists nf white nant&loons. vp.rv wide and tied around the calf of the leg, silk shoes with thick card-board soles, and in summer a broad brimmed straw hat, in winter a kind of turban. In this dress a Chinese soldier can hardly be distinguished from a civilian. The arms are in a worse state, China having recently been flooded with guns of all kinds, and there prevails a most comical confusion with regard to caliber and ammunition. Col. Kreitner, an Austrian well known from his travels in China, says that one half the Chinese army is armed with the old fire-lock gun", three-fourths of the other half with old percussion guns of German,English, American and French manufacture, and the remaining: fourth with modern breech loaders. The aux iliary troops are still armed with lances, bows and arrows and clubs. For a short period the infantry were furnished with bayonets, but as many accidbenta.Iiaflnfinftd. thr. ^nlriiorg practicing, the dangerous weapon is now left safely at home. The artillery is no better provided; the old unrified cannon are?in tolerable condition, re- : quiring but little care, but the Armstrong and Krupp guns are in a deplorable state. The commander looks upon them as show pieces, and only on great occasions is a snot nrea against a target, the soldiers hissing and hooting whenever a miss*occurs. The men who serve the gun are ill-taught and too numerous. Four clean the piece, six carry ammunition, two point the gun according to the directions from an officer, ana commands are issued in English, German or French, according to the nationality of the instructor. The ' 1 1 , DarraCKS are snapeiesa uunuujgo, uivw in the towns bearing the inscription, "Beware! Keep off! Here live soldiers." There are no proper regulations. A gun is fired in the morning, but the Chinese soldier generally refuses to be disturbed, and only commences to drill in the afternoon. Batches of ten or fifteen men mess together at the hours most convenient to them. Officers who do not belong to the Mandshu caste are ranked below V?a servants. havin<r to DaSS an examination, which is not required of the others. The superior officers have a bad name. They impose ransoms and encourage plunder, often appearing at parade in a tipsy state, and, if in want, sometimes sell the arms of a whole company, which has then to go through the exercise, using bamboo sticks. The officers go unarmed in time of peace. Discipline and order are almost unknown. While marching the soldiers choose what road suits them best, and **- * - ?1J ram air* t/u lb 13 btUUULLl mat xnujr uu&im ivuimiu gether. The arsenal near Shanghai is directed by a German soldier named Brettschneider, and produces about ten Remington rifles a day. He Didn't Believe It. A private banker in a town in Wisconsin received a call a few days ago from a stranger, who deposited $10, and then turned around and asked the banker for a loan of fifty. "Why, sir, I can't lend you any money," replied the banker. "I think you can. Please take time for reflection." "I don't want to reflect upon the subject, sir." "Would a run on this bank damage you $50 worth?" "There will be no run here." "Suppose there was?" "It is too absurd to suppose. Good day, sir." The stranger walked out doors, and the bank closed for the day. He en- j entered a grocery and stated that he was a depositor, and asked if the bank | was sound. He entered a dry goods store ana mquireu u iuc uuu uuu might not pinch the bank. He entered a drug store and offered his certificate of deposit for $5. He met a lawyer and inquired if a receiver had been appointed to look out for the interests of depositors. Next morning he was at the door of the bank, gesticulating and lamenting, 3nd behind him were seventy-five or eighty citizens. Before noon the bank was cleaned out and its doors closed, and an exprivate banker was skipping out to * TTTsm 11 avoid Deing lyncnea.? rruw. uwi** News. "Our girls may have large feet," exclaimed a St. Louis belle, while conversing with a Chicago damsel, "but we are not oOiigea 10 ram uu* w? m when sitting for a photograph, in order that they may not appear in the picture." Chicago hasn't filed *ier reply yet.?TorJcers Statesman. Till He Killed His Pig. Lawyer V , who can tell a story as well as any man living, was urged to relate one of his experiences. "Well," said he, "when I was a vnnnof man n.nrf hnri inst nfissflri mv examination, and been admitted, I hadn't much money. I made up my mind to get to work at once and not to run in debt. The first question was, Where should I hang out my shingle? After a good deal of consideration, I made up my mind to visit the town of S?? and see what chance there was for a young lawyer there. As I trudged along, I drew near to apparently "the onlv hotel in the dace. A man in his shirt sleeves was seated in the chair outside the hotel. The chair was tilted against the wall, and the man was smoking a short pipe. "'This is the hotel,' I believe,1 I said. " 'Yes,1 said the man, blowing out a cloud of smoke. " 'Where can I find the. proprietor?' I asked** m mon * nroa c> ar?trrrr^y A IM VUV UiaU) TT OHS MiV itUOTTM* " 'Well,* said X, Tm a young lawyer and I cams here to see whether there was an opening.' " 'I guess there is,' the landlord said: 'a lively young fellow that will act square and not charge over much will get along here, I rcckon.' 44 "Glad to uoar it,' said I, adding, 4I should waut a room and board at a moderate rate.' 44 4There's a room tight upstairs on the first floor,' said the landlord; 'there it is (pointing with his pipe to the window); go right upstairs and look at it.' 44 'But about the price?' I asked. " 'CjO up and loos at it,' the landlord said, and we'll talk about the price afterward.' "I went up and saw the room. It was small and scantily furnished, but it would do. When I came down the landlord asked me how I liked it, and I said it would suit " 'Bat how about the price for room and board?' I asked. " 'We'll settle that after you've got fairly started,' said he. "I insisted, however, that it should be settled at once, and at length the landlord said, 'Will two dollars and a half a week meet your view?' You may be sure it did, and the bargain was made. Well, I hung out my shingle and sat down at a small table spread with paper, a few law books and pen and ink to wait for clients. After waiting two or three days, a knock came to my door and 1 said, 'Come in.' Business at last, 1 thought to myself. The door opened and a shock-headed, roughly clad man entered. " 'Is the lahyer in?' he asked, in an unmistakable Irish brogue. '"I'm the man,' I said; 'come in and j sit down,' and I offered a place on mv trunk as I bad not a sccond chair. He came forward, sat on the edge of the \ trunk, and nervously fingered his battered hat. After a few questions I j found out what he wanted and that he . had a good case, and I told him so." j " 'And what shall I have to pay you?' he asked. " 'Never mind that now,' said I; we'll settle that when I've won yonr ( ooeo frvr trnn ' "] " 'Yot^re moighty kind,' he said, ' yi"11 " tJ i iii-- f, i of twinty-foive cints till I kill me pig?' 1 "This might have disheartened some new beginners, but it didn't me. I J lent him the twenty-five cents and won < his case for him. He became a pros- I perous man and was my client till the < last, ana Drougnt oiner clients w uoou ? Machine Guns in War. ' The announcement that an Ameri can officer has received permission to inspect the British machine guns at , Woolwich has called attention to their , advantages and disadvantages in war. A writer to the Pall Mall Gazette, thus j criticises the employment of machine guns on the field of battle: "If the range is correct and the mark remains steady great execution will bo done, ( but the slightest error will throw every bullet out, except at short range. Thus the French found that their attempts with the mitrailleuse, even at Sw^h short distance as 1,200 yards, were per- fectly futile, and that their new weapon had not the slightest chance against the field artillery of that time. Since then the lierman neia artillery has more than doubled its efficiency. Against their shrapnel thrown with the present high velocities the metrailieuse would have less chance than ever. The reply of the German army to the question, 'What is the place of the machine gun in the field of battle?' Jias been, *it nas no piace, auu wu?ir ever additional men and horses can be given should be devoted to increasing the field artillery.' According machine guns have not been introduced for the field, but the field artillery has been largely increased in proportion to the other arms. Exactly the same course has ' ? ^ J 1? been pursued oy tne rrencn auu uy every other great continental power. None have adopted machine guns for the field; all have increased and developed their field artillery. When we remember that France, Germany, Austria, Turkey, Russia, have all lately passed through the furnace of war, and had most of their crotchety dross burned out of them, their unanimous opinion ought surely to outweigh the theoretical ideas of a few partisans who still cling to the notion of finding in the machine gun a weapon worth the cost of the men and horses required for its use. They admit that it cannot face field artillery at artillery ranges; that its projectiles have no power whatever against the walls of v...:i jnv, nortliwftrl-s Vint. thr>v he ; UUUUlLLgO vi VM4m<iV4MkV) j ? lieve that, when two hostile bodies of i infantry are closing, the machine guns can be brought from cover, where they have remained till then, and will exercise a great influence over the result of the combat No doubt they would in such a case, provided the infantry light happened to be where they could go." Health fulucss of Countries. A clear example of the ease with which some writers may be misled by perfectly sound statistics is shown in the following: Dr. Guy, the English statistician, calculated with reason that the actual mean age at death, which is twenty-nine years in England, is only twenty years in America. A careless writer at once made up his mind that America was a very unhealthy place to live in, as compared with England, and it was necessary to inform him that tho mean age at death depends upon the nmnnrtinn nf anH vnnno- in a nnnn ? J 0 r-r- ' Iation, and that this varies in different places and in the same place at different times. It was also explained that the mean age of death is useless as a test of the healthfulness of trades and professions unless the age distribution of the livin<r oersons en<rarred in them I is biown. _ . . WIT AXV HUMOR. Shakspeare said: There's good in everything." William had evidently never tackled a railr>-isrestauri.nt turnover. The authoress of "Somebody's Scfrflfc* ming When the Moon Peeps forth" was the daughter of a night-cook in a ^ restaurant. A doctor says: "Kissing is a purely American habit.'' Let us remember this, dear brethren, and ever liberally patronize home industry. A perfect rush of Italian artists with their attendant original dudes is expected in America in a few days. Tho organ-grinders are to be banished from Paris. Chinese try to smuggle opium into San Francisco by cutting it into the ~T ct- _ <! 1-1. - 1 il I suxca ui tiicii saws, onaii LUU iiuittnuu be allowed to thus trample on our laws? "Yes," said the school-girl, who had risen from the lowest. to the highest position in her- dass^ 'i shall ha?3 a ?~ ?? norse-shoe for-my symbol, as it denotes naving come irom tne toot." Our bookkeeper,wbo has taken a lively interest' in this 'Egyptian business, says that the accounts are balanced thus: England?All loss and no profit. Mehdi?All prophet and no loss. It is amusing to see a lady take out her face-powder, the morning after a ball, to sprinkle on her white silk dress to cover the mud that the hackman lef: on her train when be stepped on it. Owin^ to the custom of having the!: feet tightly bandaged when younp. Chinese women do* not have to we:?r their heels in the middle of their shoes to make their pedal extremities look fl 9 small. A timid young man has married & lady whose weight verges closely upon 200 pounds. "My dear," he says' to her, "shall I help you over the fence?" jno, savs sue to nun, "xiexp tne fence!" When a servant says she is dusting a room, you know what she means. She will take a feather-brush, and make the dust fly from one article of furniture to another, without making anything cleaner. A 13-year-old girl of Amherst, Wis., i i_ 1,1 \.<ZL uoa uxiijr uiuo cjpvto vrnoici ?acc vyllcio _^ her eyes should be. We have seen ? such phenomena before, particularly after a Fourth of July, Chnstmas and elections.?Texas Siftings. A gentleman of Milesian descent was overheard describing Colonel Tngersoll as an "amethyst." This reminds one oi me man who wrote to ms mena: "Dear John: I was mistaken. He is not a Swedenborgian. He is a Norwegian." An old gentleman of 84 and his bride, aged 72, entered a railway car the Dther day and took a seat by the stove. A. youth, occupying a seat behind, says he overheard tho following: Old gentleman to his bride: "Who's a little iamb?" J5ride: "?Jofe of us." Just like mamma (rather a startler Eor fond parent, who is taHng small ihild out" to tea). Small girl: "Oh! fou haven't got my pinafore." Pa: "I lannot help that, dear; we're late already." Small girl: "Oh, dear me? it's An advertisement in a New York lewspaper that a widow will dispose )f her late husband's medical diploma rives strength to the assertion that loctors may come and doctors may go, Dut the parchments go on forever. Is * ;here anything that money will not Duy? " > A young theological student in Washngton applied for and received a place >n the laborers' roll. He was ordered. ;o do some scrubbing, but refused, on ;he ground that he only wanted some place where he would have nothing to lo but "support trie constitution" ana Iraw his pay. The Hartford Times denounces our >ld and esteemed friend codfish as a "worm-eaten fraud of the briny deep." WTien an American thus turns upon his native fodder, can we blame Bismarck for turning his back upon the firlv-tailed darling of Western fashion? ?iV. j.. uom. Advertiser. "Have yott.J^een much out this season?" asked young' Q'est of young Crimsonbeak at the clut>-~-t&e other evening. "Well, I should say tTrSd*-" replied the young blood addressed, earnestly; "I took that little Miss Ban- " Pjrhar out to a ball the other night and was out iust $40!"?Yonker States- gj man. " A gentleman who. observed Jimmie carefully taking the census of a company assembled in the parlor awaiting a call to supper, inquired; "Why," replied the urchin, with a troubled air, "here's nine of us, counting me, and mamma has gone and cut two pies into quarters, ana that only makes eight pieces." A woman who invaded West Bend. Wic gt>a tr> he the oronrietor of the town and the whole country, was declared to be crazy and taken care of by the town officials. This furnishes a precedent for locking up the railroad men who labor under the delusion that they own the earth.? Boston Globe. "Pa, am I a colonel?" asked little Annie Wallace the other evening. "Why, no, my daughter. What makes you ask that?" "Why, 'cause Ella Hughes, from Cincinnati, what's visitin' next door, told me yesterday I was a colonel, 'cause I was' born in Kentucky." "That, daughter, is Ohio ignorance. I am the only colonel in this family."?Kentucky State Journal. When the high-school girl went to Tidioute to spend a week at Thanksgiving she wrote a letter to Amy which nearly drove that young lady wild in the effort to ascertain her moaning. I: began: "My visual organs were dolignted to trace the inanimate lines of your chirography over the folioic surface." Amy is still quite sick. Happy thought: Ambitious wife of his lordly bosom: "I wish you'd go on a starring tour in America, my lovo, and take the choir with you. It would be such a success. There's no choir can touch ours, you know?and you're quite the handsomest of the English bishops!"? Punch's Almanac A few days ago a teacher in one of our up-town public schools was exercising her class in definition of words and the writing of sentences. "Deceitful," she said, "means false;1' and she told one of her scholars, a towheaded boy, to write on his slate a sen+nrina with ?'deceitful" in it. He ?VU\/V 'I *>.. ? ? ? scratched his cranium, looked at the ceiling, and then ran his pencil over the slate. "Head what you have written," said the teacher." "My ma has deceitful teeth,'1 was what he read. The teacher laughed, and the boys laughed, and they laughed so long that it was time to go home before they recovered.