THE DARLINGTON HERALD,
VOL. IV.
i .•
DARLINGTON, S. C., FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 2, tSfli
NO. 48.
1:1 i;ii>'n.Tin&;
“ The long daycloses.**
The thrushes sing in every tree ;
The shadows long and longer grew;
Broad sunbeams lie athwart the lea;
The oxen low;
Bound roof and tower the swallows slide;
And slowly, slowly sinks the sun,
At curfew-tide,
When day is done.
Sweet sleep, the night-time's fairest child
O’er all the world her pinions spreads;
Each flower, beneath her influence mild*
Fresh fragrance sheds;
The owls, on silent wings and wide,
Steal from the woodlands, one by one,
At curfew-tide.
When day is done.
No more the clanging rookery rings
With voice of many a noisy bird;
The startled wood dove's clattering wings
No more are heard;
With sound like whispers faintly sighed,
Soft breezes through the tree tops run.
At eurfewtldo.
When day is done.
So may.it he when lifeisspeut,
When ne’er another sun can risa,
Nor light one other joy present
To dying eyes;
fhen softly may the spirit glide
To realms of rest, disturbed by none,
At curfew-tide,
When day is done.
| Cham hers’ Journal.
II lull IDllCll!!! Pal!.
A sunny morning in Juno. The
platform erovvileil—cheap-trippers for
Southsea, heavy swells and belles
for the links at Hay ling Island, with
bags of golf sticks. The yachting
man, strongly in evidence, sunburnt
and puffing a cigarette Vigorously. If
lie is a new lininL—a Dickey Sam—he
wears a cloth-peaked cap with club
burgee, a well-ent coat of serge or
pilot clotli,bristling with bronze but
tons, loose flannel continuations and
white shoes. No man was ever so
much a sea-log as (he yachting tyro
looks.
The other sailing men, those to the
manner horn—“ swagger squadron
men,".who can fly the white ensign,
are dressed in long, lean, frock coats,
loose trousers, turned up, pointed
boots, immaculate collars and glossy
hats—the aim of the man who has
liVed is to look as much like a stock
broker as possible. Of course, down
at t!^ Castle or on Rydo pier they 0 „„ 1VV4
3KUte*H>»i •ilij'*.senaortaWyigR}tf* ahietle of the train signaled the
guar>t, after the imperceptible man-
nelr of liis kind, kfept that Carriage
empty until the train started itnd
they found themselves alone, secure
ly locked in.
A sudden start ran through her
slender frame. She paused, and
asked quickly I Do you know when
the next train leaves Waterloo for
Southampton?”
He was desolated. Of course, she
missed her maid, but he was afraid
not for some hours.
“Madame is glad? Madame is afraid
Of being followed?”
"Yes, madainc is glad. She docs
not wish to he taken back and forced
into a hateful marriage,” blushing
prettily,
The old, old story—stern father,
elderly lover, titled, rich but horrid.
No mother, no sister, no brother.
She was flying from hoiidage to her
aunt, Lady Azuregore, in Guernsey.
Yes, she was Lady Constance
Azuregore, Had ho really met her
at the Duchess of Arlington's dance?
She thought she knew his face. That
was Why site trusted him so implic
itly on the platform of course, lllit
if she was veiled, why was lie so
shrouded in a big cloak? "Come,
now,” anxiously, "a lady? An
elopement
Xo, no, and again no! Nothing
so joyous, lie nits I’rincC I’hul Dcm-
tofT, and had fallen between two rtools
—had incurred the enmity of the
Imperial Court through coquetting
with the Nihilists. That meant the
Alexlefsky Kavelin or the fortress of
Peter and Paul in St. Petersburg,
and, on the other hand, linding the
"party of progress” going too far, he
was threatened with death for de
serting the red (tag.
“You must pardon me, Prince, hut
we seem in trouble together,” and
she laughed merrily. “Do you know,
I half thought you were a detec
tive?"
lly this time he hail returned to his
hamper and produced deftly a table
clotli, plates, knives, forks and ser
viettes, a small bottle of Chateau
Mouton Rothschild and a dainty cold
chicken. Their mutual confessions
had lessened embarrassment, and the
lady, after making a little motie,
said that she was so hungry and so
glad to eat, etc.
They chatted and laughed ns the
train sped through the beautiful
country, and by the time Southamp
ton was thought of lie had kissed her
hand.
Site readjustel Iter veil, and lie as
sumed his big cloak with a sigh ns
status away and changed her frock.
She looked like afresh rosebud, but
her face grew 1 deathly pale, her eyes
diluted, anti tltci rterYe lines deepened
into marks of agony when he told
her the captain’s story. He thonght
slip was going to faint and im.de as
though to catch her. With u supreme
effort she regained tier self-possession
and said in a hoarse whisper:
“Oh, save me I Take ino to G nern-
sey in your yacht, or I Will jump
Overboard!”
He turned on liis heel witiiGS* re
plying and went up the companion-
Way on deck, m
“Johnson, yoUi 1 wife doesn’t mind
a trip to sea?”
“ Bless Your Royal ’Incss, she’s
dying for a sniff of the ocean !”
“Get Under weigh tit once.”
"Aye, aye. sir I All hands on
deck! Tumble up, my hearties!”
Lady Constance's face flushed deep
ly when she heard the clank Of the
chain pump and the flapping of the
foresail, and she thanked the Prince
with both hands and a sweet smile.
lender a good southwesterly breete
the yacht spun almost merrily, throw
ing the foam in long, beautiful, fea
ther-like curves from her clipptff
stern.
The lady stood dreamily against
the side ropes* and the Prince, an
experienced sailor evidently, took th<3
tiller and threaded the way carefully
through tile crowd Of Craft. For a
time neither spoke; tlicrt abruptly
giving the management to the appre
ciatively critical skipper, he beckoned
lief into the cabiil;
“1 will land you at Gttertiscy to
morrow inoriiing,” he said, “hut t
have been deceiving yoU. 1 am not
Prince Paul Deintoff. 1 um his valet.
I have robbed him of 1,000,000 rou
bles, and am now going to the Argen
tine in his yacht,” and he stood up
rigidly and faced her.
Hhe smiled and said calmly : “Very
good! Take me with you. 1 am not
Lady Constance Azuregore. I nnl
her maid,hut I’ve got her jewel-case. ”
—[London Million.
of hut i ons and burgees and display
remarkable activity in dodging that
tyrant <-f the deep—the sailing mas
ter—if the water looks a bit choppy.
Two people attracted a lot of at
tention by their palpable effort at
co’ncealment. He, although the day
was so hot. was enveloped in a long
cToiik, with a collar rea.Oiing past
his ears, and his cotton-white hair
.and mustache showed up occasionally
in.strong contrast to the deep brown
of his face as he turnod to watch the
porters attacking a huge mound of |
his belongings.
Kadi box and hag was emblazoned
with an imperial coronet over a mon- ^
ogram, and they told one another
guardedly and under promise of pro
found secrecy, “that was Prince Paul
DcmtolT, the owner of the new 100-
rater now lying off Southampton.”
She, the lady, was tall and grace- j
fully girl-like. A neat, natty blue
serge Ro.lfern frock; a sunburnt
straw hat, with a dark blue ribbon; -
tiny tanned hoots; a white shirt,
*vith si turndown collar, and flowing
tic completed her costume, saving a
thick gossamer veil that completely
hid her face, and hut for the white
ness and purity of her neck it would
have seemed she suffered from some
facial disfigurement. It was evt-.
dcntly a desire not to be recognized
that led to the adoption of the yash-
male.
- Site was evidently expecting or
avoiding some friends. Her head
moved with a hird-liko quickness as
she scanned each new arrival on the
platform, and her slender hand, j
white and jewelless, twitched ner
vously round the handle of the!
morocco monogramed case she car-1
ried. Catching her eye from a dis-1
tance, he walked toward her with the
easy, firm self-assurance that women
like. She saw he was coining to her
and waited calmly—perhaps she
breathed more quickly.
He raised ids soft hat, and with a
courtly how said in perfect English,
with the mere scent of an accent:
“Pardon mo, you are distressed.
Have you missed your maid! Can I
be of any service to you?”
• Now ins hat was off lie appeared a
prematurely wliite-haired man of
forty-five or fifty, with a firm face
station.
"The Guernsey boat does not leave
till midnight-. M'hnt are you going
to do? Where will you put up?”
“I don’t know. I will never be
taken hack alive. And you? You
are hunted. What will you do ? ”
“Go on hoard my yacht. She is
lying off here, and the gig waits for
this train at the landing steps. I
must hail them, as none of them
know me. My agent has engaged an
entirely new crew, skipper included,
all English. 1 want no Nihilists on
hoard.” And he looked moodily out
of the window.
She made a sudden movement, ns
if about to speak, hut drew hack.
Again she leaned forward, and the
repetition roused him from liis
thoughts. He looked up and saw her
eyes glistening even through the
thick veil. She was crying!
“ What is tiie matter? You are
frightened. Can I hclpyou ?”
“I hardly dure ask you. You may
think badly of me, hut I will not he
forced into this detestable marriage.
Can you—may I ”
He divined her thoughts. “ Stay
on hoard my yacht and hoard the
boat at midnight ? Yes, your lady
ship, yes—in all honor, yes. ” And
he held out both hands, and with a
sob almost hysterical she placed her
tiny gloves in them and the train
stopped.
They left the stat ion by aside door
unnoticed, and walking down the
broad, graveled road with the soft
sward and the old-time cannon,
passed the crumbling walls and found
the boat manned by six bronzed,typi
cal yachtsmen, the skipper, a tine
looking old man, sitting motionless
in the stern sheets holding the yoke
lines.
"Do you know a respectable wom
an who can look afterthis lady until
the mail boat starts?” asked the
Prince, as he handed her carefully on
hoard and passed her portmanteau.
She carried the morocco case herself.
“Well, surr, I’ve took the liberty
of invitun’ my old woman on hoard
to-day. Shelias been a stewardess,
surr ”
“Capital, captain, Now, lads, give
way!”
The boat soon shot alongside a
and voice—a man evidently used to - beautiful schooner yacht. Tue crew
command. - manned the gangway as the Prince
“Thank you very much,” came in ' and Lady Constance came on board,
a soft, sibilant voice from beneath tiie | and a motherly, sunburned woman
thick gossamer. “I have not quite I courlsicd her through an exquisitely
lost my maid, but my portmanteau. I furnished saloon cabin into a bijou
I am afraid it is under the pile of boudoir with a lace curtained bunk
luggage, and ”—with a little shrug— I and a hostof feminine fripperies.
“ I am afraid that pile of luggage is 1 -j may sail to-night. Is all ready?
you 119 ; , ! Right. Take the boat and go ashore.
That is mine, madam. I will get j b r j n g off my baggage and anything
your bag at once. May I ask where
you are going? To Southampton,
and'it is of the highest importance
you should not miss this train? Par
don, do not trouble: I will see that
all is arranged. ”
‘ A few words to the guard, u rapid
we may want from the ship’s stores.
And Johnson, keep the men afloat,
hut you just find oul if there is any
hue and cry about a lady eloping."
Captain Johnson, an old merchant
captain, slowly winked and looked
very knowingly. “H'm !” he said to
passage-of backsheesh, and the miss-i himself, “I half s’spected as much.
ing biig with a dainty monogram and
small crest, was placed carefully on
the rack of the first-class carriage
by which the veiled lady was stand
ing. ' 'With the coolness that seemed
part of his nature, the Russian indi
cated to a porter a small hamper, and
had it placed in the same compart
ment. There must have been some
collusion, and a lavish tip, for, al
though the train was crowded, the
That’s the sort of owner I likes to
sail with. Lots ’o yellow boys kick
in’ about this voyage, I lay.”
In about an hour lie returned, %nd
dolling Ills peaked cap said mysteri
ously : “I spoke to my cousin, the
pluuceman an' he says there's a lot
o’ cockney detectives down u-wateh-
in’ the station an' the Guernsey
packet for some young 'oomnn.”
Her la lysliip had washed all travel
CLEANED BY DIVERS.
Removing tho Barnacle* from a War*
ship's Bottom.
A I’nited States cruiser in active
service requires almost as much bur
nishing to keep her trim as does a
silk hat. It isn’t the brasses and
metal work around her decks that
cause the chief anxiety. It is her
bottom. That fouls particularly in
Southern sens, and it is necessary to
dock her and clean away the barna
cles.
But docks are not always at hand.
Lieutenant-Commander Sebree, in
discussing tills question in the
United States Naval Institute, de
scribes for the first time the scheme
worked by the United States shipBul-
timore during the Chilian trouble.
She was not docked for eleven
months, and during eight months of
that time she was in Chilian and Per
uvian waters. The Baltimore, hav
ing been docked at Toulon, France,
in February, 181)1, sailed for Chili.
Within four or five montlis after ar
riving in Chili she began to lose
speed on account of a foul bottom.
There were in the crew two seamen
gunners, who had qualified as divers
in the torpedo school at Newport, be
sides Peter Hanley, the gunner, who
had also taken the course. It was
decided to clean the bottom of the
Baltimore by sending down divers.
An iron ladder was let down from a
launch alongside tiie Bultimoie, and
for use under the ship a wide Jacob's
ladder was made on hoard. Whil*
cleaning the bottom the diver was al
ways on this ladder, between it and
the ship. He would stand, sit, or lie
down on the ladder, as happened to
he most convenient.
The divers used scrapers made ot
hard wood in the shape of a broad
chisel. They were about four inches
wide and eight inches long, with
tho handle end rounded down. The
diver chose the man who attended to
the life line. Besides this nian who
attended the line, four other men
were in the launch, Two of them
worked the pumps, and the other two
attended to the bow and stern lines
of the launch. The divers were lim
ited to five hours’ work a day, and
they got $1 an hour in addition to
their regular pay.
The time taken to clean the bot
tom once and to clean one-third of it
a second time was two montlis. The
work was done under adverse circum
stances in the harbor of Valparaiso,
where frequently a sea would stop
tho work.
The barnacles on the bottom of the
Baltimore tho tirst time that she was
cleaned averaged two and three-quar
ter inches in length. Some of them
were more than three inches long.
They were often in clusters, so that
they extended six inches or more from
tiie ship’s bottom.
After the bottom was cleaned, the
gunner made an inspection, and re
ported that the cleaning was well
done. Lieutenant-Commander Se
bree says, that in his opinion a ves
sel can be kept practically clean and
suffer no serious loss of speed for at
least a year by the use of her divers
at a cost of IftiOU for labor, and about
$000 for the pump.—[New York Sun.
A Remarkable Grindstone.
The most remarkable grindstone
on earth is owned by J. J. Patteison,
of Hawesville, Ky. It has been in
use on his farm since 185!). It wa:-
made from stone on his farm; {It if
used by the entire neighborhood and
wears with the times. In good times
it sheds its grit liberally, hut in hard
times it becomes as Hint. This year
the sparks from it have put out the
eye of a boy who was turning it and
set tire to a pile of straw fourteen
feet from it.—[Atlanta Constitution.
UNCLE SAM’S ARMY.
FROM A MILITARY STANDPOINT
IT NUMBERS 6,500.000.
Strongest of dll Nation*--<*ariT|*ny
Comes Next with Abnit'Fhrpand
a Half Milliona--OtharCtiraiiMn
Armies. f*->
nnm in training, hut all the same he
is reckoned on«, °f Die powers of the
earth, Military expv.™ tiie
ttaf dfci'flngth of a nation 0num -
her of uien available for. its Sfn.J
Your Uncle Sam is a bigman frpm
a military point of vies*. • Ha.may
not have many soldiers. tinder arms ...
now, and onlv a bare 100,000 militia- lor ladia than India could or would
Great Britain and Ireland she is cred
ited With the ability to put into the
field 650,000 men, Of course this
takes no consideration of her popu
lous and wealthy colonies. They are
not considered, because as a factor in
war their value is not known. Many
able writers on the art of war -dad
diplomat* of skill and acptencss
have believed.,that colonies are a
source of weakness! It seems almost
sure that tn ease of k great war Eng
land would be compelled to do more
do tor England, ‘ But from a military
standpoint the English Army is of
leas importance as a factor than the
English Navy. It is to her sailors
arauame .or - »nd not to her soldiers that Engtand
Independent of the final limit,which ! »^ ks tor &°ry and power. But W
must, of course, be the actual nam- 1 the should come north
her of men in the country, this nnm- ' «' H.’mJaya Mountains, where
her is arrived at by examinipg the
laws of the country Itself. That is
to say, some countries require mili
tary service only between certa’n
ages, others require It only for twe or
three years of a man’s life, and after
that IDs hearing arms is optional
with himself; others, like our own,
expect every man to rorve. Based
Upon this method of calculation, the
United States leads all other nations,
because every man here Is required
and can he compelled to hear arms in
Cast 1 of necessity up to the ago when
he is inciq aCitated by feebleness.
Thus the army of the United States
^■unarmed, untrained, ununiformed,
it is true, but nevertheless the legal
and loyal defenders of tile country—
numbers 6,50t»,UUO. men.
This vast number is a long way a-
head of the next stBDiigest nation,
Germany. Of course, if the United
States were less fortunately situated,
geographically speaking—if she had
neighbors that could invade her at a
day’s or a week’s notice—her mili
tary strength as expressed in these
figures would he more apparent than
real; But, considering the facts as
they are, It is fair to reckon these
six and a half millions of men as the
army of tho United States, for before
they- would be needed in vast num
bers—say three-quarters Ol n million
hien—there whottld be ample tiitle-iO
drill and equip them. It is-clear
that no nation hut England or her
allies could attack us on the tlorth,
nor any hut Mexico or Iter allies on
the south. The possibility of a
coast invasion is not worth consid
ering.
No man could say the number of
men who would respond to the Presi
dent’s call in the case of an invasion
A million would priTuably be below
the number that would offer them
selves in less than forty-eight hours.
The 75,000 men whom Lincoln asked
for thirty-three years ago, were fur
nished within twenty-four hours, and
That was from only a portion of the
United States numbering in popula
tion about 15,000,000. It was for a
cause upon which at that day men
were divided, even in the North.
Should there he a great national
emergency now and the President
wore to call for a million men, could
not (15,000,U0!i of people united on
of the H;mJ a >' a Mountains
ships would have ilO strategic influ
ence and men only wod.“ ooun D
would be a question of who would
win, for the hordes of the north
Asia are certainly loyal to Russia,
while the hordes of the south of Asia
are but problematically loyal to Eng
land.
Austria and Italy, those weak sis
ters in the Triple Alliance which
Germany brought in with her that
she might have the Baltic at her back
and the Mediternnean at her front in
easeof war, together have three mil
lion of men. Added to the live mil
lion of Germany the united armies
would exceed those of Russia and
France by nearly a million anda half.
' What the outcome of the great
struggle wlien these men shall meet,
as all students of contemporaneous
events agree they’ will - is to lie no
man can tell. The United States has
but little interest in a European, or.
In fact, any other war. She lies far
from the' possibilities ot entangle
ment, but,if that day should come
when tho old flag would have to be
sustained against foreign foe, the
world would he shown mice more
that it is not militarism that makes
a nation powerful, hut the number,
courage and loyalty of her sons, and
of them your Uncle Sum has 6,500,-
00(1.—[New York Advertiser.
WONDERFUL ESCAPES.
Eapariotios of • M j 0 ,
•-Wrecked
Railway Mall Clark.
Lewis L. Troy', Of Chicago, is Su
perintendent of tiie Sixth Division ol
the Railway Mail Service, which ter
ritory takes in everything from Chi
cago, 111., to Ogden,, Utah, on Wlie
Union Pacific line aud its branches.
.Mr. 1Toy lb UliC Ui Ur* men in
the service, so far as dcwle# goes.
He is also a veteran, having enlisted
in 1861 in the Ninth Illinois Infanty
at the beginning of the war, for three
mouths, and then re-enlisting for the
in addition 50,000 move wore offered’. w *r. He returned home in July.
I865,i and was appointed in the Rail
way Mail Service, as \fhat was then
known as a route ugent^n 1868, and
has raised himself up, degree by de
gree, until 18!K), when he was ap
pointed Superintendent. Wliile route
agent he was in four wrecks. He
says: • “ '• 1 .-i •
In the fall of 186‘.) I was running
one thing, tliaf’of defending their; 0 n the 'Chicago. Burlington and
country, furnish them within two road, when o. evening I ex
days? (If course it.could not furnjpjh
them armed, equipped or trained, but
the mon thenisi Ives would he ready.
The second cull for troops during the
war was for ROOJMKi men. That
number was furnished by the Gov
ernors of the Slates within ten days.
Arguing by analogy, it is clear that
at least tJ,UtH),(KIU men could be ob
tained for national defence inside of
two weeks, w.ero the occasion suffici
ently pressing. ' :
Germany has long been pointed
out as the modern example of mili
tarism. No other nation is so care
fully studious to make all laws to
pertenced a head-eud; i dlision be
tween jfcnp 4i^Sifet of two passenger
trains near Aurora. Hi. The two en
gines came together with a crash,
wrecking hotli of them completely,
tho tender of the engine which was
pulling my car telescoping the mail
coach and mushing it to pieces 1
saved myself by swinging to the
bar running through the centre of
tli/e 'oar, the tender of the looo-
'mative going under me. This was
; the narrowest escape I ever had.
"The most wonderful escape I ever
witnessed was on a liranch of the
Chicago, Burlington and ljuiney
got the greatest number of mon into Railroad between Viola and New*
the field and in military training as Windsor, HI., in the winter of 1868.
is the land of tho Kaiser. Notwith- T| ie r0 ads were frozen hard, and a
standing this tlioy have fallen almost man was driving a wagon loaded with
a million behind the United States. Lumber along the road. Our train
Germany s possible limit, based upon was a fast mail train, and we were
the most liberal construction not going at the rate,of forty miles an
only of her laws hut the possibilities j hour. It was a very cold daw and
of her population,_ is set down at a the man had his head and ears well
little more than .>,.>00,IKK) of men. wrapped up, so he could not hear tiie
This includes not only the regular
army now under arms, but' tho0a\|ho
are in the latulwher i/nd the xsseryjs
who may he called upon for three And'
five years respectively. Germany’s
position in Europe as the head of and
dominant force in the Triple Al
liance has compelled this tremen- !
dous sacrifice to the possibility of !
war, and every man who gives his j
allegiance to the Kaiser and is more
than twenty-one years of age, has
served, or is now serving, in tho army
or in the lamlwlier or reserves.
France is the great military qon-
whistle of the engine. He was walk
ing behind the wagon, holding the
lines. In crossing the track the hor
ses had got safely over. The engine
struck the wagon fair” n the middle.
The man was thrown li great force
into the air and lande against the
pilot of the engine. The wagon was
torn to splinters, and the horses,
thrown loose, went galloping at full
speed down the road. When the train
was stopped, the man was brought
into my ear and laid out. we thinking
that he was dead. I took some water
and star 18(10.0 wqsh the .Irtwid from
trast to Germany, just asruhe, *9 Kjsvfyce. Assooh KXrt$ie 'cold water
hound at some, future Mpm. ! jitufek*!• .face* he .Jpanedi his eyes
nm fur distant, to *ade‘JiefryOin the 'afitliiked: “ Wh/rd 'my team?’
Is greatest battlefield. Her *f thi n.vf ■ii.tinn 1.^-u f-i,,.,, ,.i>
new oily, (Russia, long
o be the u.'ost 1 powerful of
not
world
soldiers are estimated at 8,750,1X1(1
They include the active and the re
tired men, as well as the vast body
who have passed through both
periods of service. They are trained
to perfection, ready in a moment,
ovi rtlowing with patriotism and im
bued with one passion—revenge on
the Genpans
i'ltuicjeT
supposed to
continental countries, can put 3,200,-
000 soldiers in the field. This esti
mate is of course based upon the
laws that govern and the population
of what is known as Russia in Eu
rope. Not even the Czar or his most
trusted counselor can give anything
like an accurate estimate of the
hordes of barbarians on the Siberia
and Trans-Ural country who would
follow his standard in easeof war.
On the other hand, Russia’s army on
u peace footing is the largest of any.
it numbers 707.0tXi.\
England s in Hilary strength Is
largely problem! eal. On the face
At the next station he was taken off
and examined by a physician, who
found that he was not hurt at all,
and tin less than half an hour lie
walked away and got his horses,
’neither of which was hurt to any ex
tent.”
No Life in Mummy Wheat.
AAtexpeciipent on Lord Wipehil-
sea’s “Cable” farm has just decided
the oft-mooted question whether or
not the mummy wheat found in the
Egyptian tombs really possesses the
germs of life. A few months ago
Lord Sheffield, on his return from
Egypt, gave Lord Winchilsea a hand
ful of wheat which ho j had himself
taken from a sarcophagus containing
a mummy. . One hundred of these
grains were carefully planted under
a glass frame. The'result was awaited
with interest by those who knew of
the experiment, but alter some weeks
the seed were discovered to have
rotted away.—[London Daily News.
THE JOKER’S BUDGET.
JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY
MEN OF THE PRESS.
Not tho Only One--A Thorough*
going Girl.-A Record Breaker->
A Tremendous Cut--Etc., Etc.
Transfer compiinies in Eiii'iaud are
of her laws and the population of ^ ready to pay for the baggage they smash.
NOT THE ONLY ONE.
'1'eacjher—Who was it' that sup
ported the world on his shoulders? .
Bright Pupil—It was Atlas,ma’am.
Teacher—And who supported At-
1ns?
Bright Pupil—The book don’t say,
but I guess his wife supported him.
•—[Truth.
A THOROUGHGOING GIRL.
“Don’t you think you could love
me a little bit?” he persisted.
“No,” she replied; “I never do
things by halves.’’—[New York Press.
A RECORD BREAKER.
Madge—What’s your Russian
fiance’ 9 name?
Mabel—v'Dera pause)—When can
you give me asi afternoon off?
Madge—Thursday.
Mabel—*A11 right. Come around
and I’ll tell you.
A TREMENDOUS CUT.
Customer—Do you fit these gloves?
Clerk—No; tlioy are only 99 cents.
Customer—And they were expen
sive gloves?
Clerk—Yes, they were selling at $1
only yesterday.—[Chicago Inter-
Ocean.
A GREAT FINANCIER.
The somewhat impecunious young
man had married the daughter of tho
rich legislator so much against the
father’s will that he had left them to
shift for themselves.
“Your wife’s father,” remarked a
friend one day to the young man, “is
a great old financier.”
“ Yes, hut lie is no statesman.”
“Is that so?”
“Of course. For when I married
liis daughter he demonetized her, and
we’ve had hard times ever since.”
—[Detroit Free Press.
FINAL.
Tom—You had not ought to con
sider your case as hopeless just be
cause she said “ no.”
Jack—To he perfectly exact, what
s!;e said was “ rats I”
WOULD HELP.
Tuddells—Do you think the silver
question will ever he settled?
Fosdiek—I don’t know, hut it
wouklheh) a little if you would pay
me tliat dollar you lj-v>*jm ;l u jem
ago.—[Detroit Free Press.
HE DID LATER.
“ Shoplefgh,” said Cholly, as tie
entered the tailor’s, “I want you to
iron these clothes extra well. I am
going to propose to a girl this even-
H" Don’t you think,” replied the
tailor, “that you’d better press your
suit yourself V ”
A SLIGHT MISUNDERSTANDING.
He—Miss oldkatte, you are pret
ty —
She—Oh, Mr. Giddyboy 1
He—You are pretty-
She—How ean you, you horrid man?
He (in desperation)—Confound it,
you are pretty nearly old enough not
to act like this.—[Truth.
MEANT FOR A COMPLIMENT.
Hu—What’s the difference between
you and a duck?
' She (shyly)—Is tlieie any?
He—Yes; you're dressed to kill
and the duck is killed to dress.—
[Truth.
NOT UTTERLY DEPRAVED
“Is it true, my son,” said the old
man to him reproachfully, “that you
put fly paper on the seat of the
teacher’s chair and laughed when he
sat down on it?”
“I cannot tell a lie, father; that’s
the fact. But 1 felt sorry for it after
ward.”
' “You felt that it was disrespectful
to the teacher?”
"No, sir; I felt that it was cruel
to the flies.”—[Judge.
KNEW HIM.
Jnwkins—Let’s ride on this ear.
Jumkins—No, I’d rather walk.
Jawkins (sarcastically) You want
to save the nickel, I suppose?
Jumkins (also sarcastically)—No,
I want to save the dime.
NEITHER AMOUNTS TO MUCH.
“That speech from the throne is an
absurd thing,” said Dawkins,
who had been reading the Queen’s
speech.
“Yes; but it's like a great many
speeches in tliat respect. Our crown
speeches here ain’t any better.”
“Crown speeches?”
•“Yes; speeches through the crown
of the statesman’s hat.”—[Harper’s
Bazar.
WHY HIS PREFERENCE.
“Which song would you rather
hear MiSs-Warble sing?”
“‘Mariner Bold.’”
“But she doesn’t sing that at all.”
“I know. That’s why I prefer it.”
—[Judge.
SAD MISTAKE.
“If it were not so childish and out
of date I could take a real good cry.”
said tho woman with the short hair.
“What is the matter, dear?”
“I wore my husband's vest down
town shopping yesterday by mistake,
and there were three big cigars stick
ing out of the top pocket. I never
noticed it till I gqt home."—[In
dianapolis Journal.
PHILOSOPHY OF HISTORY.
Eflio (at her lessons)—I think his
tory’s much nicer than arithmetic,
auntie.
Auntie—Why, dear?
i'.rtie—Because you don’t have to
prove your answers.—[Ball Mall
Budget.
CHILDREN’S COLUMN.
SCARECROW.
When Farmer Jones had shot a crow,
(It was no easy task you know,)
He hang It in his cornfield, where
He thought the live crows it would seni-%
The crows could not don mourning, sinoo
They always wore funeral tints,
Bo they solved to hold a wake
For their departed brother's sake.
They met and mourned him 'mid tho corn,
And, growing hungry toward the morn,
Devoured the crops and then withdrew.
Leaving the scarecrow and the view.
—Harper’s Young People.
RUNNING DOWN A RESPONSIBILITY.
There was a great railway accident
in England last summer because ono
train was behind time. After weeks
and months of investigation the man
who was responsible was censured and
discharged.
He was an electrician who was re
ceiving a salary of $5,000 a year. It
was his duty to see that the watch' s
which the company gives to all of its
employes were looked after and put
in order at stated intervals.
This duty he had neglected. Tho
conductors watch was slow, the train
was wrecked and many lives lost. Amt
it was proven to lie all the fault of tiie
prosperous man asleep in his London
home at the time.
When tho young prince imperial ol
Franco was killed in Zuzuland several
years ago, all tho hopes of the great
party in France were blasted, and
probably the history of Europe
changed. It was shown that his death
was due to the dishonesty of his sad
dle makers in Loudon, who had used
imitation leather for one of the straps,
the strap had broken, and the young
prince was left on foot, among sav
ages.
Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes says
that in bringing up a hoy, oil" ought
to begin with his grandfather, because
there are a great many traits which if
they had been crushed out then
would never come down to the grand
son.
It might be a good idea for every
boy to remember that he is ut the be
ginning of a great many things, and
that the Hixcllcst neglect ol any imc
duty, the least dishonesty, may change
everything in the world. Upon every
one rests a responsibility to liis fellow-
men as well as to himself.—Atlanta
Constitution.
jack’s abitiimatic.
Jack was never able to get tho
names of things quite straight at
school, from the time he was in his A-
J3-C's until he was quite a big hoy.
One day his sister two years older
than he, was boasting that she was in
six studies.”
“Boom I in six,” Jack said, not
liking to be outdone.
“Oh! Jack, you know you arc not;
yon are only in three,” she said.
“I am ! I am in just as many as you
are, now miss, and I can prove it by
counting.” And Jack was so very-
sure that he began to lose his temper.
Then he began on his lingers:
“There’s reading, one; writing, two;
spelling, three ; and—and—and slate,
four; pencil, five; and sponge, six 1
Now haven’t I proved it?” lie cried, in
tho most delightful way, and his fittlo
sister conid't say that he had not.
When he was older and quite ad
vanced in “Slate and pencil and
sponge,” one morning his mother was
keeping him a few minutes before h«
started to school to try and brush his
hair a little smoother.
He kept pulling away from her, and
at last begged: ‘‘Mother, please let mn
go—I’ve got the hardest sums today a
boy ever had to do.
“What sort of sums are they, my
son?” tho mother asked. It seems
that it was a review lesson, hut Jack
wns in great trouble over them, and
said, “I don’t know what kind of sums
they are except hard ones.” Then with
his brow wrinkled up at the thought
of them he added : “But you put ’em
to ’em ; yon takj ’em from ’em ; your
four times ’em, and you how many
times in ’em.” And no one can deny
that Jack’s sums did not sound dread
fully hard. —Courier-Jou mil.
Language of Finger Nails.
A white spot on the finger nails in
dicates coming misfortune. Pale,
dark nails belong to melancholy peo
ple, while gentle, timid, shrinking na
tures are indicated by broad nails.
Hound nails indicate a natural student
and one of liberality and thought and
feeling. Long, n .rrow nails show an
ambitious and irritable disposition
and small white nails point to small
ness of mental grasp, obstinacy and
self-conceit. Red spotted nails show i.
martial, choleric spirit, tui'l tliose which
grow into tho flesh at the sides nud
ii’iriiers indicate a luxurious taste, li
able to develop iuto laziness. Very
pnle-hned nails indicate weakness ot
i harneter. —Philadelphia Press.