? ? ??? ' ? :' ? ; ? '";?''V" ? -=_.. _ - . = i. WO DOLLARS PER ANNjUM. J- ? GOD A.1STT3 OTJI' OOTJ3STTKY. ALWAYS in adv'&^Ii_ VOLUME 9. SATURDAY MOMlWl 20 1875. NUASiW^ Extracts from one of "Jones," Humorous Letters. "Jones" of tho Uuion Herald tookla trip tip the country a short titno ago. At tho dopot in Columbia, he says ho "met a patriot." "He was a fine specimen of tho deco rum tribe. Out at tho elbow, seedy, and unkempt, with a deliberate- indepen dence that'amounted to impudence, ho looked like that pusillanimous fiuancial T WIDOWS, . had never alarmed then?a beautifu idiosyncrncy which has always stood . out in bold relief?relief of nobody?in my character for centuries. He receiv ed me, pleasantly. Sir, said I, your nam*, residnuce and business, if you ' ^Jease? Said he : Sir, I am a native bjrth, a patriot by profession, but as a pern,au0Dt' hoarder I am not a pecu niary slict688' What's that, said I; is itanythingHiko a 8OTOrnor> ot an at" torney-generai' or a 8tat0 treasurer, or EVEN a'TKIAL JU8T10E ? ' Oh, no, says he, } Patriofc ia 000 who knows how sweetUind honorable it is to dio for one's coun*"1^' and!wl10 80 l?vps. that when he diesa?vor*bodJ oan see he does it for his cotuulr>'8 good; a* raun, on, , i) proibib" Btrfi'vauluu i>o pub|ie office in these radical days, but who prefbre public office to anything else." On the train "Jones" met Judge Cooke. He says: Everybody in the up-country knotrs Judge Cook, and all who know him like him. On tho bench he is dignified courteous, learned in the law, and en tirely impartial in its administration. Off the bench he is simply Mr. Cooko, full of all the amenities of life aud all the rich virtues of a nature overflow ipg With generosity and good homor. II e never forgets a friend, and rarely for gives An enemy. Strong in all his purpo rt, FEARLESS AND RESOLUTE, ho is recognized every whore as an effi ?ient public; officer. He was then on his way to hold court at Anderson, lit tle dreaming of tho awful catastrophe that then and thero overwhelmed his, juries. Since the death of Judge Graham he is known as tho big judge weighing in his stocking feet nearly 300 pounds, and worth to the public in terests as much per pound as any man a the State. Just before' parting his ouor helpod me toat ten cents out oi the car to a poor blind orphan of eighty ummcrs, who bad mistaken me for th president of the national grange. It was a noblo sight to see us two doing that thing; and while we were doing of it most of tho passengers huug sns ded between a smilo and a tear, le the engine blowed off steam in dry possible way, to keep irotu burst ing to pieces. Charity begius at homo; but what is homo to an orphan without &'mother ! And besides, when it comes down to cash, the grange and mo understand EAOH OTHER. A physioian was on tho train with him. "Jones" says: *T left the doctor at Alston, and as it was a very cold day, nn eager and a nip ping air, suppose that in tho four hours of waiting ho must have frozen to th e place, oi? lallen a viotim to that felonious meal, in whioh, like the wedding feast in Hamlet, the funeral baked meats of ? tho week boforo did coldly furnish forth tho dinner table. Horace- I moan tho protege of Mcoconaa?would havo call od it rjtdis indige&taque moles. I will, however, take the papers, and reserve my decision until I can see the proprietor, an 1 size his pile before I tell tho public what it ought to be called. As to Mr. North rop, ho had Jlittle to say,sitting alone with thnt awful Roman nose, like tho Tarpean rock jutting its counfouuded base. It afterwards turned out thnt ho was engrossed in the contemplation of the sublimity and inscrutability ofhu man affairs, the ingratitude of repub lies, and the peculiar difference between tho mau in office and tho fellow out of offico." "Jones" got off the train at Anderson looked at tho place, kicked up the devil in Judge Cook's Court, didn't drink auy whiskey, aud wrots as follows of (hat placo : Auderson I found a live place, with an excellent hotel, kept by a son-in-law of Judge Heed. The man of all work, the chief cook and b?tj)c washer qf the house, israjcoWcd man, trained iPink Williams. That fellow is worth his . weight in gold, provided he don't weigh "Jii^s^f. t 1^ &asj[ court week, and r the bouse was crowded. The next morning there was an odd Bight. The judge, it .appears, has enforced the old habit aud uuiformnand requires the elo'rfc loVnp pear in a full'suit of black, aud the sheriff to come for htm in the coiitinen tal cock-hat, aod the big sword .at the. shoulder. _ As he was crossing the square, several asked him it he did not belong to Wheeler's cavalry The ? sheriff, who was a gallant soldies of the Confederacy, and lost his leg in tho war, can't stand ihe parade, and sends his deputy. It is worth $50 to any man of the reuiotosfc-senBibility - to cross a square full of people in that grotesque rig, and the judge ought to see that tho man 18 i'a id something r . . ; For the wear and tear of his "phelinka." If his honor wool d OiA^ .ndur the coun ty, ftommissiontrs to furnish .him with an educated hog, or monkey aud a hand or?an and send him through the cotin try, he would pay the entire expense of holding court each term. The clerk hail to b.) excused, because just before his dress suit was finished, the tailor shop was broken opuii and robbed, and his uniform was among the 'dear departed. ' The lawyers all wear black coats in Judge Cooke's court, and things begin to wear a pre Adamite look. Mis honor swears, if the worst comes to the worst, he will vote next time for Georg?-Wash ington for a third term. * "Jones" boarded the train again, and winds up tbusly : "Wo had another spartan dinner somewhere on the road to Greenville. Do ('astro and Miss Faunio eat at the head of the table, and went to work on tho venerable fried rooster and in flexi blc cabbage.Vv fie tried first to mcsmer Jzo the stuff, but it would not take; then ho calledUup all Iiis favorite devils to make the meal palatable, but all tho red hot spices and sulph uric sauces of hell could not mollify the obdurate bis cuit or correct the morbid buttor. There is A SrEOIAIi PROVIDENCE that shapes our ends, and it put a par ticular damnation on that dinner. The ragged edge of despair was "Hail, Co lumbial" to that work, and wo wore all fortunate iu having escaped with our lives. Sweet spirits of ammonia,, henr my prayer ! I oat at that booth no more forover 1 At longth wo reached Gr ccnvillo, and although my tale is not half told, yet must it close. "What is writ is writ, would it wore worthier." I give it to you just i'or what it is Worth, and beg leave to subscribe myself, yours, ix officio." "Jones." "Jouoa" doesn't Ree m to havo rellish ed all he saw. - Woildcr if ho had the head-ache when he nrrived back to Co lurobia' ? Can our friend ? Thornpsou of tho Union- Herald inform us? -'. ? ' ' Two young mon who resolved , to com mit suicide, beoauso their sweetheart* married an undertnkor, owes his ?lifo to tho sobor second thought thut he in tg ht bo furnishing his.rival with a job. - pa > ? ??i Paying up-^'Cotmng^down.' Beecher's Trial; SANGUINARY VATICINATIONS AS TO ITS RESULT. [From the Chicago Tribune] I nui perfectly serious when I pro pbocy that this trial between Tilton and Boeoher will not bo lawfully completed until tho first ol* April, or thereabouts. Yet I do not contemplate so lotig and s > depressing u continuation of, thi.se pro cceding. I foci somehow 01 other, that a tragic conclusion will abruptly aud terribly end this matter. As it pro presses, tho thoatric mantle ol heroism drops off, from its shoulders, and pre sently it will bo wholly uudruped, a lewd aud hideous transfiguration of Pria pus. To be the laureate of such reck ing ununla might, gratify the hot ambi1 tiou of Swinburbo, but to impartial nostrils tho whiffs and strenches of a wide-spread licentiousness are nothing else than sickening. Its'tableaux arc as vile as tho encaustics oi Ponipi; its episodes fit only for tho prurient con teuiplntion of Mcssalina, and its actors seem to havo lost theiraptsst oppor tunity in tho suppression of Aphra R?hn, i he argument of the defense, on tho moral question ;.t issue, not be twcoh Ueceher and Tilton, but between Bcechcr and the world, is no loftier plea than the grinning ''tu juoquc." II Bcechcr bo a libertine, Tilton is a free lover; aud, if Bcechcr sod need Elizabeth Tilton. Theodore Tilton permitted aud extonuuted that scduc tion by his adulterous alliance with Woodhull. So far, it looks like a match at mud-throwing, with fouler ammunition, however, than tho cheap orduxo of tho streets. AH man nor of beastly i confidences are to bo torn from - A' t -?? ? -Ij- -"? s. .T*.'^ chair. A true Corinthian urgie is promised, in which every brutal appc titc shall bo nakedly represent id. \Ve arc only on the throshuld of the scandal If it be necessary to save 31 r. Beechcr, an exhibittoq so monstrous may bo made that the anger of his countrymen will rescue him by a prompt and wrath ful extinction of the whole proceeding Other adulteries, other seductions, other bestial incidents in this unwritten his tory of Plymouth, are to be paraded be fore the puzzled jurors and the stupefied world. At least TWO DEAR WOMEN Are to anticipate the last judgment by confessing through the mouth of their own kindred, that they were false to their marriage vows, and one of them, that her Blthincss was beyond even the awful picturing of Juvenal. At la*t one incest will be dragged from under the protective shadow of Mr. Beecher's church, and stripped bane and putrid for .the consideration of these Christian States. If Henry C. Bowen over reaches the witness stand there will bo squeezed from his lean person such a .steam of poisonous, excrcniontilions knowledge that tho whole country will stop its nostrils and its ears, aud CRY "ENOUOII !" Testimony will be produced upon this trial, nud may perhaps be spread upon its record to which tho feculence of all extant literature will be as Salmon odors. 1 know of ouo tomb which has already been ransacked to prove prior guilt on Beecher's part; and I know of another grave into which Beechor's lawyers will presently descend to grope for the shameful affections of Tilton. Human dust nud ashes cited to demon strate the wickedness it committed in the flesh is one of the certainties of this, our tedious Dies Irto. But, though tho horrors which I have faintly outiius 1? and which are as well known to a sooro of persons as to myself?from nil irrcfra gablo chapter in tho lewd record of this case, yet do 1 firmly believe, without being nblo- to give a reason for my belief, that a ?UDDEN AND MORTAL STOPPAO? OF THIS TRIAL ?Will bo inado by one or both of its principals. I duro not predict that Bcechcr will take flight from (hat tor tiblo arena; I duro nut predict that sudden death or dramatic confession will stuitlu his woishippers, uudsilouce tho proems of Ina j accusation. But though it', would bo' something more than niui.ieity to conjec ture the form in which (holend will come, yet do 1 verily aud earnestly believe that some othc r verdict i-.Jiu the verdict of a jury will con crude ' this appaliug religious tragedy. Remember Me. ? ? it There tj.-? not two other words in the langrago jtbut call back a more fruitful train of mast remembrances of friend ship, th:i| these. Look through your library, u'id when you cast your eye upo i a inlumc that contains the name of an ol} companion, it will say?rn number '?? Have you an ancient album, thl re ository of tho mementoes of early .{-.fleet ion ? turn over it.- leaves, stained ly the linger of time?sit down and potu't-r upon the names enrolled upon thevis, each says?remember mcl Go into ti/o crowded churchyard,among the marble tombs ? lead the S'mplo and brief iuBFriptions that perpetuate the memory bf departed ones; thoy, too, have a wico that speaks to the hearts of the living, ami it suvs?remember me. Walk, i i the hour of evening twilight, amid thw scenes of your early rambles; the w. ?-jkiiowu paths, th-j winding streams. tho over spreading trees, the green gCpjly sloping blliks, will reeall the drea?ls ol juvenile plcisuro. and the r. collecti-ms oi' youthful companions; they, too,[bear the treasured inj motion ?remenmiir me. Aud t/tib is all that is left at last of the widi; circle of our early I'riea Is. ScatteieJ by fottune, nt called away by death, thrown without our band by the ci.:t A.-js o!" circumstance or of char ae'er. i'i^jiiu we tin 1 oarsilves left aio ne 11 '.11 ?'ydleetiun;if what^hey WaW .?'OT .. J-tt&fK ? -1 w?m ifSooy their favor.*; others wore kind, an 1 amiable, and a i'i r i nia t e. and for this we esteem il t!ieai, others, again, were m ?1 1.-- ol virtue, a i l shared our piaisc and adiuiruti mi. It was thus a little while and then the chances oi the world broke in upon the delighted intercourse; it cease I. Vet .- till we d ? all we can to discharge tho one sn red and honest, an 1 honorable debt ?to remember them. The tribute, ton, ol' remembrance which we delight to pay to others we desire lor ourselves Tho wish for a;i plau*o; the thirst for fame; the desire that our name* should shiue down t future posterity in the glory ol rojorded deed-, is a f'everi-h unhappy passion, compared with the unambitious desire tc retain, even beyond the spaa of life, tho tillections ol" the warm-hearted few who shar<:l our joys and sorrows in the world. I once read tho brief inscription '?ltcmombcr me,'' on a loiustonc, in a country graveyard, with a t ;ar, tint th e grave ol' Bonaparte would not hive called forth. lint whom do wo always romomber with tiffection The virtuous, tho kind, the warm hearted; those who hive on cleared themselves to us by the amiable ness ol thoir character.*. It is the tniu 1. the disposition, the habits, the fooling ol our friends which attach us to them most strongly; which form the o?ly hut ing bond of affection; which iiloue em secure our affectionate remembrance*. Then, if we would be romcuib ir id with the kindliest feelings; if wu would be embalmed in the memory of those wo love; if we desire that, when Ibrtu ic or late, shall separate us from our friends they may long thiuk of us; we must possess ourselves the same character we love in others. Mover was a more noble liuo written in the History of man than this?''The first emotion of pain ho ever caused was by Ins or her departure." . - ? ???iaii. ? - . ^gmmmtmm - Tho I'ittsburg Pii toy i> a lightning rod wagon With an insurance agent perched on the rear of t. 'A man who tears the Lord and who can carry home an intoxicated uiombur is tho kind of a ! Sorgoant at arms that the:} want lor tho Miunessotu LcgUlti tu re. KalakoUH has Kit Chicago, and the .Journal cries out after him, 'tjood byes, Rai !' 'He Died Saying tfCtiss.? A WANDERER FROM TUB FRONTIER? WHAT WAS FOUND ON II IS BREAST. Ho Biit on the steps of the City Hall, head in his hands, aud one could not help but notice him. lie wore a coat of wolfskins, a bearskin cip. buckskin breeches, and his grizzly luir hung down "ii bis shoulders ill a tangled mass, lie bad drifted Rast from the wild fron tier, and he had fallen sick. No one knew for a Jong time what ailed him, as he would not reply to inquiries, but dually, when a policeman shook Iiis arm and repeated the inquiry, he slowly'ltf ted bis head and ''cplied : 'I'm played!' His lace was pale and haggard, and it was plain that he was going to have an attack of f>ver. lie was sent to the hospital for treatment he was making do inquiries und auswering no questions This was a mouth ago. He had his per soual effects in a sort of a sack. These were a breech loading rille, a batchy, a knife, and several oilier articles and when he bail laid on the bed in one of the wards, be insisted, that the bag be placed under his head. They otfere 1 I him medicine, but. he turned away his lace and no argument could induce hiui to swallow any 'But you arc a sick man,' sai l the doctor. 'Cus3 sickness,'replied the old gen tleman. ?Aud you may die '.' ?Cus8 death." He grew worse as the days went by, and was sometimes out of his' l.cad, and talking strange talk of Indian lights and buffalo hunts, but not once did be .speak ol' family, friou-j s or himself, lie would l ot them undre.-.s 1^*4 co.nl? "ills ti-rsr-^? v^j"- ,f?S?JB*:?a -a* yo.nd leaving his Ii ?d on the stand. A raging fever was burning up* hissystem, and when the doctors found that the old m:.u wi uld not take their inolicine, they li.ti.ow that d. ai i was only a mat t- r oi da s, lie Must h ive had an iron eonstiiu ! " i in an I a limit t 1 ke a warrior for he held death nt arms length until the other day. When it was soon that he could last but a few hours longer, th j nurse asked lilmifa clcrgymau should bo called ?v'i^s clergyman!' llowever,'two hours afterwards his mind wandered, und he sat up in bod a nd called out : ? 1 tell ye, the Lord isn't going to be hard on a feller who has lit Injuns !' He was quiet agaiu until an h mrs be fore bis death, wheti the nurse mudo ou<: more effort, and asked : v\Vill you give me your name ?' ?Cu.-s my name !' ?Haven't you any frien?s V 'Cuss fricuda !' 'Do yon wish us tosend your things to any one '/' 'Cuss any ouc !' 'Do.you realize that you are very near the grave V 'Cuss the grave,' was the monotonous reply. No fuither questions were asked, and during tho next hour the strange old man dropped quietly asleep in death tit teriug no wonts and making no sign. When they tame to remove the clothing and prep.iic the boils lor the grave, what do you suppose they louod, oare fully wrapped uh in oilskin and lying on his breast ';' A daguerreotype pic ture of a little- girl ! it was taken years aud years ago, when the child was live or .six years old. The face of the litlte one was lair to look upon, au 1 the case which held it has been scarred by bul lets. There were a dozen scars on the old man's body to prove that he had liy cd .i ^ild lifoj but there was not a line among his effects to reveal bis name, or tho name of the child whose picture ho bad worn on his breast far yours nnd years. Who wus she Sf His own dar ling perhaps, lie would not have treas uroti' tho picturo so carefully unless there was love in bis heart. No one would have believed that.tho woll skin coat covered a heart which could icel love or te.ideru.'.ss but it did. die might have been returning homo a, i - ~Mft? ter years of weary wauderhigj^pr ? ho lie might have left the fiontiora--to?4)0 .-m e of a Christian's burial;-a^?Jbopiiig that do uusynipathe tic eye would fall upon the picture. Some .said keep it, hoping to liiako it identify the old man, hut other, laid it hack on the battle scarred breast which had preserved \\l sq long, au/.;-.^ ewas there yesterday when they buried hjp. Mr. Ucoelior on Marriage. _ ' ' :-tr -af.it Twenty years ago the wrifc&r'ofHh.ia was engaged in the diiFmion of infohua tion about d ior springs; in poipt4ofif4[ct peddling from dojr to d'?Jr.> (lo^Uao pursuit ol" this lawful, but uot lucrative bujihev-s, he cut-.re 1 the bookstore of Hoc Lock wood & Co, in Broad^ay^a'al requested permission t'i apply OtftPof his inventions to the doors of ; tho establishuicilt. , " r, ,' As lie cutci ' lie saw Mr. Bcecdicr sauntering about, clad in a loose sack coat,'the pocket- of which,{vvcrpjappar cutty filled with sugared nlinands?for from time to time he produced'tlieso delicacies, removing the saoharinriiJholl with a vigorous bite and' casting it away, reialuing ouly tho kern oi for (his d-.-locution Having often heard Mr. Bcccher hcturc, meeting him fao^to* face was au even;; while the sale of a door tpi ing was of the first importance Mr. Becohcr was second iu interest, a careful watch was kopt upou him. While negotiations woro pending.' ;,-J>Ir. Bcccher stepped up, and at thecjose of t!ic address remarked : '?Young man. arc you married V* "No, sir," was the respectful Tdpl$. "Didn't you know you ought tb be ?" "Yes, sir." ? ? \ $4?4t ' Why dou't you do it, thon7 : HYThT I don't you getmarried ?" J I '-Well, .sir, 1 will upon one cAdi cum,""^ 'IRfji'-uuief. * "What is it?" "If you will buy a door spring, Mr. Beeeher, I will get married."- i\ ? Ha, ha, ha," he shouied, while Mr. Loekwood joined the merriment in a subdued tone. "Very good, young man; very g;.od." Then slapping him on the ehouMor and reduciug his voice to a ci ail i-'iitial tone, ho remarked,IflBut I can't buy a door spring. I havo nothing to do with the house. You go over to Brooklyu and seo my wife; she the captain. If you can sell her a loor spring that will be all right.- I haven't anything to say about tho house." ? fa That ended the couferouce? Mqssrs. Hoc Loekwood & Co., didn't buy one cither, and save from the memorable iucident, the writer left as poor ae. ho ent iu. - ' Items- ? ? _J-i a ?:?> ? & Matecializcd .spirits?Frozen whiskey A matchless maid?An ancient un married lady Plain sauce?An interview with a Saratoga hotel clerk. > Reticence may not bo considered sound sen.-o, but it is g?iod senso. To 'bone' a turkey?Tako ii when the poulterer is not looking. w lli.w uniu.-t it is to accuse a bald head m r. ' cd mi n of putting on false hairs. Johii I lent Y wants to knotv if tho Ohio lottery law prohibits marriagess How ?o make good puffs?Send the publisher fifty cents a line for them. ?What can't be cured must bo sold fresh,' is what they say iu ^Porkopolifl. Iu sonic of the new stylej there is uo change. Poor relatives are cut the same .;s last year. Tho financial pressure is loosening.? i'jven the days are uot so short as thoy wein 11 ore's a view of tho Christraos stook ing Tho boys says ho 'set it, bu$ he dtdu'.t eatah anything.' That's too bad. Boston is to liav^,. convention of bald headed men. j'.*tor ull, however, it mny not bo as^'^rtu* nato us the great fire. S. t t 'What station do you i 1 *his7 8ald a ,?an as ho crawled ot tho dobr" of a railroad nop* UP' 'Dratum replied tho con^Otor. / '' ? iMWs :